Dear Eric Jerome Dickey, Wande Coal Is Nigerian, Not Ghanaian

Dear Eric Jerome Dickey,

I was going to simply send you a tweet and a picture, but then, I thought, “How un-Nigerian to be so simple. Where’s the drama?!” So, here I am, dedicating an entire post to you. You. Are. Special. I have been reading your books since I was a teenager; I was probably too young to be reading your book. But what had happened was that I was new in America, and I did not have a summer job, and then I discovered that in America, you can borrow books from the library – FOR FREE. So, that summer, it’s fair to say that I did the most. I hauled books out of the library with giant shopping bags, and my mom was my accomplice. Of course, she was. She was happy she didn’t have to spend money buying me books. But I digress.

I have all your books. I haven’t read all – because, hey, adulting and mommying – but I do have all. Your newest not-yet-released book (Before We Were Wicked) is sitting in my Amazon cart waiting to be preordered when your people price it more reasonably. $27, really? *INSERT HERE WHAT YOU FONDLY CALL THE AFRICAN SNAPS. INSERT THREE OF THEM*

I did not go to bed until about 6:00 AM yesterday (Monday) morning (and I had to start work at 9:00 AM) because I was reading your last published book, “Bad Men and Wicked Women.” There’s a lot of African-ness in it. Congratulations, I see you’ve made some African friends. As a Nigerian, I, of course, was particularly delighted to familiar names like Wizkid and Mr. Eazi and jollof rice. And yes, Wande Coal.

Speaking of jollof rice, don’t let these other African nations fool you: Nigerians make the best jollof. I don’t remember now if you mentioned Kenya as one of the countries contesting the best jollof rice, but if you did, then that’s so laughable. Everyone knows that Kenyans don’t even cook with spice. Don’t come for me, Kenyan people. Don’t come for me.

But I was on page 31 of your book when I read something that was truly heartbreaking, atrocious, and a downright act of treason [we can argue about the meaning of treason later]: you referred to Wande Coal, our very own black diamond, correct crooner bae, cast of the legendary Mo Hits as …. Ghanaian??? If this were Westeros, you’d be getting beheaded right now. But this isn’t Westeros, and I am not Joffrey Baratheon. I’m Vera Ezimora, Nigerian in America — and apparently also black. You won’t be beheaded – partly because I can’t stand blood anyway, but your friend Kayode Disu needs to report to the imaginary Council of Nigerians Reclaiming Nigerians to answer a few questions, like why he’s falling our hand from across the pond.

Did you confuse Wande Coal for Ghanaian because of the hue of his blackness?  Or because of the melody of his voice? If you listen to Ghanaians, they will tell you that Nigerians steal all their creative and intellectual property. But how can we steal what we own and inspired? Challey/Chale/Charlie, don’t come for me; I’m not trying to start a tribal war.

Eric Jerome Dickey, you owe us [the Nigerian community]. You can’t go back and unwrite what you wrote in the book, but you can at least try the Nigerian jollof rice AND publicly pledge your allegiance to it. Tell the world that Nigeria’s jollof rice is the best and should cease to be compared to any other nation’s jollof rice. We’ve got this on lockdown. Fly a virtual Nigerian flag, if you have to. Also, if it won’t break your tweet bank, mention that Wande Coal belongs to us, not the Ghanaians. 

P.S. Let me know when you’re in Baltimore, so I can make you some real jollof rice.

P.P.S. Jake Ellis should have been Nigerian. He had the swagger of a Nigerian and the bedroom manners of a Yoruba Demon. But then again, he did spend a lot of time in Nigeria, so he’s technically one of us.

P.P.P.S. To end the jollof rice war, I leave you with this old meme that continues to do my heart Paulina-Paulina.

Drops mic, point made. Eric Jerome Dickey has been told, just like that *3 snaps*

Great book as usual! Buy Bad Men and Wicked Women on Amazon. You can also pre-order Before We Were Wicked on Amazon.