If Balaam Was Nigerian (And His Donkey Talked)

Igwe and I are still reading the bible and trying to know God better. Currently, we’re in the first book of Samuel. We have not gone as far as we should have because for a couple of weeks, we slacked. I cannot speak for Igwe, but for me, I wish I was a better child of God. I’m disappointed in how many times I dishonor Him in a day. But for now, let’s focus on the humor I find in the bible. I especially love comparing some of these stories to the characters being Nigerian. Today, we’re looking at Balaam.

Reading taken from Numbers: 22: 21 – 31

This happened during the time that Israel was claiming territories and defeating people left and right. Balak was the Moabite king who had heard about God being with Israel, so naturally, the Moabites, his people were afraid. If na you nko? So Balak summoned Balaam to come and help him curse the Israelites, so they can fail.

Fast forward to when Balaam was on his way to Moab. He was riding on his donkey, jejely going to meet the king. But God was angry that Balaam was even entertaining this nonsense, so the angel of the Lord appeared before him and blocked the way. Balaam did not see the angel of the Lord, but his donkey did. The donkey tried to get out of the way, but each time it did, the angel of the Lord blocked him again, until finally, the donkey just sat on the floor. But this time, Balaam had beated the donkey three times. He thought his donkey was just being insubordinate.

How it happened in the bible: After the third beating, the donkey asked, “What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?” And Balaam responded, “You have made a fool of me! If I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now.” The donkey said again, “Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?” And Balaam responded, “No.” That was when the Lord opened Balaam’s eyes to see the angel.

How it would have happened it Balaam was Nigerian:

Donkey: Wetin I do you make you come dey nack me three times?

Balaam: [Looking around suspiciously] Pesin talk now, now? Turning to one of his travel partners* Abi Dayo, you talk something now, now?

Dayo: No oh, I no talk anything.

Balaam: [Still looking around, wondering if he imagined it] Ah ah

Donkey: Oga, na me talk am

Balaam: [Staring at the donkey with trepidation, not wanting to believe that the monkey just spoke] Na you talk wetin?

Donkey: Na me ask the question na. Na today you begin climb for my back? Since the day wey you begin enter my back, e get any day wey I don fall your hand like this?

Balaam: [Gently comes down from the donkey and then looks it straight in the eyes] Bingo, you say na you talk?

Donkey: Ehn, na me.

It is at this point that Balaam will bend down very slowly and very gently, take his shoes off, hold them both under his armpit, then he will take off running till the sole of his feet and hitting the back of his ears. In other words, 150 miles per hour. As soon as he gets home, he will go bang on Mama Nkechi’s door.

Balaam: Mama Nkechi, open this door oh! I know say na you wey do am! [The neighbors would tell him that Mama Nkechi is actually at the market] Ehen, I talk am. How she for dey house when na she come change into Bingo for road? Mama Nkechi, I no care where you dey today, you must come back to this house! You go tell me today wetin I do you. Dem don dey tell me since say na you dey do me, but I no wan gree. Today, today, I know say na you. Even the kin eye wey Bingo use look me today, I know say na you. Na the way you dey look me everyday for this yard. But today na today. All this nonsense go end today!

So Balaam will stand at Mama Nkechi’s door till she comes back, and then the argument will continue. Meanwhile, Israel gets stronger and defeats the Moabites.

P.S. I don’t know why the Nigerian conversation happened in Pidgin.

P.P.S. Seriously, why didn’t Balaam take off running when the donkey spoke? At the very least, I would have fainted.

P.P.P.S. Read my other Bible Humor stories here.