If Moses Was American In 2015

Remember I told you that Igwe and I have been reading the bible and I have so much to blog about. We’re currently on the book of Numbers, and this book is true to its name. So many numbers. Anyway, I want to talk about Moses today. As you may know, at some point in Moses’s life, he killed an Egyptian and Pharoah wanted him dead, so he flew to another country (don’t remember the name now). Anyway, while in this other country, God appeared to him in the form of a burning bush and told him to go back to Egypt and tell Pharoah to let His people go. So this is how I imagined it:

The year is 2015 and Moses is hiding in Canada. He fled Washington D.C, America some years ago after killing an American. Since fleeing the States and hiding in Canada, his name has been at the top of the Most Wanted List in America, although the person who was President at the time Moses killed an American is now dead, and there’s now a new President. Oh, and did I mention that Moses is a Nigerian illegal resident?

Now Moses is at work. He’s a construction worker, so he’s outside doing his job when God appears to him as a burning bush and tells him to go back to America, back to the White House, and go tell President Barack Obama to let the people in Guantanamo Bay go. So they [God and Moses] have the following conversation:

Moses: God, I don’t understand.

God: What don’t you understand? I want you to go to the White House and go tell Barack Obama to let my people go.

Moses: Which Barack?

God: How many Baracks do you know?

Moses: Just one. That’s why I don’t understand why You’ll want me to go there. Are You aware that I am a wanted man in America?

God: Are you aware that I am God? I know EVERYTHING.

Moses: But Baba God, check this thing na. You want me to go back to America to tell a whole sitting President that You said he should let the prisoners go? What kind of madness will they say I have been struck with? Who will I say sent me?

God: Tell them that the I Am that I Am sent you.

Moses: I am what?

God: The I Am that I Am

Moses: *scratches head* But they have my information. My finger prints. My DNA. My pictures. The moment I enter America, they will catch me and cage me somewhere. I’ll never, ever get to the President. And You know that I stammer. I won’t even be able to get out one sentence before they shackle me.

God: Trust me and go. If it makes you feel better, you can take your brother, Aaron.

Moses: No, it doesn’t really make me feel better. I still think You should pick someone else. When we get to the airport, they won’t catch Aaron because he’s not a wanted man. But I’m still a wanted man. They will kill me!

At the end of this, Moses decides to trust God and travel to America. At the airport, once his passport is scanned, they catch him, handcuff and shackle him, and extradite him to America. In America, he tells them that he’s here on a mission from God to tell Barack Obama to release some prisoners. For saying that he was sent from God, Moses is immediately certified and locked up in a psych ward where he’s forcefully given electroshock therapy and then put in a straight jacket.

Just as he concludes his first electroshock therapy, in walks Johnny Cochran [in my imagination, he’s still alive]. He proves that although Moses killed the American, he really didn’t kill the American. Johnny Cochran says afterward that he didn’t know what came over him to come represent Moses. God tells Moses that it was Him who sent Johnny to come release him. Meanwhile, Aaron has become a Buddhist.

That’s as far as my imagination has taken me. Too far?

P.S. I am not directly or indirectly advocating for the prisoners in Guantanamo Bay to be released. It was just the most controversial thing I could think of for this post.