My Weekend Recount: Uju’s Drunken Birthday

First of all, I owe you an apology for being so quiet last week. I was exhausted. Not tired, but exhausted. One thing is clear, I am way too old for this. Let me tell you about my weekend. Oh, and if it isn’t clear, this weekend recount isn’t from the weekend that just finished, but from the other weekend (April 17th to April 19th). Uju came in from Texas on Wednesday, so my weekend technically started on Thursday.

Thursday: Uju came over to my house with Ibukun. We hung out for hours until Igwe came back from work, and we hung out some more.

Friday: Uju’s birthday was on Saturday [April 18th], so she wanted to go clubbing the night before. I have never been a club-going person. In fact, I can count on one hand how many times I have gone clubbing, and most – if not all – of those times have been because of Uju. We wanted to experience Nigerian music, so although everyone said that Oxygen – a Nigerian owned club – sucks, we decided to give them a try anyway.

Ibukun called a day before to reserve a table or whatever it is people reserve at the club, and the person who picked up gave her a different number to call. She never did call that number, but on Friday night, we still drove down there. I didn’t know what to wear or what to expect, and a club was the last place I wanted to be, but it was Uju’s birthday, and she flew all the way from Texas.

Uju and Funmie came to my house and went along with us (Igwe drove). By the way, Igwe ended up being the only guy, but he didn’t mind. We got to Oxygen and found street parking right across the club. I may not be a regular at the club, but I knew enough to know that finding parking so easily in front of a club … on a Friday night was probably an abnormality. There was no one standing in front, like a bouncer, and the lights weren’t even on. So Igwe stepped out of the car and went to check. Lo and behold, they were closed. On a freaking Friday night! Aren’t Fridays a main day in the clubbing business?

So I called their number (the one listed on Google 443-615-5957) and a guy picked up. He said they were closed. I asked why, and he said because they had an event that ended early. Well, uhm, if the event ended early, shouldn’t that be more reason to be open at 11:36 PM, especially on a Friday? I don’t know what the hell was going on and why they were closed, but as you can imagine, I am not in a hurry to go back there. Sadly, a lot of our [Nigerian] businesses tend to start well and have a problem with continuity. There’d be so much hype around the “launch” and then all of a sudden, everything dies.

Biko, I don’t know the people who own Oxygen, but there is no shame in business failing. It happens all the time. If business has become so slow that it isn’t even worth it to open on a Friday night, then close your shop and pay the fee to be let out of the leasing contract. Or start renting your space as an event hall or something. This one that you’re closed at 11:36 PM on a Friday night, odiro good at all.

We had to take ourselves and our money some place else. And that’s how the American clubs got our money that night. We ended up going to two other clubs, I don’t even know their names. Ibukun met up with us at the first one. Soon as we got in there, Funmie started buying shots for herself and Uju. I think Funmie was feeling like a bad bitch or something. I didn’t have a lick of alcohol because just in came, someone needed to be sober. I expected that Uju may get drunk  because after all, it was her birthday, and I figured Funmie might get tipsy, but what I did not anticipate was for Funmie AND Uju to both be a drunken mess. I recorded so much of it on video, but I am too ashamed to open my friends’ yanshes on the world wide web – although I’d love to.

I cannot begin to tell you the conversation that Uju and Funmie were having in the car. Have you ever listened to two drunk people talking? And were you sober while listening? Torture. For example, Uju said her baby brother couldn’t make it to the club because of the racism in Virginia, and Funmie wanted to know if I’d give her one of my livers if she becomes diabetic from her alcohol consumption. Yes, drunk Funmie doesn’t know we only have one liver and apparently, drunk Uju is British because her accent changed and she used the words “innit” and “mate” way too many times. And at some point while we were driving home, Uju wanted to come open the door to the moving vehicle and take off running. Apparently, she felt a sudden need to jog.

Back at my house, Uju and Funmie started throwing up. Uju’s was better because most of it went into a bowl and it was all liquid. Funmie was in the bathroom throwing up efo on my bathroom carpets! It was in the toilet, beside the toilet, on the floor, on her body. Green efo leaves! No need to ask what she ate before coming to the club. There is so much more, but I am way too tired to detail it all. Just know that moving forward, the gathering will not be gathering at my house after drinking. I did not go to bed till about 5:30 AM because I was cleaning puke.

Saturday: We went to hang out one last time with Uju in Frederick. Funmie didn’t go because she was still having a hang over. Uju made the bomb abacha, so all her sins were forgiven.

Sunday: We went to D.C. to witness the proposal of two of our friends. Ayo proposed to his best friend, Michelle. It was beautiful, and we’re looking forward to the wedding. Woo hoo! By the time we came home, we were so flippin’ tired. Then it was Monday, and the madness started all over again.

We took a number of pictures, but in all the pictures, you can tell who is sober and who is very, very drunk, so I can’t put them up. Although once again, I would really, really love to. Oh, I forgot to mention that while we were on our way back to the club, Uju and Funmie professed undying love for Igwe and thanked him for taking care of their friend. And Uju said she loved me and that we are her best friends. If nothing else, I appreciate how honest being drunk made my friends. They can never deny their love now. I know the truth!

How was your weekend?

P.S. Although Oxygen only has 3 Google reviews, it would have saved our time to read the reviews.