I received this e-mail on Thursday last week, and I have been sleeping on it since then. Our Verastic reader – let’s call her Ann – is having a sexual issue that isn’t half as uncommon as she may think. Read it with care, and please, tender your opinion(s) without judgment. I’m going to respond to this letter differently by also including Igwe’s thoughts. When you are done reading this post, please respond, and then share it via Twitter, Facebook, and e-mail. Let it spread as wide as possible. Help can come from anywhere.
Hello Verastic. Your blog is fairly new to me (i.e if you would call 3 months new) and i have enjoyed every bit of it. I am assuming Midnight bluez is still an active segment of Verastic.com hence my mail.
I am a 31 [year old], in my second year of marriage. I am not your average romantic/lovey dovey kinda girl uhm uhm. I am responsible, just not that one that melts away, nope! Before my husband i dated a married man (out of a complete unknowing…matter for another day).
Before this man, i was sexually active in a not too fun kinda way and then he came along and gave me ”the experience”. Fast forward to my sex life with my man now. He is a good man, loves me and i, him, stays very long and strong through intercourse but here is the problem: If i have to orgasm or thoroughly enjoy intercourse with my man, i would have to visualize sex with the other man (the married one from the past) or any other pornographic scene for that matter.
Now, i do not even visualize these men with their faces and all that, its just the size and the way they do the do. I love my husband more than life, that i can assure you. I know that i would never consciously want to be with another but this is what it is. It makes me feel like a cheat and i completely hate the feeling. How do i handle this?
My Opinion: Dear Ann, I don’t know what kind of exciting sex you had with your ex boyfriend exactly, but I think he may have set the bar pretty high (and this is a good thing!). This may sound like a cliché, but I think the best thing you can do now is tell your husband what you like. You said the sex is good, but you have to imagine your ex (or a pornographic scene) to have an orgasm.
What is it that your ex did that made the sex explosive? Was it something he said? Something he did? The way he did it? The way he touched you? Think well about it. Whatever it is that made you cross over to orgasm, tell your husband to do it. I don’t know exactly how this conversation would go with him. I mean, I don’t know what kind of husband you have. Would he be offended that you are implying he’s not doing what you need? But whatever the case, do NOT tell him that you imagine someone else. Oh, and to answer your question, I don’t think it’s “cheating” to think of someone else while having sex with your husband, but I don’t think it’s a great thing either.
Igwe’s Opinion: Dear Ann, men have this thing where they think differently about their wives. Once a woman becomes his wife, a man tends to treat her differently. He respects her and adores her. Consequently, he has sex with her like she’s his wife, never like his girlfriend. It’s a double-edged sword. It’s good that he respects you as his wife, but when it comes to sex, you probably want him to go all in. You want him to f*ck you, not just make love to you. You want him to go crazy and make you crazy.
This is possibly the reason why your married boyfriend rocked your world. Perhaps, he didn’t go all in with his wife, but because you were his girlfriend (not his wife), he did things with you and to you that he’d never feel comfortable doing with/to his wife. It is also possible that your husband is now doing the same thing (sexing you like his wife). This doesn’t mean at all that he’s doing something with someone else; it just means that maybe he is not comfortable becoming a monster with you.
Ultimately, you have to talk to him. Another option is to just show him. For example, you can initiate things or you can introduce things – whatever you want – to the bedroom. Make him understand what you want.
Goodluck, Ann! I hope this helps, and if you have an update for us (or more questions), please write us again.
P.S. Ann talked about the Midnight Bluez series. I don’t do Midnight Bluez anymore, but technically, it isn’t canceled. Dear Vera is exactly the same thing, so we’ll just say that we continued Midnight Bluez under a different name.
P.P.S. Send a Dear Vera mail via blog@verastic.com or you may send it anonymously via the contact page here. Whether or not you include your name in the Dear Vera mail, the post will never, ever include your name.
P.P.P.S. Read previous Dear Vera posts HERE.
DISCLAIMER: My and Igwe’s response to Dear Vera letters are solely based on opinion, and should be taken with caution and at the express discretion of the readers and writers.
Dear poster there comes a time in EVERY womans life when she has to fantasize about other lovers or men to be able to climax. Its not cheating. Even men do it. But because your marriage is still very young you have to have a chat with hubby like vera suggested. Good luck.
Men do it. Women do it. Igwe does it. Vera does it. It’s called “fantasy” for a reason. It may be some man you just met yesterday, or an ex you never conquered, or – as in your case – an ex with skill, as long as it remains in your head, you’re good. It helps to talk it over with your spouse though, as long as he’s understanding. Women will probably freak out if a man told them this, but it’s natural. And if your spouse is anyone like me, he won’t even mind if you tell him you think of someone else. Telling him, you’ll be surprised, might remove the need for that man’s image in your head. Like Vera said, the man can eventually grow into that role if you tell him to do exactly what you want. Sex is great in marriage, and fantasy makes it so. I hope your husband doesn’t ruin it either. Good luck.
I’m with Vera, hubby just isn’t hitting it right (for lack of a better phrase). And lets be real, there are very few people who are gonna knock it outta the park without any assistance. Everyone is different and everyone’s hotspots are different. In as much as i’m sure we’d all love for our partners to be mind readers and just know how to please us, that more often than not isn’t the case. Jejeli tell him what you want him to do (you know the male ego now, gotta be tactful lol). You don’t have to tell him “my ex did this, so you should do it too” but you gotta say something.
I think a rich fantasy life is a wonderful thing to have, and so is a great real-life sex life. Ideally, they should both support each other– the fantasy should inspire the reality, and the reality should inspire the fantasy, and together they both get better and better. It’s normal and just part of being human to still miss things about past lovers– it would be weird and boring if everyone were exactly the same as everyone else, right? It’s not unfaithful to be with a new person and think “Gee, I miss the way my ex and I used to watch cute cat videos together,” (my best friend Monica moans about this all the time!) and it’s also not unfaithful to think, “Gee, I miss the way that guy-who-turned-out-to-be-a-jerk used to pull my hair and make me feel all shivery…” (and that one’s an example from my own sordid past. :D)
So. Don’t feel guilty.
BUT! Do figure out a way to translate your fantasizing into reality. You deserve to have hot, delicious sex with someone you also happen to love and want to spend your life with. It’s scary as hell, critiquing someone’s technique– believe me, I’m TERRIBLE at it. But if you really want to be with someone long term, it’s worth trying. If it helps, start off coy and vague: “Sometimes… sometimes I have these fantasies…” There are probably men out there who will not respond with immediate, urgent curiosity, but as far as I’m concerned, then they’re jerks anyways, and shouldn’t be bothered with.
Good luck!
Thank you, Mac! 🙂
Yes, it’s normal. lATELY, I KEEP ENCOURAGE MY HUBBY TO THINK ABOUT HIS EX WHEN HE FUCK ME. hE GOT VERY EXCITED. iT MAKE HIM WANT TO DO HER FOR REAL AND HIS CONFESS TO ME THAT MOST THE TIME WHEN HE SEE HER, HE IS ATTRACTED TO HER, BUT HE DOES NOT FEEL FEELING TO HER. SHE CAN WEAR CLOTH THAT MAKE HER LOOK VERY SEXY AND IT TURN MY HUBBY ON EVEN IF HE THINK THAT I’M VERY BEAUTIFUL AND SEXY TOO. i JUST WANT TO LOOK IN A WAY THAT IT’S A FANTASY THAT EXCITE BOTH OF US AND I KNOW IT WILL NEVER HAVE ANYTHING IN A REALITY. eVEN IF THERE IS A POSSIBILITY… i THINK I WILL NOT MIND AS LONG AS IT IS JUST SEX.
My boyfriend and I are in college and we’ve been together for a year and a half. I lost my virginity to him when I was 19. The sad thing is, I have never had an orgasm with him during sex. The only time I orgasm is when he gives me oral and I close my eyes and think about my ex boyfriend (who never even saw me naked). It hurts me and makes me feel so guilty, but it is the only way I can orgasm. I have tried thinking about my boyfriend or an erotic movie scene, but neither of those work. Don’t get me wrong, my boyfriend is very attractive and in shape, but I thought my ex was my soulmate. I wanted to lose my virginity to my ex, but he moved thousands of miles away to go to college and to a different state and a relationship was just not feasible.
I’m still madly in love with my ex, who I label as just my “friend,” but we had something special and I can never get over it. My current boyfriend wants to get us promise rings because he wants to marry me, but my gut tells me no because I just want to be married to my ex again. I see my boyfriend as more of a loving friend and my ex as more of my soulmate.
I have tried not communicating with my ex and cutting him off, but it just makes me feel depressed and lifeless.
Stay true to your convictions and don’t stay with your current boyfriend because it makes sense on paper. I went through a similar situation and chose the safe route. Now every day I wish I could go back and pursue the other person. Regret is more painful than a broken heart.
Not a good idea at all..It seems like it is kinda cheating ur other half. Some may get jealous out of it in real. If i find my wife thinking about her ex or someone else while doing sex with me, that means she is not completely over her ex or her past. No one should dwell on past in first hand. Secondly, Do you guys really think it is a healty relationship??it sounds gross…i feel pity how people can have sex with a loved one thinking about someone else back in mind…..