Techinically, I wasn’t chilling. I went in there for a reason. Heaven knows that I only pee in a public restroom when I have to, so I definitely will not be going in there to chill. What the puck! Yes, I said ‘puck’. I learnt it from Funmi’s three year old baby who said, ‘what the puck?’ I thought it was so cute, so now I say it every now & then. Well, I don’t mean cute as in awwww, she said her first f-word, but cute as in awww, she mispronounced it. Okay, obviously, there is no way for me to say this and meaningfully justify or explain the cuteness of a three year old saying ‘puck’. And if you’re wondering, the baby learnt it from Funmi’s younger brother. And no, I do not at any time of my life – consciously or unconsciously – include the f-word in my vocabulary. Back to my post…
On Monday, July 27th 2008, I was to meet someone at Macy’s. I picked Macy’s as the spot because I was going to go do some laptop window shopping @ Best Buy which was a few blocks down. As it turned out, I was too tired & exhausted to go to Best Buy, so I just went to Macy’s. I was even too tired to shop – not that I had the money sha. My eyes were a bit pink, revealing the limited sleep I had the night before. I literally dragged myself through Macy’s. I was even too tired to sniff perfumes, so you gotta believe me when I say I was tired. All I did was circle the shoe section and try on as many shoes as I could, nothing strenuous. About five different women asked me if I needed help. Wetin na?? I no fit try shoe for free again??? *hiss*
When the time to meet the person was getting close, I decided to do myself a favor and go to the restroom to ‘powder my nose.’ Who even coined this phrase? Does any1 actually go in2 the restroom to powder their nose? Once you enter the bathroom, there are two aisles – one by the left and one by the right. I went to the aisle by the left. I cleaned the leather couch in there and put my bag on it. Alas, I was finally going to use the little make-up I had been carrying in my bag for ages.
My people, there I was oh, jejely opening my blush kini when some Oyibo lady walked in. The haste with which she had walked in should have told me that all wasn’t well. This lady went into the stall behind me and next thing I heard was ppppprprrrruuuuuuu ppppprrrruuuuuu prrrrrruuuuuu. Goodness! That one na proper cholera o. I just packed my stuff and quickly ran to the other aisle. Before I could even get to the end of that aisle, a powerful stench almost blew me away. In fact, I was blown away. I didn’t have to look far to notice the big feet in a pair of athletic shoes inside one of the stalls. Me sef, I begin dey wonder whether na man abi na woman wey dey inside stall. I had to organize myself o. So yes, I just left the bathroom completely.
Fifteen minutes later, I went back in. I saw the first lady coming out of the bathroom. The look on her face was, “Uh oh, she knows what I did in there.” Me sef, the look I hoped was on my own face was, “Yes, I know what you did in there.” So the stalls were free. Awesome. I went back to the left aisle of the bathroom because Mrs. Big Feet was still in her stall on the right aisle. I was just beginning oh when some Mexican – to be politically correct, let’s call her Hispanic/Latino/Spanish – woman went to that same stall (the one where Mrs. Guilty Shitter had just exited), and before I could blink, she started her own session.
You’ve gotta be kidding me! That’s what I was thinking. Which kin nonsense temptation be that na? The only thing worse than smelling of shit is smelling of someone else’s shit. So I ran out of the bathroom again. About ten minutes later, I went back to the right aisle. This time, Mrs. Big Feet wasn’t there anymore. I was able to successfully finish powdering my nose and combing my hair to look presentable. Thank God I also had perfume in my bag – two for that matter. Some day, I’ll blog about all the crap in my bag.
I washed my hands and left the bathroom, but then I realized I didn’t have lotion in my bag. I decided to go to the lotion/perfume section to get a little dab of lotion. As if I had not been traumatized enough, I was walking towards the perfume and lotion section when some nosy Black lady who was waiting for her friend to try on shoes asked me if I had gotten a makeover from Mac. Means what?! Did I look that jacked up before? Of course, I didn’t ask. I think I knew what the answer would have been.
To compensate for all the mental injury that Macy’s and its customers had caused me, I went to the lotion/perfume aisle and poured some of the lotion (Unforgiveable Woman by Sean John) into my little lotion bottle. Wetin? No be steal I steal am now. Na sample I dey sample. Honestly, I had been planning on going to Victoria’s Secret to get more lotion, but there I was, in a section full of several sample lotions. Ah, I couldn’t let the opportunity pass me by oh. I filled up on my bottle sharp sharp! In fact, when this lotion finishes, I shall revisit Macy’s and fill up with a new kinda lotion. Who knew that such an expensive, nice-smelling lotion could come at such an affordable price?
As for those women who wanted to reperfume me with the stench of their shit, e no go better for them @ allll. If no be say I don change sef, I for don invoke cholera for their side.
Now that you’re done laughing at me, please take a moment to read my new article, Poles Apart. Thanks!!
Hee he, u have made my night with the 2 posts. BTW, I am first here 2.
Still second? I need to go and sleep now it is 2am Vera.
Kai, how did you cope smelling oyinbo shit???
Nyama……..
Temmy Tayo: LOL. You’re a trip girl. So na the fact say e be oyibo shit, na him dey trip you ehn? Anyway, e no dey easy ooo. In fact, I might need some counselling sef. Awwwww, don’t go 2 bed. … LOL
did u ask d post pple about d addy?
ahaha Oyinbo shit……
temmy, nyama for real.
For Vera’s fans and readers, a lil somn somn for y’ll from moi…..
“EVERY WOMAN” IS COMING ALONG REALLY GREAT OOO…. INFACT I READ THE LATEST CHAPTER YESTERDAY AND I AM JUST WOW…ED AT THE STORY LINE…. MOREMI, JAZZ, OFFIONG AND NIA ARE DOING GREEAAAATTTT…..
and in my head, they are as real and my lil sista saying wat the puck…yeap, she said it, i wanted to kill her sha but her mama saved her….
inbtwn…..IT FEELS GREAT TO BE A FRND OF THIS VERY POPULAR LOCAL CHAMPION…. I AM A BLESSED CHILD.
Funmie: I am warning you for the last time. You call me a local champion one more time, and I will deal with you mercilessly. Make you no dey try me oh… ahah! Thanks 4 the shout out to the Every Woman characters, but you forgot Ebby. Why? It is because she’s Igbo??? I’m gonna take your letter to the Post Office tomorrow morning and ask them why it didnt go thru, but the address I’ve been giving out is right sha, so I dunno what the problem is.
You’re brave sha, returning to the scene of the offensive odours! Me sef would not return to the bathroom for at least an hour or two, and just depend on my hand mirror to ensure I look ok.
titilailai na wt puck I go dey talk o!!!
ewwww….I was eating babe! eating!!! next time give a heads up now!!! ooooo
Bloody thief oshi! be deceivin yaself for there…sample ko..sample ni…
read the article..oya clap 4 yasef…
P.S.: err…vee? why do keep givingus ur addy n phone number? I will stalk u out of annoyance
seriously now…I dnt envy u mehn over u smellin oyinbo shit…not fresh at all..I should know…dang!!!
off to read the chapter and others if i can:)
so funny with the ladies who tormented you. poor thing……..
“Powder my nose”. Thansk for mentioning this. I have spoken to whoever cares to listen abt that phrase. They later assured me that peeps do powder their nose for real especially d Oyinbos that will sweat from their nose down. Is this true?
Let me go read ur other post and tell u a slight sorry for the natural restroom perfume.
Dearie, read your ‘poles apart’ on your FB page and thought it was awesome.
Just a note of warning: Hanging around public restrooms could get you arrested for soliciting for sex O!
Your post reminded me of when I was going for a date and walked into the nearest Boots shop to spray some perfume on my body. The babe said I was smelling really nice not knowing it was just a sample I used. Ah! The small things a woman can fall for!
What????????/ they have a counter for lotion? I would have gone with a bucket…hmmm wonder if there is a macys here…lmao.
Kai, the smell of a boyfriends shit is bad enough, someone elses??? Mba!!!
@Naijaleta: r u really sure abt women falling for small things? Perhaps you are referring to those with low self-esteem that believe thier existence depends on stuff form others. Abi?
lol, u even went there twice? you sef get strong nose!
LOL…Yeee Vera ohh…The first one was not enough for you…You had to go back…TWICE! LOL…Pele…Ahh…at that Macy’s lotion…Fear go too catch me.
GoodNaijaGirl: Nne, wetin I for do na? My hand mirror is very small, and that was the only bathroom in Macy’s. I was too tired to leave Macy’s and go to another store. I suffer dat day oo!
Chari: You’re welcome 2 stalk me. I am very stalkable. No be thief I thief the lotion o, abeg. I only sampled it. And when it finishes, I might go back 2 ‘sample’ another lotion. As 4 the oyinbo shit…kai, don’t remind me, please.
Jaguda: Yes oh, poor thing indeed. I suffered dat day. I dunno whether those women drank a bottle of lotion down. Y else will they be running 2 the bathroom like that?
Standtall: If the oyinbos really do powder their nose, me I no know oh. I just know that I have never gone 2 the bathroom 2 powder my nose. I don’t even reapply make-up sef. Oh welll…
Naijaleta: Yes, indeed, we do fall for very small things…unfortunately. But come oh, which kin sex I go dey solicit inside women’s bathroom? LOL. One of these days, I will “unknowingly” walk into the men’s bathroom. I’m curious as to what happens in there… hmmm.
AfroBabe: Thank you my sister. You for don go with bucket ehn? Ah, me sef, I musto go back there and sample another lotion. LOL @ bf’s shit.
Bumight: I needed to use the mirror, darn it! You know what I shoulda done? I shoulda just gone to the men’s bathroom 4 real.
Archiwiz: Make fear no dey catch you oh. I shall return to Macy’s to sample another lotion when the time is right i.e. when the one I’m currently sampling finishes.
Ole, Ajibole!
But for real, i didn’t know that was possible sha. I need to be armed with a little lotion bucket from now on, lemme to sample lotion.
But u like punishment sha, d 1st one no do you, u had to go for round 2!
I said…
UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE,
Afronuts: LOL @ Chari being experienced @ sniffin oyinbo shit. Which kin experience be that? Dem dey put that one for resume (cv)? lol. As 4 not being a slacker, no comments.
Chari: Knock yourself out jo. I no dey fear.
Pink Lips: Yes oh, that was the only toilet @ Macy’s. You think there was another toilet and I just kept going back to that one? No o.
Aloofar: Respect yourself o. Don’t make me hurt you.
buhahahahahhaahahah.
Tooo funny mehn
~Da-SisTa~: LOL. I know. It’s funny now, but it’s wasn’t funny on that day o. LOL.
I’m not quite sure what is wrong with the comment box of this post. It’s not current. I’m receiving comments in my inbox, but they’re not showing here. I mean, they show, but not until a new comment has been put up,so….
I’m gonna have to keep posting to make other people’s comments show.
@Vera…ya too funny no be small. I hear say Oyinbo shit smell worse than AFrican shit.lol
YankeeNaijaBabe: I am too ashamed to confirm or deny what you have just said. All I can say is that I wish for it to never, ever happen to me again.
The evil called public restrooms huh. Sorry u had to go thru dat…u sef u wan fine pass everybody make u just dey go redo the makeup 4 bathroom, na wa 4 u o. Lol. Nice blog though, will definitely be back.
My dear, I just say make I fine small na. If I no fine na, una go say I ‘let myself go’ but to fine, e no dey easy. Look @ how many rounds of oyinbo shit I had to smell. In fact, I no want talk about am again. The thing still dey pain me sef. lol
You really made my day with such a hilarious tale. I feel your pain completely, sometimes it’s embarassing enough to walk into the bathroom of a shopping mall without having to experience other people’s nastiness… better luck next time….
Vera, u go kill me one day. Here I am at work pretending to work and giggling like a crazy girl.
Bibi: Yes oh, better luck next time indeed. I’m definitely wishing myself more luck. That’s what I get for going to powder my nose. lol.
Rosie: LOL. Don’t worry. I always pretend to work too.