I Don’t Know If I’ll Ever Remarry

Don’t freak out yet, let me explain — then you can freak out later when you find out why I don’t know if I’ll ever remarry. As you know, in December 2017, I walked out of marriage, and in 2019, I filed for divorce. My divorce became final in the same year. Actually, I’m currently excitedly counting down to my one-year divorsary. I totally just made that word up. If you haven’t yet, you can read the story about how my marriage ended here. It’s a long read, but it’s worth it. So I’ve been told anyway.

Ideally, I’d like to remarry. Since my separation, I have said that I’d like to remarry. In fact, I spend quite a lot of time daydreaming about my future husband. I have even given him a name – not that he has to bear that name, but that when I’m imagining him, I need a name, especially since I don’t have a face. In my mind, he has a beard though. Uju and Funmie know the name of this imaginary future husband, and when I talk about him as if he exists, I can see them side-eyeing me, whether we’re on a video call or not. They’re probably tired of me.

The other day, I was talking to Uju on the phone, and I began to discuss the logistics of my baby shower. It took her a while to catch on, and then she finally asked, “Wait. Whose baby shower?” And I said, “Mine now!” Then she burst out laughing and asked, “Bia, this girl, won’t you get a husband first? Or are we skipping that entire phase?” We had a good laugh, but in the back of my mind, I wondered, “But do I have to get a husband first though?” I mean, sperm works whether or not the owner is your husband, right? But I digress.

Although I had a terrible experience in my marriage, I am not now jaded by marriage, nor do I hate men. I don’t even hate Yoruba men, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t eye them suspiciously when they make their intentions known. Oh, and I promise, I am also not now a lesbian. It still tickles me though that a lesbian wanted to flip me over like a biscuit. Her words [allegedly], not mine.

More and more, I’m asking myself questions that I am sometimes too afraid to answer audibly: do I really need to be married again? Do I even want to be married again? I don’t have the same concerns about wanting my confusingly identical twin boys, but when it comes to marriage, there’s an uncertainty and reluctance to it that wraps around me like a blanket. And it’s alarming how cozy I am in this blanket.

As a Nigerian girl, I should want marriage. After all, I was groomed for it and taught to aspire to it. Even with that, marriage, for me, was never something I saw as a must-do, but a like-to-do. However, I cannot help but compare my life now to my life when I was married, and if my decision to remarry will be based on which Vera I love looking at more in the mirror, then there is no competition there. This Vera, the one writing this right now, she’s happier, she sleeps better at night, she’s more in control of her life, and she’s experiencing a kind of peace she never, ever wants to lose.

And no, I do not think that marriage is synonymous with chaos and lack of peace. But I have also learned in my relationships with other Nigerian women that often times, the success of a marriage is hinged on its longevity. Being married for thirty years hardly ever means being happily married for thirty years. In fact, it rarely ever means being happily married at all. The celebration here is simply the length of the marriage. In case you’re wondering, mine was for six years before I walked out. By this measure, it was probably a failure because I did not suffer long enough.

But here’s the biggest reason why I don’t know if I will ever get married again: it’s because I want more now, and frankly, I don’t know if what I want is available in a human man. Right now, I have peace and I feel fulfilled. I only want to get married if the union will produce more peace and fulfillment for us both. I don’t want to have average or be average in any part of my life, marriage included. If I must get married again, it must be to an excellent man.  This may well be the perfect time for me to respectfully direct myself to my personal Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Ha! 

When I got married before, there were certain things I was looking for in a man, but now that I’m older and more experienced, the things I want have changed. Some have been completely crossed out, some have been updated, and some new ones have been added.

For example, if you had asked me what I wanted in a man before I got married, I would have told you that I wanted a God-fearing man. As a Christian girl, it would have been sacrilegious to not want one. Today, however, I still want a God-fearing man, but I know exactly what that looks like now. I want a man who has reverential fear of God. I want a man who will go on his knees to God for me, not a man that I have to go on my knees to pray against. I want a man who values his relationship with God. I don’t need a church-going, bible-reading, tithe-paying hethan.

Another example is how I feel about finances. I am no longer willing to sponsor anyone’s projects, nor am I willing to pay anyone’s debt off or sponsor his family in the name of love. I’m just not interested. And as it turns out, I have my own family to care for, too. This child who was beautifully created and given to me to nurture, she needs to be sponsored too. And I am still 100% responsible for her.

For most people, when you first get married, there’s a honeymoon phase, right? So maybe I’m in the honeymoon phase of my divorce, and maybe in about two years, it’ll fizzle out and I’ll want something else? I don’t know. Time will tell, I suppose. Although, I don’t think it’ll fizzle out, and I think that in two years time, my lean towards not remarrying will become a hard stand, written in stone.

Unless, of course, this mystery man in my head does exist. And he somehow – against all odds – manages to flip me over like a biscuit and land me on the other side of marriage. If I ever announce that I am getting married again, know that he does exist — and I have found that I like the Vera I am with him more than the Vera I am without him. Again, he’s looking and sounding more and more like Jesus.