I tweeted yesterday that I received a Dear-Vera kind of letter, which I think is my first one on this blog – kind of. She’s a reader of this blog, so I’m hoping we can help her by telling her what we genuinely think. My thoughts are below the mail.
Hi Vera, first of all, I love your blog and I have been following you from your days on NVS. Although I have never called in, I have never missed your show. I know you don’t usually do this dear Vera kind of mails on your blog, but your last show (with the married girl getting a divorce) encouraged me to reach out to you. I live here in the United States and I travel to Nigeria about once every two years. The last time I went (2011) I met a guy. I am not at all a long distance kind of person, and I don’t believe in filing for people. But I like this guy, Vera. He seems to really be into me. But I’m afraid.
I will see him again when I travel in two months and he’s already talking about marriage. At my age (33), I should be thinking seriously about marriage, but I don’t want to just bring him here. I have a close friend who brought her husband here as a fiancé, and they have been married for over three years with one child. He has also cheated and fathered a child with his American coworker. I just want to know what you and your readers think about filing for him.
Hey Dear,
First of all, thank you so much for reading my blog for so long. NVS (Nigeria Village Square) started nine years ago, so thank you very much. And thank you for listening to my show, too! You’re right, I don’t typically do Dear-Vera posts, but that’s because I don’t get them and I guess I’ve never really encouraged anyone to send them. But hey, there’s always a first time.
Now, on to your letter. I’m sorry to hear about your long distance relationship; I can only imagine the frustration. That said, it’s unfortunate that your friend’s husband got someone pregnant after only three years of marriage, but you really should not use her experience as a measuring tape for your relationship.
It’s difficult for me to say if you should or should not file for him because I don’t have enough information to advise you on that. However, there are certain things you should consider which will help you decide what to do:
1. Do you intend on moving to Nigeria?
2. Does he have a way of getting here on his own (if you don’t file for him)?
3. How much longer can you handle being in a long distance relationship?
I’m going to assume that you want to be with your partner – geographically – so you’ll have to either file for him or he has to come here himself. If filing for him is the only way for him to get here, then do it, but that is only if you feel in your heart and your head that it is the right thing to do. Take your time though; don’t feel pressured.
You shouldn’t be thinking so much of your age or using it as justification for getting married. What matters most is that you marry the right man for the right reasons. So vet your guy very well. Make sure he’s genuinely into you and not the green card, and make sure that he is and will continue to be faithful to you. I know there’s no way of knowing the future, but as much as you can, make an informed decision based on what you believe to be true right now. Good luck!
Alright, everyone, comments are welcome. Please tell her what you think
P.S. I’ll be happy to post more letters here, so if anyone has something, feel free to send it. blog@verastic.com
UPDATE: Igwe has his own response which is completely different from mine. You can read it here.
Hmmm… this is a tough one.
Think long and hard about it and I agree – if he can get to the US on his own, even if it’s for a short course or a long holiday, that’d be better. I wouldn’t file for someone I’m not sure I can spend weeks and months with. How long will you be in Nigeria for? How much time have you spent with him in person?
I’m interested in seeing what others say.
Adura, thanks a lot. I don’t know if he can get to the US, as she did not specify this in her mail. Maybe she’ll write again.
Yea, I think he should make a trip first on his own, and see how he acts when he’s with you in the states. If he is running around after the white or akata ladies; that kind of behavior. Plus, you want to be with a MAN, so let him make an effort to spend a month or so with you by himself, especially since he is talking marriage.
I completely agree with you. If he is talking about marriage with you and not making steps to come here to visit you and be with you, then there is a comma somewhere oooo. Like they say, a man who is truly interested in a woman will move heaven and earth to be with her without her even encouraging him.
That said, if in your heart it feels right to file for him as a fiance or husband based on how much your relationship has grown, I’d say do it. The fact that you have the fear of him being interested in you based in green card means there’s something not completely right. I personally believe that when God has set something in motion especially with relationships, there’s a peace that descends on you that all fears and worries are so so far away. My dear just pray and ask God to lead you on this matter. If you no get peace for your mind on this issue, then don’t do it.
I like this babe, she is actually thinking. A lot of us can take a page from her book so much fuckery going on bcos people want to be married by force. Babe I wish u the best, pray hard about it. He has a way of exposing bs. U def need more than the once every 2 yrs routine. I wish u God’s blessing and wisdom as u make ur decision.
Pray and go with your guts
its a tough, difficult and risky situation…. w hat is life without risk?
but who is to say that you both are not meant to be?
pointers tho…
1. is he American crazy?
2. does he have a job or is he idle?
3. what is his financial status?
4. do you have to send money to him all the time?
5. does he send you money/gifts at all?
6. whats his family like?/
7. who calls who more?
answer these questions and think about the answers well!
may God be your guide.
Agree completely with Funmie. Especially regarding #1, #2, and #3. She shouldn’t have to bring him here to support him. What is his plan when he gets here?
Funmi,
Your list makes so much sense, if she can faithfully answer all these questions, it will give her an idea of what she’s about to get into.
But then, she needs some baby steps so bad.
i agree with yinka, let him first get himself to the US even if its for a few days. Also what kind of job does he have in nigeria? Is he one of those that just want to get out of the country by all means? Because if he has a good job he will not be itching to leave his job.
Here is what i think, For him to be already talking marriage with someone he hasnt spent enough time with i think he is deceiving you knowing you could fall for the marriage thing considering your age. Babe leave him. Dont complicate your life. Pray to God to send you your husband and he might not even be Nigerian.
I totally agree with Funmie’s pointers I believe you will be able to make an informed decision based on the answers to those questions. All I can say is no risk no gain but on the other hand if your spirit is not okay with it then it probably isn’t right. This is where I would advise some serious soul searching in addition to the answers to Funmie’s questions and prayers too. Vera you have had another letter before now. Remember the “midnight blues” or something I think that’s what you called that segment where this girl wanted answers on oral sex.
As someone who lives in Yankee & relied on the bf to file for me, I’d still be very very careful about filing for this guy. A very good starting point is what kind of work/career he has, or what kind of TANGIBLE business he’s involved in. A guy with a good education, career and/or business in Naija is still a better deal than the one looking for the “milk & honey” flowing on the streets of yankee.
*If he can come here on vacation or for school, it would be a good place to start from.
Good luck 🙂
DON’T DO IT DEAR
Just like others have said, let him sort himself down to the states and then you can take another notch with the relationship, right now is a no/no…
You fit the perfect profile for a guy who has his own sinister motive,meaning anything he says will sound like Romeo is talking to you…
Basically you are already convinced he is into you, a natural habit of ours before a kill. Sorry dear that is the name of the game hence the harsh words..
Moreover visiting once in two years is not exactly a relationship, more like a summer fling, the rest of your gist with him just toasting lyrics we guys do for investment purposes..
Alternatively if he has a job, just play the game and tell him you prefer you settle in Nigeria.. Stick to it and not change it even though you know your intention. You must also be very strong, if not a simple whispering in your ears will ignite you speaking in tongues and you will give the game away..
Vera said we should place our comments for you, that is mine from a guy’s perspective and experience.
I strongly believe he should sort himself out first and then you live happily ever after, you go your route then you are just a hub for the guy to reach his destination..
Once again:DON’T DO IT
I agree with you Fad. DO NOT DO IT.
A lot of people file immigration papers for someone without knowing the legal implications of it.
1. You are responsible for the person till they accumulate 40hrs of working credit. This usually takes about 10 years of working full-time to accumulate. In other words, even if you end up divorcing this person or they divorce you, they can LEGALLY sue you for subsistence. This person cannot go on public assistance. If they do, the US govt can sue YOU for the amount.
2. Whoever your spouse is will have access to your retirement account. Even after divorce. They are legally entitled to 50%, they have to co-sign all withdrawals from your account. It doesn’t matter if they have never contributed one dime to it. They have access.
3.There are 1049 laws that can potentially affect you as a married person. See for example: http://www.gao.gov/archive/1997/og97016.pdf
I would be really careful. Over the past 3 years, I have had TWO personal friends who have fallen victim. DO NOT DO IT.
Wow, U!!
I appreciate this link. Thanks!! I’m going to go check it out. I don’t know about everyone else, but I did not know of these laws you’ve written about.
U,
I disagree with your number 2, there are several laws that governs that. There’s more to divorce decree that a lot don’t know.
Your retirement account is considered part of the marital assets. The rule of thumb is 50% but depending on the state, the Court may have broad discretionary power in sharing marital assets. I live in MD and the rule is ‘equitable distribution’.
Fad, thank you soooooo much!! I really appreciate your point of view from a man. Thank you. I really see where you are coming from, and I hope your comment helps her. Thank you.
I love Fad’s comment, real to the core.
Yup!!
That’s a tough question fraught with many dangers lurking around the corner but you can mitigate the risk by linking up with someone already in the States. They have gone through the transformation of being here and you probably have more in common with them based on shared experiences, challenges and sacrifices than you think. Chances are that you will probably be more compatible. Nothing is guaranteed though, just mitigating the chances of a relationship failure. I would like to think that with shared experiences, you will be able to arrive at solutions to difficult issues that must come up in each and every relationship time and again. Now if you must go to Africa, just remember one thing. The US is a tough neighborhood and once your guy is here, he will have to go through metamorphis – you know like how in biology the caterpillars do and we’ve all done it here. He will have to change, to survive here but my thing is will you embrace or resent the new him? With a different outlook, different needs and interests from the guy you knew in Africa? May be he wont like you as much anymore after his transformation. How will you deal these issues once things don’t go your way or as you expected? The way I see it, once you bring someone here, you really don’t have much control which way things go? They could go either way – your way or the other way. Just don’t let emotions cloud your decisions. Look at what’s important and essential to you in a relationship, then evaluate the situation with completeness and clarity of the mind and make decisions that will mitigate the risks and be to your best interest. I don’t think anybody can help you do this – all our experiences are different. There are just some things in life that we have to do on our own.
Village Boy, thank you very, very much. I like how you speak about relationships and risks, like we’re talking about a financial investment – which really a relationship is … and much more. But I really do like the way you speak about relationships in a realistic way. Thank you! I hope she makes the best decision for her.
That’s a tough question fraught with many dangers lurking around the corner but you can mitigate the risk by linking up with someone already in the States. They have gone through the transformation of being here and you probably have more in common with them based on shared experiences, challenges and sacrifices than you think. Chances are that you will probably be more compatible. Nothing is guaranteed though, just mitigating the chances of a relationship failure. I would like to think that with shared experiences, you will be able to arrive at solutions to difficult issues that must come up in each and every relationship time and again. Now if you must go to Africa, just remember one thing. The US is a tough neighborhood and once your guy is here, he will have to go through metamorphis – you know like how in biology the caterpillars do and we’ve all done it here. He will have to change, to survive here but my thing is will you embrace or resent the new him? With a different outlook, different needs and interests from the guy you knew in Africa? May be he wont like you as much anymore after his transformation. How will you deal these issues once things don’t go your way or as you expected? The way I see it, once you bring someone here, you really don’t have much control which way things go? They could go either way – your way or the other way. Just don’t let emotions cloud your decisions. Look at what’s important and essential to you in a relationship, then evaluate the situation with completeness and clarity of the mind and make decisions that will mitigate the risks and be to your best interest. I don’t think anybody can help you do this – all our experiences are different. There are just some things in life that we have to do on our own.
Life is full of risks, if he is someone you really want to be with I believe you should go ahead and take the risk of filing for him, whether you file for him or not whatever will be will be, we have no ability to tell the future and men are the most unpredictable. If u decide not to file for him and he gets frustrated with the distance (which he eventually will) you will lose him. All you need to do is consider if moving him to america is the best decision for your relationship, if relocating to nigeria is good then do it. Don’t be to comfortable with your single status because of your age but don’t be too desperate either.
Hello Vera and everyone, (first time commenting/reading ur blog- LOVE IT),
Ok, this is my take on this topic- the fact that you feel reluctant to file papers for your man raises a red flag (to me). I wouldn’t have a problem filing for a man I truly love and i’m sure loves me back- I wouldnt (damn the consequences) but to me I feel there is something u’r not telling us. From your letter its kind of obvious you are uncomfortable with the idea. Girl dont FILE for him if you’r not feeling it in your heart but if he is the man you plan on spending the rest of your life with then u have to file for him. Trust me, even if ur gurl didnt file/bring her man to u.s, he would have still cheated on her (and most likely procreated with someone else). Filing for him had nothing to do with him sleeping with his coworker and getting pregnant- thats just his way……….a man will cheat if he wants to whether u file papers for him or not. Do what your heart tells you to and pray/fast about it.
Great advise Vera. Love you (i swear no homo loool)
Awwww. Thanks, UglyBaba. Bia, which kin name be this? I feel like I’m insulting you. Haha. I’ve decided to think of it more like UgglyBabe (lover of all things Uggs), and it makes me feel better. Thank you so much. Please keep loving me — even if it’s homo. A girl can never have too many lovers. Plus, it’d be flattering, too. Hahaha 😀
All I can say is that I agree with Funmi,village boy and fad and is obvious that you don’t trust this guy . So wot are you still doing with him when you don’t trust him and sorry to say the ladies advice here are like the guy is a gold digger ,for crying out loud I have an uncle over there a professor who had opportunity to marry a white lady but shawned that due to their love of divorce came home and picked a wife and believe u me just after 3 months the lady went wild and started treatning him my uncle with some black dudes down there to let her be ,go clubbing and give her passport to her ,what am trying to say is don’t use ur experience as a yardstick for another learn to take people for whom and what they are and I mean if you love someone you would think of how to better that persons life ,u would think of the positive and not negetives just my own opinion Dou..
Everyone’s story is basically different. Thank you for reading and commenting, Ugo.