The Case Of The Missing Vaseline

First of all, if you’re not Nigerian (or not African), then let me explain that yes, I know that what I am blogging about is called petroleum jelly and Vaseline is actually the brand, but as a Nigerian, I [we] call it Vaseline. Ehen, so I know I have mentioned somewhere on this blog about my obsession with glossing my lips (which is why I wake up in the morning with shiny lips). Whether it’s lip balm, or lip gloss, or just good ol’ “Vaseline,” what matters is that my lips aren’t chapped. In my purse, I have lip balms and glosses. But around the house, I have two little jars of Vaseline. Well, I had two little jars of Vaseline. One in the living room, and one in the bedroom. Both for the same reason: my lips.

Then one day, the Vaseline in the living room disappeared. I searched up and down the place. Nothing. I accused Igwe of misplacing it since he uses it, too. Side note: Igwe and I spend so much time together that we are morphing into each other. More of him morphing into me. So now, he, too, uses the Vaseline for his lips. As I was saying, I accused him of losing it. I looked all over the place and did not find it. I even used a torchlight to look under the couch and in between the couch seats. Nothing.

I started asking myself questions the way a Nigerian parent would ask about a missing item: “Abi, did the Vaseline grow legs and leave this house? Mba nu.” And we live in a small apartment, so there aren’t many places that the Vaseline can run to. Even if we overused it in the living room and it decided to elope, where would it go to? So I had to start carrying around the Vaseline in the living room to the bedroom. Very annoying. Cause sometimes I get in bed and remember that I forgot the Vaseline in the living room, so I have to go back up and go to the living room to get it — which defeated the purpose of having two jars of Vaseline. I prayed to God to please reveal the location and situation of the Vaseline.

This Vaseline went missing over a month ago. Specifically on September 26th 2014. How do I know? Well, firstly, the Vaseline missing drove me nuts! I had random days where I’d start looking for it all over the house again. I would have been okay if I just knew where it was (even if it didn’t come back to me). For example, if Igwe had said that he mistakenly trashed it, it would have given me closure. But not knowing where it was or why it was missing? Not cool. The relationship between a girl and her Vaseline needs closure.

Then I remembered that Solachi visited me on September 26th, the day we went for our girls’ night out (see post and pictures here), and I remembered that I definitely used it while Solachi was here. So I thought to myself, Solachi is a mother of two young children and she probably uses Vaseline on them quite often. Perhaps, she unconsciously picked my Vaseline and put it in her bag.

So, Solachi finally came to my house the other day and I brought out my bedroom Vaseline and said to her,

Me: Solachi, I’ve been meaning to ask you something that’s been bothering me: did you by any chance find a Vaseline just like this one in your bag?

Solachi: Yeah. Is it yours?

Oh. My. God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All this time, it was in her bag! She said she saw it and didn’t know where it came from. She thought maybe it was from her mom-in-law’s house because she babysits the kids sometimes. All this time, I was losing sleep and not eating or drinking because my Vaseline was gone and it was in Solachi’s bag the entire time. Well, I feel much better now that I know. I’m gonna go buy another Vaseline.

Can you imagine, this is how Vaseline can cause fight in the house. In addition to money, sex, and infidelity being causes of marriage, Vaseline should also be included as a fourth reason. I accused Igwe confidently because I was sure that between the two of us, he was the one more likely to lose stuff. I’m still right about him losing stuff, but he clearly did not lose the Vaseline.

The moral of this story: be mindful of mothers with small children. They steal Vaseline (and probably rub it on their baby’s diaper butt). And they can cause a fight in other people’s home.