Image via Amazon
No, seriously, this is a serious question. I’m very weird with my poop: I don’t like leaving it in other people’s houses. The only place I feel truly comfortable pooping is in my house. Beside the fact that I don’t like using public restrooms, there’s also the issue of poop being stinky — although, of course, my poop doesn’t stink *straight face*
I refuse to poop at work. I can’t. I won’t. I actually try to poop at night or in the morning because I don’t want to do it at work. There is this kind of poop you poop at work that will just make people lose respect for you. There’s a lady at my job who keeps pooping at work, and I don’t understand it.
She goes in there and runs the tap while doing the do, like no one will figure out that the perpetual running water is to mute the sound effects of the poop falling into the toilet bowl. Oyibo people are interesting. They run water to mute the sound of their poop (or pee), and I laugh at the irony that in Nigeria, some people don’t even have water to drink, not to talk of flushing their poop, or worse, muting the sound of their poop. But I digress.
So this woman goes in there and commits an abomination. Then she walks out and smiles like ain’t nothing happening. Meanwhile, the building is about to crash and the smell is leaving people on the brink of the after life. The thing is not funny at all. Biko, everyone should respect themselves and be considerate of their neighbors oh! How can you come to work to make money and go home with dysentery? Odiro mma now! (It is not good).
I remember when Igwe and I started dating. I never, ever pooped in his house. I would literally force myself to poop before going to his house. And if the calling should dare to come while I’m on my way to his house, I would stop at a McDonald’s to poop. Yup. I’ll step right in there and go straight to the bathroom, and I’ll leave without buying nothing. Not a damn thing. Sorry McDonald’s. You must be thinking, what if the poop comes while you’re there already? Well, it’s simple: I leave! No, seriously, I leave. Igwe never used to know why I was leaving abruptly, but Funmie always knew. I’d call her and tell her that I left because I had to poop. Then we’d laugh our heads off about it and she’d tell me that I’m crazy.
Back to pooping at work, please respect your job position. When people start knowing what your poop smells like, they’ll start looking at you differently, trying to figure out what on earth you ate. And how will you explain okporoko and that stinky thing we put in our soup? The name eludes me right now.
Speaking of pooping at work, I was on the phone with Solachi once when she suddenly became quiet. I said hello several times and she didn’t respond. Next thing, she sent me a text to say that she was in the bathroom pooping and a coworker just came in so she didn’t want to talk because she did not want her coworker to recognize her voice and know that she was the one stinking up the place. Look, I cannot even judge her. My mom always texts me when she’s pooping at some place public, and she makes sure to tell me how much it stinks. Thanks, mom. I need to reevaluate the people in my life.
So, do you poop at work?
Lol!! I can poop at work o, I no send. And that stinky thing we put in our soup would be ‘ogiri’.
Estee, yes exactly, it’s ogiri. Me, I send ooo! I cannot have my poop diminishing my fabulousness. Lol.
LOL…I’ve pooped i think twice at work…but luckily the toilet is distance from the working area… LOL. The smell of my shit can cause world war 4!
Hahaha. I have the same kind of poop! My entire family has the same type of poop. Our poop can do a lot of damage, so that is part of why I just respect myself and deposit it in my house. Now, what if you’re the only one in the bathroom pooping, and as soon as you walk out, someone else is walking in. Then they’ll know that you were the one who damaged their organs that day. Lol..
hehhehehehehehee yea i do poop at work because the toilets are super clean and it always smells fresh and only on days i can’t hold it.
Theisokogirl, my dear, no amount of freshness will make me want to poop at work. I don’t want my coworkers knowing how my poop smells. That is an invasion of privacy. Lol.
If i cant hold it i just have to do it. What if you get one of those ones you cant hold what do you do then? I remember clogging my office toilet with lots of tissue one day i had a bad one. Thank God no one saw me.
Kiky, there’s a McDonalds close by. If it’s too much for me to hold it, I’ll just say I’m going to get lunch from McDonald’s and I’ll go there to do the do. No one knows me there, so even if I poop and it stinks up the whole building (and they know it’s me), I don’t care. But it’s different at work. They know me.
Hahaha, Vera, only you can make stinky funny. Anyhoo, I poop at work but thank goodness my current employer had the sense to move the toilets towards the rear of our offices. But I have two short stinky stories:
1. My husband and I lived together for a while before we got married in a self-contained apartment, yes with one toilet. During that time, I always made sure to do ‘2’ only when he is out of the house. It was when we got married that he also confessed that he used to do same. Hehe. And now that we have enough rooms, each of just makes sure to take a bottle of perfume in there. lolll.
2. My former office building was a duplex turned office complex. This means that each department (small office) had an open office and an ensuite toilet. Solution to doing number 2: take your bottle perfume in there with you and spray towards the door and make sure you flush down the “stuff’ intermittently. No, do not wait until you finish, flush intermittently.
Autoprincess … chei. This your second story get as e be oh. That’d be such a small space and everyone will know. And I am totally for flushing intermittently. I believe that every single poop deserves its own flush. Lol. I always remember when Funmie pooped and clogged the toilet and her dad had to unclog it. SMH.
FLUSH Intermittently??? that’s super great.
BTW, I can’t poop in my bf’s. I love the strategy of mcDonald poop. I once entered Mr Bigs in Terminus (for those that know Jos) just to poop and guess what happened????? the water system chose that period to stop functioning. I had to wait like 30mins before leaving the white house…
Lol I do poop at work & I no send at all. If I can’t hold it, I have to go. Its that simple. Funny thing is some oyibo people their poop smell pass okporoko & ogiri sef.
true true true…….slow poison i tell ya….so I no too send when i de release my own like this morning…lol
Ola, I don’t disagree with you at all. The woman that always poops at my job is white, and walahi, I don’t know what is going on inside her tummy. Something might have died there and no one knows it.
Loool, this made me laugh real hard Vera. I poop at work because my poop doesn’t smell so bad and the toilets are very clean. Every time I use the office toilet, I make sure I put my phones on silent so no one knows I am the one using the toilet just incase my poop smells. Lol
Atoskin …. Looooooooooooooooooooooool!!! See your life! You want to do anonymous abi? Hahaha. This just had me laughing so hard. Undercover pooping. Lol!
Looooooooool you have killed me. Let me tell you something, on average, an oyinbo woman’s poo smells more than our one. We mostly have one ingredient dishes with spices (e.g. jollof is just rice abi) but they will cook rice and add celery, spinach, squash, zucchini, cottage cheese, goat cheese, cranberry, kale, pumpkin and potatoes. It is the gas from the combustion of all those food items that causes that bad smell. It can kill
Manny, that makes total sense oh … because the kind of bomb this woman let’s off in the bathroom, I fear oh. You just don’t want to be in the vicinity of that bathroom when she goes there. Whenever you hear that water running, just run as far as you can cause it’s gonna be epic … possibly deadly.
Looooooooool you have killed me. Let me tell you something, on average, an oyinbo woman’s poo smells more than our own. We mostly have one ingredient dishes with spices (e.g. jollof is just rice abi) but they will cook rice and add celery, spinach, squash, zucchini, cottage cheese, goat cheese, cranberry, kale, pumpkin and potatoes. It is the gas from the combustion of all those food items that causes that bad smell. It can kill
Lol!!! Oh my goodness, Vera, you are something else. I don’t care where I’m at in public. I cannot do #2 in anybody else’s bathroom but mine. Not even family members. I don’t even care if I have to go. I leave or hold it (I know, not good for my body system but…). This was hilarious!!!
Enitan, I feel the same way. Pooping is so personal, and I want to relax and do it. My house is my favorite pooping venue. For one thing, I know for sure how clean I keep it.
Seriously vera, like u really mean you don’t poop in public…this is timmy tim o remember my house your dumping ground…..lmao
Timmy Tim, your house was not public … and it was because I didn’t want to poop outside that I always came to dump it in your house instead. Don’t act like you didn’t enjoy it …. hahahahahahaha.
Lol. I have pooped at work before and if I am pressed I will do it again. I have low tolerance for poop discomfort and that is when the terrible smelling farts show up.
Okepghene, the farts are sweet to release (as long as you’re the one releasing it, not the one mistakenly inhaling it). You just have to do it somewhere and quickly walk away from it and make sure it doesn’t follow you. Lol.
Trust this girl to write about poop, seriously! Loooool @muting the sound effects of poop dropping into toilet bowl. I have one tip for you (although from your post I suspect you’re a master poop strategist). For stinkless poop, try eating clean and/or eliminating sugar from your diet. Then you can go on a pooping spree and nobody’s gonna know! *insert naija movie sound track* Lol! 😀
Looool. Me, master poop strategist? Hahaha. I doubt if eliminating sugar or eating clean will completely eliminate the smell of poop. Poop is meant to smell. It’s never pleasant. Unless my poop is odorless (like water), I will not be doing it at work. Nope! I don’t even like peeing when I’m not home sef, but I pee because I don’t wanna get a UTI.
I try hard not to but one day my tummy was just running and I kept releasing atomic bombs. After the second one, I knew I had used up my chances so I broke my rule and went to poop in the office toilet. I felt really bad and didn’t look up from my computer all day.That’s the one and only time. I never do it men. I always calculate and do it at home.
Thislagosgirl … looool at not looking up from your computer. Hahaha. Why nah? Those atomic bombs are evil too. Chei.
Danng! Hahahahaha.. Nyc one Vera, dis pooping topic jes made my day.. I could actually empty an air_freshner bottle if the pooping comes to d worse at work..lool
Lol. But some of those air fresheners, walahi they make the poop smell worse. I don’t remember the last time I used an air freshener after pooping. It makes it smell worse!
Our co-workers made it a rule in our office that no one is allowed to poop at work. But we have this fat oyinbo woman who always blows it up and we cannot enter in for hours. She won’t even use a spray after herself. Straight up nastyness.