Why I Have Not Started Online Dating

Why have I not started online dating? First, let me tell you about this friend of mine. Let’s call her Tiffany. I have known Tiffany for a couple of years, but I have never known her to be in a committed relationship. That has never stopped Tiffany from having fun and living her best life – as it should be. Every time Tiffany and I get together, she tells me stories of all the men who are just dying for her love. I used to live my dating life vicariously through Tiffany — until I realized that all of Tiffany’s men were met online AND that some of them, she had never even met in person. Their relationship would usually fizzle out before they even got a chance to meet online.

Sometimes, I feel like a walking contradiction. I am an online personality. I conduct business online and I often find and connect with people online. I like the internet, and I think it likes me back. I have made friends online, and I have even found a boyfriend online before – although he started out as a friend. All that being said, I still prefer the initial connection to be the human, face-to-face kind when it comes to meeting and connecting with a potential romantic partner.

Here’s why I have not started online dating: people can be creepy. 

Back to my friend, Tiffany. She tells me all these stories, and she narrates their conversation to me. So, the says things like, “So I was like, baby, I’m hungry, and he said, baby, what do you want to eat?” … etc. From all of Tiffany’s stories, she and her dates always, always have some kind of term of endearment for each other — which is cute, right? I thought it was, too, until I discovered that she had not even met some of these men face-to-face yet, and that the ones she had met, she had only done so once or twice. And when she did meet them, their relationship skipped several levels got really intimate really quickly. 

Or is it me? Am I too old school and refusing to move ahead with the times?

So, one day, I asked Tiffany where she was meeting all these men and she rattled off a long list of dating sites, some of which I had heard of, but most of which I hadn’t. She couldn’t believe how clueless I was about online dating sites and apps, and she was horrified to know that I had not started online dating (was not even on any of them).

“Well, how are you going to meet somebody?” She asked me.

“I’d really rather meet him in person.”

“So have you met anyone?”

“No.”

The blank stare on her face told me she was judging me and strongly disagreeing with my method. The thing is, I had met people, but no one I wanted to be in a relationship with. And what I knew for sure was that I would not be able to cope with my phone buzzing nonstop from different men calling and texting. That would have driven me mad. When I was younger, I was the girl who enjoyed multiple men calling me at the same time. I remember one birthday where I invited my ex boyfriend, my current boyfriend, and a toaster (potential boyfriend). They were all in the same room and did not know each other. Ha! Fun times. In case, you’re wondering, the potential boyfriend did the most. He showed up with a dozen red roses. Yes, I claimed he was a friend, and no, I did not care how obvious it was that I was lying. But that’s a story for another day.

But Vera is tired today. Vera is worn out by her four-year-old, and Vera does not feel like swiping left or right. Vera also does not want to spend a copious amount of time texting back and forth. Do men not call anymore? This is a conversation for another day. Vera wants to sit down face-to-face and have a mind-stimulating, curiousity-raising conversation. She wants to hear what he’s saying and see what he’s not saying in his body language. She wants to see if it’s a smile or a smirk on his face. She wants to know if he smells like he emptied a bottle of cologne on himself, and she wants to know if he talks with food in his mouth. She prefers to know all these things on the first date. She also wants to know if his lips are chapped and if he keeps his finger nails clean or if they look like he digs his ass.  Does he put any effort into his looks? Is his shirt too tight and does he look unkempt? Also, unlike Tiffany, Vera does not wish to be called Baby during or after said date.

You’re probably thinking I can meet them online and then meet them somewhere for our first date, right? Yes, possibly, I suppose, but I still think Internet People can be creepy. If one day I join a dating website/app, I’ll come back here and apologize for sounding elitist. Although, I doubt it.

Basically, I think that people you meet face-to-face can be creepy, and the people you meet online can be even moreso, especially when you meet them for the purpose of dating. I would not be as suspicious or uncomfortable, for example, if I met someone on, say Instagram, and we became “friends” and one day, we decided to meet up. Now, if this blossoms into more than friendship, it wouldn’t be as creepy to me. Meeting on a dating site, however, makes me feel like everyone is out to sell their market and make it appear to be a good product when it’s really just a piece-of-shit smoking mirror, a castle in the sky. 

Look, I already told you that I’m a walking contradiction, okay?

Also, in my defense, even if you think my style of meeting people in person isn’t working, I don’t think Tiffany’s style is working either. What is the point of meeting all these men if you never go far with any and you just keep meeting more? Who has this kind of time? AhsweartahGahd! I do not have enough time in a day for this.

If you have started online dating or if you are generally online dating, share your thoughts with me. Are you liking it? Are you scared that someone might be a killer? Or is that just my irrational fear?

P.S. But I do need to actually go out more.

P.P.S. Speaking of going out more, I told my friends that I’d like to have a guy friend that I can hang out with every now and then for maybe dinner and/or a movie — but I’m not interested in catching feelings or in sex. I just want to be friends. They – Funmie and Uju – said I’m writing playing myself. I need to cancel them both, that’s what I need to do.

P.P.P.S. Yes, I’m open to dating and loving (not with the just-friend guy oh!). No, I still don’t think I’ll ever get married again.