Marriage today is not what it used to be. Let me rephrase that: marriage is not what I thought it was. It is not what I think it should be. And no, I am not yet married.
Marriage is supposed to be a bond between a man and a woman, held by love. When you are getting married, you are supposed to be getting married to your best friend, your soul mate, your other half. For men, you are supposed to be getting married to the woman who has your rib in her, the woman who has your missing rib. And for women, you are supposed to be getting married to the man whose rib you have in you. When ‘marriage’ comes to mind, people often think of love, romance, happiness, eternal bliss, love, love, love.
For too many, however, marriage does not quite live up to its expectation(s). Obviously, before you get married, you ought to keep in mind that problems will come up. There will be trials and tribulations. You ought to keep in mind that there will be difficult times. Philosophers will always advise you to expect the unexpected. Married people expect problems, but ironically, they never expect the problems they actually get.
A man gets married to what he considers a beautiful woman. He expects that she will undergo physical changes, especially after having his children. Her stomach might get a little rounder; her thighs might get a little chunkier; her feet might get bigger. Hmm, it will only be a matter of time before gravity descends on her breasts. So he expects all of this, but he does not foresee one of her butt cheeks to equal the size of their jumbo pillow. He does not foresee her stomach to be bigger than his beer gut. And while, he expected her feet to grow a little bigger, he did not ever think they would grow big enough to fit his shoes. And her breasts? Let’s just say it can go for miles. The thing seems to be longer every time he sees it.
They used to have a great sex life, but now she is too busy catering for the children to satisfy his needs. By the time she comes to bed, she smells of maggi cubes and curry. Her hair consistently remains undone. He is not quite sure if she is taking out the weave on her head or fixing a new one. The whole thing is a mess. Her nails are as sharp as a razor blade. He has the evidence to prove this on their bed sheets which are constantly sliced by her toe nails. And when was the last time she shaved? She has taken the word, ‘natural’ to a whole new level. Whoever told her he wants to be in bed with a grizzly bear?
Once upon a time, she used to wear neck-breaking lingerie to bed, but now, he is constantly being assaulted with the hospital gowns she calls night gowns. If only she will take a minute and reinvest in deodorants. She does not stink, but he will prefer a less natural smell. This woman who once used to be very discrete no longer feels the need to close the bathroom door while she is doing number two. She no longer deems it necessary to excuse herself before farting. Why excuse herself when her husband will love to inhale the fresh, unadulterated stench that escapes from her butt hole?
But these are all minor problems compared to the real, serious problems. Ever since she got a better job, she has become rude and disobedient. She cooks food that only she will enjoy. She has become a little too willing to order food. Wait a minute; is that Papa John’s Pizza on speed dial? She has become very quick to talk back and even tell him that he is not her God. Apparently, she can make it on her own. It amazes him that in spite of the increase in her salary, she does not make as much as he does, yet her insults continue to increase. He shudders to think of what will happen if she ever makes as much as he does. God forbid that she ever makes more. If she does, he will turn his manhood in without disputing it because he knows it will be the end of his manliness anyway.
*******************************************************
She thought she was getting married to her best friend and confidant, but there is nothing confidential about their affairs. She does not really speak to Nneka, Peter’s wife, but somehow, Nneka knows about her inability to cook egwusi soup well. Nneka knows that every time she cooks egwusi soup, the water and the oil become very bitter enemies in the pot: they simply refuse to be joined together. The other day, Nneka offered to teach her how to cook egwusi soup. What insolence! Who told Nneka about this? Oh yeah, her husband is a good friend to Nneka’s husband.
Before they got married, he promised to stop drinking and smoking. He is yet to quit either. He smokes like a chimney and drinks like a fish. One day, he will drink himself to stupor and smoke himself to ashes. He comes to bed smelling like an ash tray dumped in a cheap bar and expects her to wear lingerie to bed? He has to be high on something.
She sees the way he looks at her. She knows he does not like the way she looks. He looks at her like she disgusts him. He looks at her like he would much rather be looking at something else, or someone else. Perhaps, someone slimmer, someone prettier, someone lighter. She knows he does not like what he sees in her. Why on earth will she wear skimpy lingerie to bed when her husband cannot even stand the sight of her? Why will she expose her ‘lumps’? No oh.
These days, she has no interest in sex anymore. Well, she still has interest, but she refuses to subject herself to such degradation. She would rather utilize Mr. Denzel, her three-hundred dollar vibrator. He is worth every penny she spent on him. Too bad he is not tax deductable. He probably thinks of someone else while he is inside her anyway. He probably closes his eyes while he is on top of her. He probably cannot wait to burst a nut, so he can get out of her. He probably only does it because he needs to – not because he wants to. Why will she want to have sex with such a man?
She believes he is very selfish. Why else will he expect her to work several hours a day, come home and take care of the kids, help them to do their assignment, prepare dinner, and then be in the mood to satisfy his needs in bed? When she is in the mood, she is too tired; when she is not tired, she is not in the mood. And when she is in the mood and not tired, she would rather be with Mr. Denzel. At least, she is guaranteed to have his time for more than five minutes – unlike some other people she knows.
She does not know why he keeps complaining about the money she sends home to her mother. Has she ever stopped him from sending money to his own mother? Does he know what her mother went through when her father left them for another woman? There is nothing he will say that will make her stop sending money to her mother. She works hard for her money, and she has every right to spend it how she wants to. Besides, she has always dreamt of the day she will finally be able to show her mother some appreciation for all she went through when her father left them high and dry. And now this man thinks she will stop spoiling her mother because some husband said she should? Please!
She does not know why he is always complaining about the money she makes. It is not like she makes more than him anyway. He just cannot handle the fact that she now makes so much money. He cannot seem to comprehend that she is no longer the young, naïve little girl whose bride price he paid several years ago. He cannot accept that she no longer needs to run to him for every little thing. Gone are the days when she used to beg for money for bras, panties, and sanitary pad. He needs to get over himself already. She is no longer a girl; she is now a woman.
I am quite certain that at the point a couple says, ‘I do,’ they are probably in love. They might spend thousands of dollars on the wedding and everything concerning it, but a few months down the line, trouble sprouts up like weed: the more you kill them, the more they grow. Somehow, no chemical can completely get rid of them, and the chemical that does get rid of the weed also hurts the plants. Is there really a win-win situation?
Once upon a time, I used to go ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ whenever I heard about a wedding, but these days, I am almost filled with sadness for the couple. I almost want to give them a condolence card. This is not to say that I do not want to get married. I do want to get married, and I intend to get married, but marriage does not have the same effect anymore. I do not even have any couple to look up to and say, ‘aww.’ Apart from tax breaks, a possibly fatter income, and beautiful children, I am seriously beginning to wonder what else one stands to gain from marriage.
I think I would be speaking for most when I say that for unmarried people in my generation, marriage is something we want but fear. No man is an island, and no sane man would want to be an island. Somewhere inside of us, we all crave a kind of connection that only a spouse can give us, but are we willing to do the work? Are we really willing to have petty arguments over and over? Are we willing to be used and abused by our in-laws? Are we willing to not be always liked by our spouse? I mean, marriage is a life time commitment, or at least, it is supposed to be a life time commitment. Who wants to make a mistake and live with it forever? I know I do not.
There is just something about Nigerian/African marriages that make me stop and ponder. Does jumping the broom mean you are no longer allowed to be yourself? I realize that after jumping the broom, there are certain things you should probably stop doing (like going out and coming in at three in the morning…unless of course, it is just a once in a blue moon guys/girls night out with your friends). But does getting married mean that your going out should be limited to work and home alone? Does getting married mean that your wardrobe should now be limited to only Iro and Buba? I do not condone wearing clothes that are too revealing (regardless of your marital status), but should getting married mean that you should start wearing only turtleneck lookalikes no matter the season?
I may not be married, but having observed a lot of marriages and found in them nothing that thrills or excites me, I have realized that one problem with marriages is habit. Marriage becomes a game of habit. Who says you cannot attend a friend’s night party because you are now married? Who says you cannot spend an entire day at Six Flags and scream your hearts out on every ride? What stops you from going to a poetry parlor? Oh, that’s right. You are married now. You can only go to work, come home, eat egwusi soup, watch TV, do whatever you do in bed, and sleep. Then you wake up in the morning and repeat the cycle.
There has got to be a better way to be married because this current marriage thing sef…e get as e be oh!!
www.verastic.com
vera@verastic.com
wow!
this is deep….I am speechless!
I see ur registered ur webbie! great verastic
“e gat as e be” eeh..
This has really got me thinking. With all things including marriage, one needs to be prayerful. Commiting your ways and the ways of your husband. Marriage is not the end but indeed the begining of a new journey, and only will it succeed when God is made the driver. And head. We need to praying for our marriages, cause only God can help us through it all. But couples too need to be communicating. Yes it might come across as nagiing but like my mum says, there is a way of saying something without it coming across as a nag..
How are you?
Well written….what can i say….re – write history….i want my marriage to not be the typical….so what do i do…???i begin to pray about it in advance..pray to find a man that can accept my inadequacies….and I will do my bath, ensure i dont become boring and dulling
Where there is a will there is a way
My sista, wetin man pikin go do now….
this whole thing is crazy….
where is the thin line between this relationship will work/ it won’t work…. i have no clue.
at what point should a girl break up with a man because she knows he has a few habits here and there she isn’t too sure about.
what kinda nasty habit would d next man have?
how do i know dis is d best of them out there….
Vera, i told you girl… am just living for the day praying and hoping dat ma main man< Jesus christ gat tommorrow....lol
u should be like me
Bella Naija: Hey girl! I see you’re first. Yeah, babe, I finally registered it. Thanks 4 reading.
Life of A Stranger Called Me: Indeed, just like everything else, we need to commit our marriage to God. Like you said, people forget that marriage is the beginning of a journey. For many, marriage is just the end, so why bother working so hard to keep it alive and fun?
Doll: Na true talk be that oh. Where there is a will, there is indeed a way. Good stuff. I’m praying in advance too.
Funmie: Your main man, Jesus? Fufustic, my dear, I dunno what else to say oh. It’s not easy deciding when one should and when one should stay. Just pray, my love.
Trust me dear, there IS a better way to live married life that the horror story you have described! I’m quite sad because it’s true a lot of couples don’t bother to keep their relationship happy once the’ve signed on the dotted lines. Most married couples don’t make a conscious effort to talk and listen to each other, soon arguments develop into cold resentment. Then both of them start holding silent grudges against each other like the example you gave.
Marriage can be as fun and enjoyable as both parties want it to be. Before I got married, I also observed a lot of married couples, I saw very happy couples and the usual grumpy ones. I told my then fiance that I did not want a marriage that is past it’s sell-by date after the third year or after the kids have come into the relationship. There and then, we had a conversation and decided never to let our relationship get to such a sad state. It takes the two people to work at it.
As Doll said, before you get married, pray about it because none of us is perfect, we have to find someone we can tolerate and someone who can tolerate our own many faults too. And you have to be 100% sure about the person. It also means having realistic expectations in the first place because happy, lovey-dovey relationships don’t just happen.
Favored Girl: Yeah, babe, I know. Obviously, prayer is the number one thing. One has to first commit his/her marriage into the hands of God and then consciously work to make it ‘fun’. There is no reason why a marriage shouldn’t be fun. But lotsa marriages today are anything but fun.
Tank God 4 God.Prayer is always a valid response…but, i’ve seen pple/couples who are supposedly tight with God going thru wat u’ve described.
I think d crux of d matter is expectation. Too often, couples are expecting the other to “complete” them. Each person needs 2 seek completion on their own, in other words own their person. Getting past what you believe some else should be – goes a long way towards acceptance.
But then again, i ain’t married so…
Glad 2 see ya back. How’s d book?
Ibilola: No expectations, no disappointments, right? That would be a very nice way to go about it, but then if you expect nothing out of marriage, you will probably not be inclined to work for anything. It’s a tough situation to be in. And like you said, even people that are close to God do have trials; of course, they do. Couples just need to be apart yet together. I dunno…. I might be wrong, who knows? Just like you, I am not married either. And the book is coming along great. Thanks for asking.
i c i’ve truncated my thot. The last sentence should read …what you believe some one else should be “for you”. u’re right. expecting nothing iz a recipe 4 disaster. Iron sharpens iron – d goal iz 2 find someone who brings out the best in me and vice versa. That alone is enuf drama. The pitfall is molding another human being into a phantom dat’ll supposedly make me happy. I can barely decide on what color 2 paint my nails talk less of designing d husband dat will fufil my every need.Maybe this is just utopia but hey, a girl can dream 😉
Well thot out dear! I wrote a post on my thots on marriage taking examples frm my exp. see my post on “State of the union”
The picture you painted results from one thing – lack of commuication. And unfortunately, it’s an all too familar scene played out in many homes.
Communication is a vital life line for ANY marriage. if the husband feels she let herself “go”, tell her. If she doesnt like how he reacts to sending $$ home, tell him. iron it out. it might take mins, days, weeks, years to resolve. BUT it will eventually. that makes all the difference.
what am i going on about.. ok, lemme wrap it up.
Marriage is as delicious as you want it to be (assuming you married an average decent good hearted person). Dont marry a hard person and then wonder why he shuts down when u r trying to talk. ehen.
Marriage takes WORK. especially for a woman. lots of wisdom is needed. i learn that EVERYDAY!
Sista Vera: Nice writeup. As you say, marriage get as e be. On so many issues, it comes down to who you marry, you know. If you marry a jerk that expects his wife home all day, everyday then you know what you have bargained for. That is why I always encourage the CONVERSATION/series of discussions to hash things out. No matter how long people have dated, they never truly/fully know their partner and talking about issues/concerns can reveal information that should be handled wisely.
Someone noted about my marriage post that I didn’t mention Love. I didn’t realize it but I am not surprised that I didn’t. Growing up as I did, I learned very quickly that love was overrated. Now don’t think I am suggesting that love is not important in a marriage. It is, but love will wax and wane. I have been told this by couples that have been together since the dark ages and I definitely believe it. Because of this, I believe that RESPECT is key, I believe that respect and being God-fearing will get a couple through the time when love is at its lowest.
So, I simply advocate people leaving the fairy tales behind them and realizing that marriage is not easy, but worth it when entered into with a kind, respectful person. The benefits (other than tax deduction, lol!) can be great. Oh and, can we women stop overromanticizing things? Your husband does not have to be your best friend. In fact he shouldn’t be. We’ve got gal friends for that and must stop thinking that we should be able to share everything with our mate. Men aren’t programed for that. Even the best ones, I promise. And no, you do not have to change after marriage, though a few modifications become necessary. If you change then there is a problem because your mate married you (hopefully) for who you are and will naturally become, not who you change yourself to be.
Sorry for the epistle I have laid here in response to your post, but it’s a good one and I couldn’t help it. Thanks for letting me know about this post!
(So you are a MD babe as well? yay! I’m a Bowie person myself.)
I agree with S, all this best friend talk can be misleading. You need a good group of gfs around you who will support you when you need to vent emotionally because the truth is that no man is superman, he can’t be everything.
Communication is also very important, sometimes couples look like they are speaking two different languages which is sad. It is disheartening how things change though, i’m sure every couple had the very best of intentions when they got married and you are right Vera, it is a bit scary.
Ibilola: My dear, I completely understand you. And just like you, choosing a nail polish is not as easy task! Is it too bright? Too dark? Just too much??? How then am I supposed to mold a whole human being? Mba oo. LOL.
Simi Speaks: Everyone – married and unmarried – agree that communication is key. It is amazing that as much as we preach it, it is a lot harder to do the do. Somehow, we shut down when it’s time to actually COMMUNICATE.
SolomonSydelle: You’re very right, you know. One thing with us (women) is that we sometimes marry jerks and yet expect him to act differently after marriage. I’m not quite sure why we expect him to be different. Expectations and reality seem to be parrallel roads that run next to each other, and sometimes, sadly, they never meet.
Tminx: LOL. I was imagining the couples literally speaking two different languages. It’s really, really scary. All one can do is pray and hope that his/her marriage is a successful one – whatever that might mean.
Nice write up and though there is some validity in your views….i feel you paint marriage in a very very old-fashioned and negative light! i’m not married myself, and like you, even though i look forward to it, i’m in no rush! the whole idea of “loosing yourself” in marriage, though a valid concern, is quite funny to me. how or y should u loose something that is inherently you? it’s not like loosing your slippers or something…! i think ppl get caught up in role play and essentially forget the essence of being! you give up your dreams, your hopes because u have to play the role of mum and wife…first…who asked you to? second…y must you be less of who you inherently are in order to fufill these roles?? women especially define themselves in the eyes of their children or in the opinions of their husbands….if you didnt have children or a husband…would you be free-er? would you be more of who you are? probably not…you’d probably find some other “role” to attribute your loss of self to…probably the role of eternal spinster, “single gal” or career woman! my point is…right now in ma life, i believe true happiness is a present state of being and we should all be presently conscious in our everyday life. no matter how bad a situation is, there is always potential to see beauty and feel happiness…afterall God is ominipotent and ominipresent…all powerful and all present. I’m no guru…but the book “A NEW EARTH” by Eckhard Tolle is presently seeping thru ma mind as i try to understand it. mehn…everyone should live in the moment and just be jare…marriage is hard but i believe being true to urself is even harder and thats y we easily and quickly give up dat truth in order to find solace in a “concrete” definition of who we think we should be! abi were we created with wife and mother stamped on our forehead??
All well said and lets pray for God guidance in everything we do.
Lol@Mr Denzel.
Rule of thumb-if you are willing to take his/her shit,you are ready to get married.
Nne: You have misunderstood me. But it’s understandable; Tolle is on your brains.
Nijawife: Yes, I know. Thanks for reading. God will see us all through.
Nine: Oh, so that’s how it works?? I see. LOL. In that case, I will start looking out for a man whose shit I am willing to take.
lol!
i love this post mehn, but i must say, i agree with most of your observations… why do married people change and become less vibrant than they were before they got married? does it entail THAT much work that they lose themselves? I think what i fear most about marriage is the monotony: doing the same thing day in day out. I’ll just quench or boredom.
This made good reading. As for the comments, I will read them later. Have to run now.
Chxta: Thanks for reading!! Hope you come back.
brilliant insight. marriage or any relationship for that matter is like flying an aeroplane. ‘I do’ is just the ignition. make sure u check for weather conditions and the size of the cargo before u take take off. and if ur landing gear is broken… em… all i can say is ‘safe landing’
UnNaked: Yes oh, a safe landing is most definitely needed. If the landing gear is broken…chei!! That would be tough sha.
For most people marriage is/was not the romantic happy peace that we like to think it is. Most people should be happy if they can meet someone that they can get along with.
BeautyInBaltimore: I hope to meet someone I can get along with…and much more. That would be awesome!!
“marriage is something we want but fear”
Very true. I don’t mind being married but when you are like me: independent and opinionated and from a culture where that is not necessarily celebrated, you begin to fear that no matter how forward thinking the man might appear as boyfriend, once you are his wife, he will become the streotypical African/ Nigerian male that expects you to bury your identity and revolve around him.
A marriage takes 100% effort from both sides. Communication, sacrifice, service and equality is important….Supplement everything with what ever higher being you believe in and most likely your road will be less rocky.
http://www.needlesandpin.blogspot.com
Nice One Vera.
CALABAR GAL
marriage is like the new yahoozee- everyone is doing it, but until we change our perceptions of marriage(iro and buba, no more parties, work till u die and lets not forget the egwusi soup )-i fear.
BTW:what’s ur beef with egwusi soup?
These are the views of a young guy: I’ve avoided the whole MRS (multiple relationship syndrome) that seems to be everybody’s story. I’ve always tried to make sure that any relationship i get into -atleast to the best of my knowledge- is serious ie no casual whatevers, so you can imagine how few and far apart they’ve been.
I’ve lived with ppl apart from my parents so I’ve had the opportunity to study couples – watch them grow over time. I beleive in love. Someone who’s willing to accept and probably secretly loves everything you think is wrong about you.
Love’s a choice, like sticking with your favorite music band, football team or eating joint. They aren’t always perfect, when their bad you root for and defend them on the outside and pray for them on the inside.
I also think that for single folks, deciding to wait until you are convinced its the right deal (even if your fifty by then-i’m not joking) is so important. That way you feel a far greater need to make things work.
I’m young, so I may be wrong, But thats my take on marriage and getting married.
Calabar Gal: Thanks Babe. I’m glad you like it.
Bumight: LOL. Gal, I kuku no get beed with Egwusi soup oo. In fact, I love egwusi soup. I just don’t wanna eat it every flippin day.
Ebony: I like that comment or opinion. And I agree that one should definitely wait for as long as needed to make sure that they make the right decision.
vera this moved me. great
very true my dear but there are a few buts wen one is married u will know the buts wen u eventaully marry and i hope then u will remember all you have written nice post love!
very true marriage can be a great challenge but wen u eventually marry u will realise there are lot s of but(s) in marriage and that all the issues u itemised are not even the main problems and i do hope u remember what you have written then. nice ost
LOL… this is so interesting and at the same time scary. i think about this marriage thing all the time and really couldn’t find answers. i kept thinking maybe it’s just me but i just realized it’s not just me, it’s every single girl out there. i once asked my pastor what the purpose of marriage is and he told me because it was ordained by God. i asked him so many questions and i got the poor man confused. i do agree with everyone from praying to God fearing to patience, tolerance, sacrifice, communication etc. someone told me to marry a guy that can be my bestfriend so that when LOVE fades, there’s still friendship. i can’t really point out any young couple that i do admire after marriage. it’s scary how divorce flies everywhere you go. i’m still single and just like every other person, i’m scared to take any step. my view of women changing after marriage has to do with our naija culture thingy plus all eyes are on you. what about the so called in-laws? you will be the talk of the family by the time the so called husband starts informing his family of your careless way of dressing or partying.
King of Scotland: Thanks love. I’m glad it did.
Mirage: LOL. I’m sure you’re right. I’m gonna leave this post up. When I get married, I’m gonna come back & read this post. By His Grace, I’m not gonna be one of “those people.”
Anonymous: My dear, na so oh! I wanna get married too, but I am sooooooo scared. I don’t wanna marry the wrong person. I don’t wanna get married and then life as I know it becomes over. I need my marriage to be fun. I wanna get married, and when I do, I wanna stay married – not just out of obligation, but out of ehm… what’s the word?? Thanks for reading, babe. May God help us both, Amen.
Good insight. To me marriage should hence once life and not the other way round. In a marriage where equality reigh supreme, a woman will not feel since she has money should can do and on do cos they are suppose to contribute to the spending in the first place. And the man would not feel he can’t do domestic chores. I can go on and on.
I have seen a lot in Nigeria marriage settings that made me feel no marriage for me. But today, I am married to a wonderful man… pple dont believe we are married sef cos they expect our life styles to have changed to the typical I “am married kind of life” as is expected in Nigeria.
Like I did with my husband b4 we tid the knot, we both wrote down what we each expected in the marriage and believe me, it worked and still working
I meant to write enhance not hence sei when will I learn to edit b4 posting my comment
Standtall: I will make sure I adopt the idea of writing what we expect out of marriage. We will also write our promises down. LOL. I’m glad you’re happily married to a wonderful man.
…my dear, don’t worry about the editing. Typos r natural. Not having typos is what is unnatural.
waoh,i jus came across dis and i tink its scary!!!
please tell me u jus painted d WORST case scenario cos it better not be dis baaad!!
i even hear ur friends easily abandon u cos u jus dont “fit” in anymore…….and ideas jus change jus like dat!!hmmm,it is well.but i know its joy and pain of marriage they call it so we all shd jus give it our best shot and hope it works out……..
lol @ Mr. Denzel. You had me cracking up and then some there.
I know u will prolly think I’m some old resigned chic by the time u are done reading this, but I assure u, I am not. I actually just turned quater of a century!
Girl, you have some very jaded but not unfounded views on marriage, and I don’t blame u. I was one of the first of my “friends” to get married. What I realised once I had the engagement ring on my finger is that most women dig the idea of a wedding, a white dress, and a dashing groom, but are unprepared for marriage. I do not believe that marriage changes who you are, what I do believe changes is your priority in life. Making sure ur eyelashes don’t fall off when u sweat will take the back burner to making sure u feed ur family, ur house is clean, etc. I should know, I have been married for about a year. While marriage has it’s rough roads (Thank God he has not made ours too ruff), the pros in my opinion far outweigh the cons. Long story short, I am happily married, and loving it- despite the “weeds”. Keep praying my dear, God hears and he is always on time, no matter what the world’s clock is saying. 😉
Wow! Thats probably the worst picture I’ve seen painted of marriage. Of all the comments posted here I agree most with Solomonsydelle’s and ebony’s. I would not have used the word “respect” though, I would rather have differentiated between romantic love, which is the one that fades, and the so-called “agape” love, which is what should keep you going when “reality” sets in. Like ebony I’ve been in very few relationships because I always wanted them to be serious. Thats how serious I take this marriage thing. Love is a choice. Marriage in my opinion isn’t inherently bad, its the couples who get it all wrong. All I can say is believe theres someone out there who’ll value your opinions, understand when ordering pizza is more practical, and love going to the movies too :D. Believe me there’re men like that out there. I had initiallty thought you were simply pointing out the darker sides of marriage but with that last line “There has got to be a better way to be married because this current marriage thing sef…e get as e be oh!” Do you honestly believe there isnt a better way?
QMoney: I thought it was the married friend that abandons the single ones?? For your sake & mine, I hope I painted the worst case scenario. I hope most marriages are not that bad.
Anonymous: I totally understand where you’re coming from. And I agree with you too. When you have mouths to feed, your eyelashes will not be on your list of priorities. After a while, marriage can become static & monotonous. The monotony is part of the problem. Even an unmarried person living a monotonous life will get bored @ some point. Marriage should be fun in spite of whatever troubles life may throw in2 it.
Doug: No, I do not believe there isn’t a better way to be married. The point I was trying to make is that often times, the people getting married are not quite sure what they are getting into, so they end up worrying about the wrong things. There are something (in my opinion) that people should not have to fight over. That being said, I love movies too! And yes, there r times it makes more sense to order pizza (with or without pineapples). *smile*
Wow Vera! very well put. i love your blog..it reminds me of things i try to understand every day of my life.
134 elitz magazine: Thanks babe!
Tight article. Very well written.
Mr. C: Awww, thanks!!
mehn… that was so well written. It captures/explains how I feel about marriage o! wow.
Marriage abi? Wait first until i begin my story. Everyone wants to marry but do they know how hard it is?
PS I love the way you write. Very articulate
One doesn’t need to have the ‘typical’ marriage. And to stop it from becoming that you need to remember one rule and one rule only: NOBODY ELSE COUNTS IN YOUR MARRIAGE BUT THE TWO OF YOU – NOT EVEN THE KIDS.
The kids will grow up and AWAY, and your friends will always go home. Your parents have done their duty in bringing you up and if you feel they should be involved in your marriage then perhaps you shouldn’t be getting married in the first place.
Anyone you let in – married or single – you will soon live their version of life. I call it the ‘O bulu m bu gi’ syndrome, where whoever it is tells you ‘If it were me eh, I would do it this way’.
But guess what? IT WILL NEVER BE YOU. Only the husband and wife know what their marriage needs, nobody else.
My advice to anyone reading would be this face your spouse, work out your problems behind closed doors, shout, cry, do what you have to but above all, communicate.
And seal it all with some of the hottest make-up sex ever – shaven or unshaven. Because when your heart is in what you’re doing, you can have a muff the size of Boney M’s collective afro down there, you could smell like the whole of India curry-wise or an arse the size of Mouka foam and it would still be all good.
Keep it honest guys and when you do marry, you will not regret it.
Nwunye, very nice visuals there. Thank you. LOL. Realistically, someone else’s marriage should not even be put into consideration for your own marriage. I mean, I shouldn’t even be worrying about what goes on in X and Y’s marriage, but as it has come to pass, I am letting their bad marriage get the best of me. And I am not even married yet 🙁
I understand. What I will tell you is this: If you actually want a marriage and YOUR marriage at that, STOP FRICKIN’ LISTENING.
Don’t listen to Mother-in-law stories, husband stories, ANYTHING because your own experience will NEVER be like that. Just face yourself and what you want in a spouse and that is EXACTLY what you’ll get. Then when you marry, your relationship to those ‘others’ – I call then satellites, as in NOT in the marriage planet – will be decided by what kind of people you are (of like-mind or not) and how far the familiarity should go. But never, ever make your husband the enemy or he will be just that. And men, this goes for you too.
They say every woman has the exact relationship she wants. Think about that.
So I’m replying this comment three months later. Not bad! LOL. Well, I’m with you, Nwunye. And I do want a marriage that is mine. It’s just difficult when you see everything that is going on around you. Difficult, not impossible.
Nwunye…you have become my new hero! Dear Vera had scared me for while there lol! Thanks for your Insight!!!! Now I will copy paste your response into my fiances’ inbox 🙂
LOL @ Nkem. Biko fear not. When I do have a fiance, however, I will copy and paste this to him too. Hahaha 😀
Be not afraid biko. Meanwhile, I wish you a blissful married life.