I have done a lot of crazy things for love. Okay, fine, maybe not a lot, and come to think of it… what love? But this time, I am about to do something crazy for love. It really is crazy, and it really is love. A while back — a really long while back — I heard on the radio that if you have a partner [boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, fiancee, husband, wife, whatever else there is out there these days] and he/she has never farted in front of you, it means that he/she has a lot to hide from you and cannot be trusted.
I am not one who wants to walk around farting. There is no honor in that! L In front of Funmie, Busola, etc, sure – in fact, it would be my pleasure J – but just anyone — especially a man? Hmm. If memory serves me right, there are only two men I have deliberately farted in front of: my cousin (who is like a brother to me) and my father (and that was when I was a baby and could not countrol myself anyway). Fine, I admit I have farted in front of a few male babies. Sue me.
The radio personality also said that your partner should be able to do number two (doodoo/poop) in front of you. See, I have a big problem with this. I do not even like number-twoing in other people’s homes – males or females. I prefer doing it in the comfort of my home where I can scream, shout, and sing while I’m doing it. Besides, ever since Funmi’s doodoo clogged the toilet and someone else had to come fix it, I’ve been a bit on the paranoid side. Every slice of shit deserves a flush, peeps. Remember that the next time you decide to offload your excess luggage.
But for the love of Mr. Shoes, I will break my rules. Oh, yes, I will. I will go above and beyond to doodoo and fart in front of him – for him, of course. As you all may know or not know, I am extremely lactose intolerant. That said, I will consume as many dairy products as I can before I pay him a visit. And I’ll mix it up with a very peppery bowl of peppersoup. That should take care of both natural occurences. (By the way, Natural Occurance is Mr. Shoes’ word for the natural occurence of farting & doodoing).
After that, I will HAMMER. By the time I’m through with him, he will be sure that he knows me. Sure, he may be a little bloated, but the end will justify the means, no? Oh, the things I do for love!!! Let no one ever say I never showed Mr. Shoes any love.
did i get here first?
i surely did… yayy me!….. BTW, wish u d best of luck in ur love endeavour….. better u wear a skirt so the gases have easy passage
Be sure to wear tight jeans incase your attempt to do number one suddenly upgrades to number two. That way any spillage or droplets will not fall thru ur skirts….lol. Guys enjoy doing that especially as a sign of love.
This gal of mine in college thot it was disrespect and being from Warri, she calls it "see finish". Whatever that means.
Kc
so has he also agreed to do the same in front of you?
AWWWWWWWWWW
This is the single most cutest love letter I have ever read. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Lucky Mr. Shoe!!!!
LOL.. I like your sarcasm Vera. You have a great sense of humor and I love that!
Hmmm. Alright crazy things we do for love.
How good/bad can the number one and number two be?
I'll wait to read the outcome. I pray you get a positive result with this.
LMAO!! for a while I actually thot u were talkin bout shoes!!
but oh boooiii, this is some serious loveage oh! gud luck!
Funmi don suffa o… chei Vera, see as you open her yansh yet again on here.
I support you, fart in front of Mr. Shoes, Do #2 with the door open, in fact force him to enter the bathroom with you, so you can gist as you defecate. That's real love. Mr. Shoes thank me later 😉
Haha @ I go hammer.
Lol loved this blog post.
Really really entertaining lol. But umm i definitely do not think that just because u refuse to fart around homeboy, dat means u got stuff to hide. I mean some of us have home training u feel me?
Kpakpando where art thou home training?
Hehehe! Since Chari and I are in an ldr, does it count that I chat to him WHILE doing number 2?
I really don't think it means u have stuff to hide but it just shows ur level of closeness as well as the extent to which u have let down ur guard with each other, me and me boo gist wyl doing number 2 sef. i jus sit on the floor while he does it an we gist…with lots of airfreshner of course…hehehehe..
Apparently u didn't get Afronuts last memo on 52 bad places to fart…….
lol @ bcups comment!
well i hate it when pple fart in front of me, nd only God kns why he gave me frends that ebjoy doing that but oh well!
my boo, has a thing for #2, he doesnt want to hear it, see it, smell it, or even be touched after it!
lmao!
he is just a wierd kid!!!
goodluck as u go to explode in mr shoes' house!
so i thot u meeant shoes, like shoes, yeye girl like u.
No. 2 in his house na issue o, dat one na see finish! i do it bcos if i dont got to the bathroom, poop will be on the seat!
but i think its good tho, guess it creates more room for ……… intimacy
LWKMD!!!
Hilarious
Number one oh, number two oh…. Nawaa
i knw say my parents can share the washroom, one do dey barf, the other dey HAMMER!
LOL
L- is for the way u look at me *digustedly*
O- is for the only way i fart
V- is for the very extra Number 2
E- is even more of my expression of
LOVE….
i have laffed but mehn, has Mr shoes done any of these actions in front of u?
LMAO..OMD..good luck and be sure to come back and tell us what Mr shoes thought of this "act of love"..lmao.
pure hilarity!
lol…im sorry…i laughed..but i couldnt do this.goodluck.lol
u a mess!!!…lol
You are crazyeeeeeeeee!
LWKM..Careful! Don't drive Mr.Shoes away with it! I have a friend that's lactose intolerant and anytime she drinks milk, my nose goes through hell!
carry go! Mr.Shoe may retaliate in love too……….
Bewaji: Congrats on being first. E no easy @ all. LOL @ wearing the skirt. Thanks for the advise. Mr. Shoes will thank you for that.
KC (Anonymous): Hahaha. Ehm, Bewaji just told me to wear a skirt, and now, you say I should wear tight jeans. What's a girl to do?? LOL @ 'See Finish.' So guys like doing that as a sign of love, ehn? Well, I don't really care for him to prove his love like that ooo. That's really not necessary.
Webround: He has not agreed because he has no knowledge of my impending plan. That said, I would appreciate it if he does not return the favor.
Temite: This is why I love you. You're a very smart girl. Indeed, this is love. Love, love, love. Who else would do something so thoughtful for any other reason?
Nice Anon: LOL. You're laughing abi? Who said I'm trying to be funny? This is what I intend to do. Just wait & see.
Jesus Freak: Of course, I'll get a positive result. Why not, if not? This is by far the most romantic thing I've ever thought of.
~B~ Yes ooo. I can most definitely say that this is some serious loveage. Imagine the likeness. He better thank me for this.
Kpakpando: Hahahaha. Y does it sound like this is payback to Mr. Shoes for supporting Ray on the show the other day? LOL. Nevertheless, I will definitely take your idea, and he better thank you later. Ibu nwanyi oma 🙂
Controversy: Mba oh. This one pass home training. I musto bare my all to Mr. Shoes. Okay, that does not even sound right. LOL.
Buttercup: Since you're in a ldr with Chari, chatting with him while you're number-twoing is the most you can do right now, but as soon as you see each other, you have to take it to the next level. But come oh, whoever said you can't use a webcam while chatting and number-twoing? 🙂
very hilarious,actually thot of real shoes at first..
but eh, poor Mr Shoes, hiin no know say dem don plan am finish..
Mimidoo: LOL! Hahahaha. I'm tryna picture you and it's very funny to me. Yes, I, the advocate of doodooing in front of your partner, find it funny that you gist – air freshener included – while he's handling his biz. But like you rightly said sha, it really does show the intimacy. Cute.
Bagucci: No, actually, I didn't get that memo – not that it woulda made a difference anyhow. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Nah mean? Hehe.
Gee: It's weird that I write so much about number two, yet I can totally understand where your boo is coming from. My mom has a tendency to talk and talk and talk about number two. She always wants to describe hers to me in details. Like seriously??? But your boo sha…! Know what will be fun? Do number two and then touch him without washing your hands. Hehehe. Report the result to us, please.
Tigeress: No dey laugh oh… that is how to do these things! When I have children, I will tell them to do the same too.
Chayoma: When couples share the bathroom like that, I don't know if I should be appalled or elated. That said, I'll still go ahead and perform all natural occurrences in front of Mr. Shoes. And I don't like this your definition of love oo. LOL.
Yinkuslolo: No, Mr. Shoes has not done any of these actions of front of me, and I most certainly do not need him to. It so happens that I trust him and do not need him to prove anything 🙂
Tay-Mee: I'll definitely be back to tell you what he thinks. But something tells me he will love it!
Solomon Sydelle: It's all for love…all for love!!!
Leggy: Never say never oh (Okay, I know you didn't use the exact words, 'never'), but give it a try. A trial will convince you.
Maxine: Am I, really? I'm giving you tips to make your relationship more intimate and you dare to call me a mess?? Girl, come over here! LOL. Babe, you better go try this at home.
Temmy Tayo: Does that mean you won't be trying it then?? Your husband will not forgive you if he finds out you received such a lovely advise and did not heed it.
Ms. Dufa: Mr. Shoes will love it, trust me. He loves this typa stuff oo… lol! (Hehe… this sounds questionable). Your friend blesses you every time she farts in front of you; don't you know?
Stand Tall: Mba oh. I don't support that your idea of Mr. Shoes retaliating in love. Why would he wanna do that? That is sooo not necessary.
His Treasure: Hahaha. Wetin you mean sef?? Who told you dem don plan am finish? And who are these mysterious dem you're referring to?
hahahaha I'm dying! Scream, sing and shout.. only you and emmmm
poop101:::"Every slice of shit deserves a flush, peeps. Remember that the next time you decide to offload your excess luggage."
looool..only u….and mixing that with peppersoup that's a lot for one day o!!
lol
x!
ROTFL…Vera, ride on…
I have one word for you Vera. GROSS! LOL…
Wow, you really are in love! Lucky Mr. Shoes lol 😉
see what love can cause……
personally pooping,farting in front of a guy aiint bad(soon as u get confortable enuff with each other)
there is afterall no farting room
a bathroom we have
a fart room we dont……wink
LWKMD i no even know wetin to talk again….
I remember almost fainting when my hussie strolled into the bathroom to number-two while i was taking a shower LOL
It does enhance the level of **ahem** intimacy i must admit though!!!
I have two words –
hehehehe! and
Eewwww!!
I can't laugh!
Vera, you have arrived. When you fart and he laughs and thinks its cute, he's the one. If you poop in front of him and he keeps shaving and making conversation, have ten babies with him.
U're a huge mess, Vera. Pun intended.
What if u blow for the guy, and he can't handle ur PDA. Ur yansh go just open for this MD. Me, I won't even do as if I know u o! Vera who?! LOL.
Bob IJ: It's a combination that works, trust me. And this is all for the love of Mr. Shoes. Chei… love nwa nti nti. Hehe.
Rita: Thank you, nne. I knew you'd support me.
Myne Whitman: Nah uh!! You just don't know what true love is oh!! Believe me, this is L-O-V-E.
Good Naija Girl: LOL! Hahahaha. I know, right? Lucky Mr. Shoes indeed! That's exactly what I've been telling myself too! Thank goodness you know how lucky he is too.
Ibiluv: I wonder why no one came up with a farting room. Maybe we'd call it a gas exchange chamber. Oooh!! I just thought of something to blog about. 🙂 Hehehe.
FluffyCuteThing: LOL!!! Now, tell me… didn't you feel better after that?? Or at least, I'm sure he felt better – like she's smelt my poop. What more could possibly go wrong @ this point? LOL.
Enkay: What is wrong with all of you and your Eww sef?? This is true love ooo!! Make una just stop this your Eww right this minute. Mr. Shoes will love this.
Rosie: Thanks, love!! Now, are you speaking from experience? And what if I want eleven babies sef instead of ten??? Actually, make that twelve. I don't want an odd number.
Nefertiti: LOL @ the pun. Whose yansh go open for MD? Abeg go siddon somewhere make I hear something. Lemme tell you, this my proof of love is the bestest proof of love ever, and he will most definitely be able to handle it. In short, he'll ask 4 more.
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Bia, Skechers UK…. kpachalu anya gi ooo! You see the omalucha post I put here for my sweerie and you're talking about ordering things online. Go and thank your Chi that I am in a good mood today, so I won't delete your comment.
…. To everyone else who might come across this, no I am not crazy. Just felt like replying. Hehe.
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