For The Wives And Intending Wives

This thing passed around social networks for a minute, and I have been intending to bring it to you to alert you on the not-so-new bullshit that is trending. Though I do not know the author of this particular bullshit, I am almost complete sure that a woman wrote it.  Men will not set their fellow men up like this. My thoughts are in italics and parenthesis. Continue to read the advice you should not take.

This is specially for wives and intending wives; as it may save you having a stroke and high BP.

1.  Most Men cannot have sex exclusively with just one woman for the rest of their lives (most men should not get married to one woman for the rest of their lives then).

2.  Men are created with varied sexual appetite ,some men can do without sex for a year, others cannot do without sex for a week. (And this concerns me how?)

3.  A man who’s madly in love with one woman can still have sex with other women but still love his ‘woman’. (Good news: so can a woman who is in love, too).

4.  Some of the best husbands have concubines or mistresses, these extra marital affairs play a role in keeping the man sane and free of sexual tensions, especially during mid-life crises. (Point me to the bad husbands that are faithful and insane. I want one of those.)

5.  I f your man is just having sex with some sweet sexy teen or babe, DO NOT WORRY. But, if your man starts making midnight calls and exchanging text messages with another lady at odd hours, BE VERY WORRIED (I pity the foolish husband that will try my homicidal tendencies in this way.)

6.  Before you choose your man, ensure he believes in AIDs, STDs and protected sex. That way, chances are that he will not bring HIV and other STDs into your life. (There are many people who believe in death and they are still all dead. The same applies to HIV/AIDS.)

7.  Most chronic wife beaters are faithful husbands, they hardly have extramarital affairs. (So these two qualities are now mutually exclusive? A man is either one or the other?)

8.  Most ‘extra’ loving husbands have concubines, these concubines keep the man abreast on new ways of making women happy (This is exactly what that shameless cheating Edo man told me, that his cheating makes his wife a happier woman. I’ll pass. Thanks.)

9.  Your man’s mistress or concubine is most times not interested in you or your home. She has already seen your pictures and those of your kids via your hubby’s phone. She and your hubby just have a sexual understanding or partnership which helps both deal with peculiar individual issues. (And very soon, all three of us will have a bloody relationship with the business end of my gun pointing to their temples. I’ll take another picture for his phone, so she can see it there too).

10.  As a woman, if you go all out in a bid to catch your husband red-handed cheating, you WILL succeed. Then what next? If u listen hard to your domestic servants in their private discussions, u will certainly hear them insult you, so why listen? (Who cares what the domestic servants are saying? And I will not have to go out in a bid to catch him cheating because he won’t be. It’s that simple.)

11.   Judge your man by his responsibilities towards you and the kids, and NOT by who he’s giving ‘doggie style’ to in the office. (Haaa! Well, not doggy-styling someone else is a responsibility to me. How about that? Besides, what’s wrong with doggy-styling me? *adjusts halo*)

When I talk this way, people say that I am naive, that I only speak so passionately because I do not know what it really feels like to be cheated on, and that I think things are black and white. No, I am not naive. And I do not think that things are always black and white. But I know that things are not that complicated either. How can I pledge my life to a man who is out there having sex with another woman, and I’m expected to take it all sitting down and only judge him by his responsibility? What responsibility? A house? Cars? Food? Sperm for procreation? I can provide them for myself. (Yes, even the sperm. We have sperm banks, thank you.)

What I want from him is his love, his protection, and his fierce loyalty. If he cannot provide any of those, then we have no business being together. Every arrangement we have is null and void once his loyalty stops being 100%. I can no longer promise to not kill him.

Like I said, this is for wives and intending wives. I bet you know which one I am 😉

P.S. I am not asking for anything that I cannot and do not give.

P. P.S. Dear husband, wherever you may be, if you have ears, heed my words. *pulling your left ear* Heed my words oh!