If You Must, Do It The Right Way

Cheating on your partner is a bad, bad thing, which I would never condone (no matter how many times I have been involved in it; not that I’m saying I have been involved in it), but in the name of high-quality thinking-faculties and properly hydrated brains, if you must cheat, please do it the right way!

I notice that a lot of men have a popular line they use when they have been caught with their hands in the cookie jar; I’m sure you’ve heard it too. They say “Baby, it’s not what you think; I can explain. I know what it looks like, but it’s not anything like what you’re thinking”. Oh, you know, huh? Well, go ahead and explain then. Just because I have caught you butt-naked on top of a woman whom you’re joined at the waist with does not mean there is no logical explanation. It’s not like sex is the only thing you could be having with her. I’m pretty sure there are a million other things you could have been doing. Besides, these satin sheets on the bed make it mighty slippery; I’m sure you merely lost your balance. No broken bones, I hope.

It is a universal fact that when it comes to cheating and being devious, women do a better job. You know why? Because we are just plain smarter; we think ten steps ahead of our men. Men, on the other hand seem to think twenty steps behind their partners. I mean, if you are going to lie about going to the grocery store when you’re really going to your mistress’s house, the least you could do is come back with a carton of milk! Contrary to the popular belief of the men, no one believes you when you say the store was out of milk and you had to drive through the city for three hours looking for milk….especially when there is no need for the milk since there is a huge unopened gallon sitting in the fridge.

If you must lie about having a flat tire, then be smart enough to have a little dirt on your hands and shirt. Wouldn’t you agree with me that it looks a little suspicious when you come in smelling like Zest? And it doesn’t help to see that your spare tire is tucked away neatly either.

If you are the type who wipes his face with a handkerchief often, then just make sure you that what you actually have in your pocket is a handkerchief and not your mistress’s red, lace thong. I doubt your wife will believe you when you say, “Oh look, how did that get there?” I mean, come the hell on! And claiming that the thong belongs to your wife when it is clearly obvious that not enough Crisco would make her thighs pass through it is a redundant scheme that is bound to fail. For that matter, the earrings in your car cannot belong to your wife if her ears are not pierced!

Let me tell you a little secret; forget what Shaggy sang about…telling your wife it wasn’t you does not work either. I’m sure that by now she does not need a torch to figure out who her husband is under the bright light of the sun. You may think that French-kissing your mistress (and claiming she’s actually your secretary) is a good way of saying farewell to your alleged secretary, but trust me, it does not work. First of all, French-kissing should not be done with anyone but your wife, and second of all, you have to have a job before you have a secretary.

You may be surprised, but telling your wife that the used latex condom in your car was used by two of you, but that the sex was so good that she is currently suffering from temporary amnesia of said event does not work either…especially if she is allergic to latex and is on Depo Provera. It definitely does not make it better if she was out of the country at the time the supposed amnesia-causing sex happened.

When your wife finds the receipt of the dozen red roses you bought last weekend, it really does not make your case better when you claim you bought it for your best friend, Mike. Neither does it help when you say you bought them for her (your wife) but the wind must have flown them out of your open window on your way home and you completely forgot about it…especially if it was five degrees outside.

Whoever told you that the line “Forgive me, for I knew not what I was doing” works on human beings (especially women) lied to you. Claiming not to know who you were having sex with is arrant nonsense. Saying you were so dehydrated on your way back from work that you stopped at a random house to drink some water (and much more) does not work either.

If a man catches you butt-naked in bed with his wife, it will be in your best interest to put your clothes on as fast as possible and run like the wind. Or you could play dumb and tell the man that you were being raped by his wife since she was on top. Yeah, your moans might have been heard from across the country, but I’m sure they were only moans…or rather, groans of pain, right?

It goes without saying that you should not bring your mistress into your matrimonial home. In fact, you should not have a mistress in the first place, but if you find yourself caught up between a rock and a hard place and having to hide your mistress under your matrimonial bed, you should at least do it the right way. If God decides to have some fun and tell on you by compelling your mistress to sneeze loudly in her hiding place, don’t even think of telling your wife that your enemies are after you again. Sure you might have enemies, and they might be after you, but why must they do it in the fashion of a naked woman lying under your bed and sneezing frenziedly? If only your wife had vacuumed under the bed, there would not have been so much dust!

I do not know if I should be proud to say this, but I know for sure that women do a much better job when it comes to hiding their dirty laundry. Why do you think that unfaithful men are the quickest and most confident to speak about how faithful their wives are? Yeah right! Give me a break. Of course, if he decides to come home early from work one day, he will find out that the handy man has been fixing more than the sink. And if he even takes a closer look at Junior, he would notice the striking resemblance between him (Junior) and the handy man. But he will never find out because on the days he gets off work early, he is too busy bonin’ his mistress. Alas, the player gets played.

In essence, I could sit here and type away till Kingdom come, but it is up to you to be smart enough to cover your tracks. If you are weak enough to cheat on your spouse, then you should try to make up by being smart enough to cover your tracks. You might think that quickly tucking your penis into your pants with the condom is a way of covering up, but somehow I doubt your wife will feel the same way; especially if your partner in crime (your mistress) is still spread-eagled underneath you.

If you must do it, then respect the professional cheats and do it right!

Copyright © 2006 Vera Ezimora
verastic@yahoo.com