Yes, I did it!! I cannot take it anymore….the shame. The guilt. The nightmares!!! Oh, for the love of God, forgive me, I did it. I cannot bear this burden in my heart anymore. I must confess.
Several years ago (way before I migrated to US of A), I spent Christmas in my maternal grandmother’s house in the village. I loved having several trees of sweet oranges @ my disposal. I loved being able to eat okpa (that thing like moi moi they make in a leaf) any time I wanted. I loved being able to eat that sweet fruit…still don’t know its name, but the back is green and inside is white with seeds. So milky & sweet! I loved all the fruits @ my disposal in fact.
But I hated some things too. I hated the heat. I had to take showers several times a day. I hated the dust. I hated my grandmother’s huge turkey that used to chase me around the compound. It always stood outside the door whenever I went to take a shower, so I always had to scream 4 help. Someone always had to come and chase the darn thing away. I think it had a crush on my; I don’t know if I should be flattered, amused, worried, or scared. Right now, I’m all of the above. I hated the fact that the bathroom and the toilet were outside the house. I hated the way people always felt the need to touch me or pull my cheeks. I hate being touched by strangers.
Most of all, I hated the toilet. It was a pit toilet! I have a big enough problem being in other people’s bathroom, so that pit toilet was torture for me. I never saw poop on the floor, but I always imagined it to be there. The sounds of buzzing flies never made it easier for me either. The idea of exposing my butt hole to a pit full of other people’s poop was just not appealing to me. What if a fly that had touched someone else’s poop came and perched on my butt? Or worse, my face? Eww!! I hated the dinginess of that toilet. I just couldn’t stand it. So I devised a plan. Oh, yes, indeed, I did.
You know those ‘santana bags?’ Those clear bags they use to bag things in Naija (like peanuts)? Yeah, well, grandma had loadz of them. So guess what I did. I only pooped when I was ready to take a shower. And how did I do it, you ask? In the bag of course! I did it in the bathroom where there were no flies buzzing around. So whatever happened to the bagfuls of poop? Oh, well, I kinda sorta flung them over fence….. into my grandma’s farm!!
Before you judge me, I did not know that was part of my grandma’s farm! I thought it belonged to someone else. Yes, how very selfish of me, I know. And I was only about maybe 13 or 14 then (not that I wouldn’t do it again if the chance presented itself…). So all through the time I was in the village, I flung all my poop across the fence. It was a perfect plan. No1 ever knew what I did. Every time I did it, a mischievous smile crept upon my face, a smile that was often confused as innocense. Ah, if only they knew!
But several years later, my grandma migrated to the States (2002, to be precise), and one day, she and my mother somehow talked about the farm. Hehehehehehe. Well, let’s just say my grandma told my mother about how she had found bags of poop in her farm. Walahi, it took all the strength I had to not burst out laughing. What made it funnier was that I was my mother’s first suspect. I dunno why. Did she really think of me as someone who was that mischievous? My feelings were hurt…NOT!
So, of course, I kept a straight face and denied it squarely. I went as far as saying how nasty it was for someone to do such a terrible, terrible thing! Seriously, how could some1 in their right mind poop in a bag and then fling it into someone’s farm? People can be so cruel! Yeah, whatever.
So, there goes my confession. I am free. Let my grandma not say I never admitted guilt.
FIRSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
lmao! so you were the shot-putter!!!
wow, boarding house days!
Verastiiiccccc! as u fine reach, u dey shot put again? Lemme gist u about this Jnr in HS.
My parents brought provs for me on visiting day. and Ms lady got trapped inside the hostel tryna escape night prep. She wanted to shit, so she grabbed an empty can of milk from under the bed and handled her BI. Two days later, when urs truly was gonna ‘launch’ her can of milk, … yep u guessed it. A can of ‘condensed #2’…lol and the ode girl came to confess to me again. needless to say, i wanted to kill her but I just asked her to go.
Somehow, I see ur face on that Jnr. u should be punished…lol
VERA! Only you will poop in a bag. That could be the title to a song men. (Temite singing)
Vera na the only person o
Wetin
I said Vera na the only person o
wey sey pooop in a bag
Wetin?
I say she dey poop in a bag,
haba!
pooooooooop innnnnn aaaaa baggggggg! (the end) Thank you, thank you for that wonderful applause.
Anyhoos Vera you should be flogged! Ewwwwwww! Poor woman, I hope she didnt have to clear it up herself, cuz, if she did, ummmm, I have no comments. What if the poop at blasted on someone’s face ehn, I bet you didnt even look over the fence before you threw it.
confessions of an unrepentant shot-putter!!!
i remember d indignation i used to feel those days in boarding skull when u’d just see “one fresh shot-put” on ur morning duty portion!
poor grand ma………..
temiloluwa
boarding house dint help u at all.
anyway,u shd be confessing to ur grandma or gimme her number so u can confess properly…..lol
loooooool!!! wow!!!…thts just gross girl..but hella funny!!
this is your own version of “online confession”, abi?
next time tell ur grandma, someone was simply supplying her with free “compost manure”…
ok then i’ll email ur blog address to grandma….sebi its verasticmama@yahoo.co.uk abi?we’ll see who’s laffing then.bad ! bad! girl.
Nasty, nasty, nasty and reading this on a Monday Morin…
Why d you have to do that to me, need to get the pix of poop filled santana bags out of my head.
Ditto Miz-Cynic, grandms gotta hear this.
Vera, I half expected you would do something like that.. see ur life..lol..
You are a baaaaaaaaarrd child!(lol)
And I am so sure you ate vegetables and other stuff from that farm without knowing…POOP FLINGER!
lollllllllllllllllll ‘
wat a confession’
Nawa o..free original manure…lol…kai!
Men that Nefertiti story is even worse! Gross!!!
Hehehe..VERA!!!!
I did this very same thing too. Only thing was that I threw it into the pit. I would stand at the door and fling it. in, praying not to miss because that would mean going in….I hated that place. Plus, I don’t think there was any lighting in the place at all. Nyama!
Now this is a memory, that would have been best unforgotten. Thanks (NOT) for helping me remember
O.M.G Vera! ROFL!!!! That’s freakin hilarious! It’s even funnier than my friend telling me that when he was younger he went to visit his grandma in Haiti and he (like you, didn’t like the pit of disgustingness) ended up cracking coconuts open and pooping into them, closing them back up and tossing them in the woods. That’s freaking funny….but yours takes the prize.
hhahaha..shot putter…
are you confessing to us or have u done that to your grandmother?
If not..confess confess..
i think i am coming…would finalize later
vera u know wat de call dis? In secondary school n Uni de called it SHOT-PUT!!!! LOL!!!! I tink it goes wit d nylon n den swinging ova d fence so it lands in oda ppls farms or d oda side of d fence. I could neva do it, d grass tickled my ass.
LOL…LOL…LOL
only you vera! can throw shot-put.
i have done it before too in my villa. i dont think i threw mine into a farm sha….. but by the road!(God have mercy)
i think i did a similiar thing as a kid when we went to visit my grandmother in the village
this is soo funny
i kept on thinking
what did she do
what did she do
Vera, I swear you and I led very parallel lives. Only it was not a turkey that chased me, it was a giant chicken the size of a small goat. Did you have those weird insects in your okpa? And yes, I can never remember the name of that succulent milky sweet fruit with green and spikey skin. And I fled our pit toilet for our backyard where the farm started out. Why create a middle man (the bag) I just je-jely do my business in a small hole and contribute to the fertilization of her farm.
Nne! You are my sister from another mother and father.
…And that fruit you’re talking about….is it Atemoya perhaps???
Ehen! So na you dey make all those tomato dey fat for you grandmama farm eh! Kai! And Naija never win medal for shot-put during Olympics despite the abundance of talent…
But seriously, why is it that there are certain things that run in ALL female genes? Like shot-putting and bathing outside and going naked everytime? Anytime you knock on a female’s door, it’s always: Hold on, we’re naked!
Guys we should try this too oh!
@ Rosie: “And yes, I can never remember the name of that succulent milky sweet fruit with green and spikey skin.”
Na sour-chops (a.k.a. sour-sop) we bin dey call am that time o!
Unrepentant shot put expert. And person go see u think say u no dey do #2.
Hahahahaha! I can just imagine why u had to do that tho..
Ur mum must REALLY know her daughter hehe!
A turkey havin a crush on u??? I rebuke am for u in Jesus’ name! LMAO!
Oh n yea..yay u finally got to comment on our blog!
Darling, U are not alone!!In my early college years( of course in naija) my friends and I had no choice but to do the same. Most of us stayed in sch provided hostels in our 1st yr of sch, dirty bathrooms and toilets so the best way was go close to the toilet and shit in “waterproof” bags and the fling the crap into the toilet when your done( we fondly called it ” Af-len-ge”:)
Good ole days… i tell ya!!
LOL…Why are there so many poopy experiences at that age?
Mmmm… I saw enough shot putters being in a girl’s school that was behind an all boy’s school.
oh, the details. I feel bad for ur grandma who had to handle all those bags of poop.
Oh grosss…that was nasty! but funny! i prolly wld av laughed out wen ur grandma mentioned it and made up a joke as to why i laughed!
Bumight: Yes o! I was the shot putter. My dear, na condition make crayfish bend. Wetin man pikin fit do? lol. I had to do what I had to do.
Nefertiti: LOL. Hahahahahahaha. A can of what?! Kai, that babe no do you well @ all oh. I can only imagine your shock. hehehehe. Oh, my God! Abeg, don't kill me with laughter here. Goodness!
Temite: Thank you for that wonderful song of urs. About the poop blasting on someone's face, funny enough, I thot about it oo! Honestly, I thought, 'what if this thing falls on someone's face?' but me, I could not be bothered oo! I still had to throw it over the fence. And of course, I did not look over the fence first. I just hoped & prayed it didnt land on someone's face or in someone's food.
Temi: LOL. Hahahahaha. If shot puts could talk ehn….! Ah, thank God for small mercies. How I for take xplain dat kin thing?? Poor grandma ke?? Her farm enjoyed the benefits of manure 4 free. I'm the one who was subjected to such shitting styles, so poor Vera.
QMoney: LOL. Hahaha. Yes, obviously boarding skool ruined me a little bit. Give you grandma's number ke? No oh. This is all the confession my grandma will be getting. I have confessed. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Ms O: Hehehe. Thanks, love. Call it gross all you want; i no care. lol.
Webround: Hehehe. Indeed, it was free compost manure. Honestly, I would have told her as you suggested, but I have a feeling that I will be rewarded with a hot slap or two. My grandma can be something else.
Miz-Cynic: LOL. I no dey fear! Grandma no sabi use internet (Oh, God, I hope I'm right…). So email all you want; she won't get it. Hehehe.
30+: LOL. So now you're tryna act all brand new ehn??? You're tryna act like you don't like the picture of poop filled santana bags in your head. lol. Hehehe. My dear, everything I have done for you this monday morning, I have done out of love.
Life of a Stranger: LOL. So you're feeling like someone who knows a litle about me, huh? You're feeling like someone who can predict me abi?
Bukki: Goodness! Did you have to go and tell me that??? Chei!! You are right oh. I probably did eat food stuff from that farm. In fact, I definitely ate things from that farm.
LG: Yes o. let no1 say I never confessed. I don't want this guilt hanging over my head anymore abeg.
Aloted: Yes o! Free original manure. If anything, my grand mother shoulda paid me for the manure sef. I dunno why she was tryna find out who left the poop. What did it matter? LOL @ Nefertiti's story.
In my Head: LOL. Hehehehehe. My grandma's bathroom had light – except when NEPA took the light, of course. Look @ nyama. hehee. I'm picturing you saying that.
Saturn Moonie: LOL. Coconuts?? Hahaha. Coconut activists will fight for the rights of those coconuts. Oh, my God…I hope no1 tried to eat the coconuts. Ha!
Femi B: You think you're coming? Yay!!!! Babe, don't raise my hopes and break my heart oo! Oh, I guess I should go send you that email now. And no, I have not confessed to my grandma. This is my confession. lol
Nikki Sab: LOL. Oh yeah, the grass was so ticklish too. LOL. Hahaha. Now that I think of it, I feel like having my butt tickled too.
Shona Vixen: LOL. Help me laugh oh, my sister.
Dark ElCee: By the side of the road? LOL. My own better sef. Why one is to throw shit by the side of the road? Dat na bad thing ooo
Kafo: LOL. Amazing! And all this time, I thought I was the only one who did something this crazy. Apparenly all bloggers are crazy.
Rosie: LOL. A chicken the size of a small goat??? Odikwa very risky oo!!! You dug a hole and did your thing? LOL. Now, why didn't I think of that?! Oh yeah, well, I couldn't have exposed my butt like that. What if someone was passing thru the farm?? U know how people in the villa do the short cut thing. Hehehe. And yes, there were insects in the okpa, but that didn't stop me from eating it. By the way, you're so right… who are your parents? We might be twins…divided @ birth! lol.
SaturnMoonie: Oh, my God!! You are soooo right!! I have never, ever, ever known the name of that fruit. I just googled it, and yes, you're right. That is the fruit. Thank you, love!! I love you!!! I sooooo love you!! LOL
hahahahaha! unless your granny is currently reading this confession, you are far from free form your guilt!
You were such a naughty child!
lol!
Naughty Eyes: Are you suggesting that you and some guys get together and walk around naked? lol. Hahaha. Biko, make una invite me come. I will be there strictly for psychological assessments, to make sure everyone is okay. To make sure say you never kolomental. I took showers outside too, but fear bin dey catch me o. And yes, that’s the name of the fruit. Abi that’s wht we called it then. But it never made sense. Why will you call such a sweet fruit sour sap??
ChiefO: What on earth is that supposed 2 mean? How dare you? Anyway, I understand what you’re saying sha…about me not looking like pesin wey dey do number #2. That’s because I don’t! lol.
Buttercup: Yes oh, my mother knows me a little too well. I left that comment on your blog because I logged in from another compura.
Anonymous: Af-len-ge, huh? LOL. I cringe @ the thought of how many bags of poop are lying in Naija right now. Ouch. And I am sure that @ least one of them has hit someone on the face. Tufia kwa! lol.
Archiwiz: LOL. Abi o. Oh, gosh, I can’t imagine how much you suffered….being in an all girls’ school behind a boys’ school. Sorry sha. I no envy you @ all. lol @ the poop experiences @ that age.
Iwalewa: Why is everyone feeling bad for my grandma? How come no1 is feeling bad for me who had to poop in the bags? If grandma had a real toilet, I wouldnt have had to go thru that, you know. lol
Toluwa: My dear, it wasn’t easy not laughing out. Like I said, it took everything I had in me to not laugh out.
Solomon Sydelle: Look, stop this thing you’re doing oo! I have confessed here…publicly for that matter, so as far as I am concerned, I have confessed!!! I am now guilt free. It is my grandma’s responsibility to browse the internet and read my blog to find out my confessions. lol @ me being a naughty kid. Hehehehe. Well, I wouldn’t put it that way! LOL
Question: Isn’t poop fertilizer or manure of some sort? Maybe you did the farm a good thing na. LMAOOOO
Vera the poop thrower
Vera!!!!
You and all dis ya bodily functions sha. Is this a phase you are going through in the evolution of blogging? Or shall we expect more rivetting posts like this. Seems like a unique niche o. Lol.
Girl u are too crazy for blogsville!!! I laff every time i read ur blog!!! Damn. Anyways i’m sure ur Nan’s crops grew well cos of ur organic deposits so i guess u did a gud thing at the end of the day!!!!
Ah Vera! Bad child you were.
shee you realise she probably knows you did it because you denied it?
Nigerian Drama Queen: LOL. Thanks for the name (Vera, the poop thrower), but I prefer Madam Interviewee Vera! And yes, poop is manure, but I don’t know if it also applies to human poop (or only animal poop)
Naijalines: My love, I don’t know if it’s a phase or not, but I do know that I just had to confess!! I could not take the guilt anymore. But uhm, yeah, expost more posts like this. lol.
Pink Lips: Thank you oh, my sister. You are very, very smart. Indeed, I did my grandma a favor. Free manure, seriously! lol. Hehehe.
Favored Girl: LOL. It happened in my moment of weakness.
Geisha Song: LOL. So what are you saying?? That I should have admitted to such a horrific crime? Never!
Hilarious – you’re soooo funny. But, I’m glad you’re free now! For real!
-DTW
http://www.everydaycookin.blogspot.com
Shot put they called it back in the day…all guilty as charged
lol. Confess to granma and ur mom too o.
Anyways, s..t happens and we move on…
You aint use to the thing anyways
The fruit is sour sop
i would probably have done the same than use that toilet oh!!!
Ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa……..
Bags of poop in her farm. Vera, but whyyyyy? Anyways, I’m glad you’ve got that off your chest now. Muhahaaaaa!!!
sweets…….
you for just carry am
drop for pit
erm
does Grandma read ur blog?
if not
you have not confessed fully!!!!!!!!
Biko, what is wrong with blogger today? I am looking for the site of a blogger called ‘PINK LIPS’. She apparently has 2 blogs – ‘This why I write’ (which belongs to Bumight) and ‘Verstically Living’ (which belongs to Aunty Verstic).
Na which kain G-shock nonsense be dis?
oooh, I was 50th! I’m claiming my spot! lol!
Darius: LOL. I'm glad I'm free too!!! I've carried the burden of this guilt for soooo long.
Aba Boy: Yes, I'm guilty. I accpept, and that's why I have confessed publicly.
Standtall: Yes oh my dear, shit really happen. lol. I did the best I could do, but I could not handle it anymore.
Omuluzua: It's so weird that they call such a sweet fruit sour sap. Why??? It doesn't make any kinda sense. Oh, well.
Hide & Seek: Thank you oh, my sister!!! Na you be correct pesin!
Jaycee: But it wasn't my fault now ehn? I just couldn't do the poop thing j. Besides, I didn't even know it was her farm. lol.
Ibiluv: Ah, my grandma doesn't read my blog oh, and me I am not responsible for making her read my blog. She should always be on the internet anyway.
Solomon Sydelle: Welcome oh, madam 50th. 50 no be an easy spot to catch oh. Pink Lip's profile says my blog and Bumight's belong to her??? LOL. That is crazy mehn.
hahhaha. are you sure we dont have the same granny(ok mine never had a turkey) but i sure did the shut put thing when i had to stay with my granny. i just didnt want to go in the pit ‘latrine’ as she called it.
Femme: Thank you jo, my sister. That pit thing wasn’t just cutting it. I mean, seriously! Besides, what if I had slipped and fallen in2 the pit? Ewwwww!
LoL, I did this sorta thing way back in secondary school. Those boarding house days where the toilets were filthy & the flies were huge & green.
Na wa o! you re so funny. i kindda love your confession. i can’t help laughing. keep it up pal!
Anyaposh: LOL @ the flies being huge & green. Sadly, I do remember. Mehn..those flies were evil! Their buzzing sounds alone were enough to throw you off. Seeing them was a nightmare. lol.
Olabintan: Thank you…! Keep laughing oh; that was my intention. Funny things happen in this journey called life. It's only fair to recount them.
I think the fruit u r talking about is Soursop