Will The Real Rapists Please Stand Up?

There’s a reason why Nigerians – in spite of their sufferings – are the happiest people on the face of the earth. Why won’t we be? We always have all kinds of comic reliefs, even when things are not meant to be funny … like the case of the pastors that got raped by prostitutes. Or did they?

Don’t laugh. This is a true story. Once upon a time, there lived a bunch of Pastors who felt called by someone – they say it’s God – to go into the world and preach the gospel. Knowing that the gospel should be preached to sinners, they went where it was needed most: the brothel with all the prostitutes.

And there they were, preaching, and preaching, and preaching when all of a sudden, the prostitutes did the strangest thing: they flashed their breasts! And at that very moment, the pastors became “disoriented by the sudden display of breasts and other revealing body parts which reportedly hypnotized” them. Of course. But wait, it gets even better.

At the moment of this disorientation, the pastors were dragged into the room  – against their will, I suppose – where quickies were performed – also against their will. Though the article did not mention this, I know that their penises got hard against their will too. In and out of the prostitutes they went, until powwwwww … they ejaculated and the blood returned from their penises to their heads. That was when they “regained their composure and insisted on not paying the harlots’ bills, arguing that that was not their original mission.” You don’t say.

Well, the pastors may want to cry rape, but the rest of us know that the pastors just went there for awoof sexing. I can only imagine how many other pastors have gotten down on their knees since this incident and said to God, “God, why na?! Upon all the serve wey I don serve You, why You come fall my hand like this? You know say these prostitutes go arrange, and You no say make You alert awon boys. E get as You dey do oh!”  I’ll say one thing though: it’s good to know the kind of effect our breasts have. And once I find a willing rape victim, I will flash my own breasts, too. Oh, and I almost almost certain that at least one pastor has returned to that brothel to preach the gospel once more.

You may read the story for yourself here. And everything I have in quotation up there was taken directly from the article.

What are your thoughts?