That Time This Lady Asked If I Was Having Fertility Issues

This isn’t something that happened a long time ago oh. In fact, it was quite recent. So, I was at a home-event of a friend where there were lots of friends and acquaintances, and that was when this lady decided we should have this conversation in the kitchen (I am not aware that anyone else heard our conversation).

But first, let me tell you about this lady. She’s someone I’ve known for years. When I say that I have known her, I don’t mean that we are friends, or that we are close, but we know each other. I know her and I know her husband, and I know her first-born son. I know she has at least one more child, but I don’t know that child or any other child apart from that first one. We do not have each other’s numbers, nor do we know each other’s homes. I have been to her house once, but that was about 7 years ago, and I don’t even know if she still lives there. I know the nickname of her first name, but not her first full name. She knows I’m married, and she knows Igwe by face. I don’t know if she knows his name, but even if she does, I doubt if she knows much else. I like this lady, by the way. She’s nice, but she definitely overstepped her boundaries with this conversation.

So there I was in the kitchen when this lady – let’s call her Titi for the purpose of this conversation, and yes, she’s Yoruba. Oh, I’d say she’s in her early 40s. While in the kitchen, Titi decided to question me about my womb and when it will be producing a child – because you know once you’re married, that is automatically the next move, and since I have been married for over three years, I was probably making her uncomfortable. She asked me when I’ll be having children, and I responded, “Some day.” Fun fact: I was already five months pregnant during this conversation, but I wasn’t showing.

She proceeded to take the conversation further. She encouraged me to have children sooner than later because it was not the best thing for me to wait till I get much older —  you know, the whole biological clock thing. See, I know that the biological clock exists, and I know that this is a thing, and we cannot blame anyone for it, except God. But I did not want to discuss my biological clock with her.

But wait, she was not done yet. She continued by asking me if I was at least trying. I did not think that there was any right way to answer that question. Honestly, I mostly smiled throughout this conversation. She then asked if I was trying and having problems. I must have had a perplexed look on my face, so she added, “No, I’m only asking because I love you, and I care about you.”

Oh! Well, that explains everything then.

She spoke some more and told me to confide in her if I or my husband was having issues because she really just loved me and was worried about me. Hian! I could have shut this conversation down by telling her that I was already pregnant, but I did not think that I owed her that. Or I could have simply told her off, but I didn’t. Like I said, I like this particular woman, and for some really strange and unknown reason, I was in an exceptionally good mood. I have no idea how I got through that conversation without saying something vile to her.

I don’t consider myself a mean person. In fact, I consider myself a nice person – although my friends may beg to differ – but the Vera I know would usually have a verbal strike back. I don’t know if it was the good mood I was in that kept me quiet or the sheer shock that this woman was actually standing in front of me and asking me to tell her if I and/or my husband was having fertility issues.

Sometimes, people ask these questions not out of cruelty, but out of ignorance and insensitivity. I have never had fertility issues, but I do know friends and family who have, and I cannot imagine the sting of this question to them. I would never, ever, EVER ask a woman why she has not had a child or worse, if she’s having issues. This is so personal and so intrusive, so I don’t know why anyone – especially a woman, and most especially a mom – would think that it’s okay to ask such a question.

I know that my people – Nigerians and Africans in general – sometimes just don’t know when to quit. I know we have that community-type relationship where everyone is in everyone’s business, but we can only use this as an excuse for so long. It is not okay to say or ask things that may personally tear people down or disrupt their lives. You just never know what someone is dealing with; every single person has their own struggle.