Ladies, Hold Your Men!!!

I repeat, hold your men!!! So this winter has been mild, to say the least. We barely got any snow, and the coldest it has gotten is probably around 22 degrees Fahrenheit or so. Don’t use this information for a scientific research. Or any kind of research for that matter. According to the calendar, we are still in winter. I do not know about other countries that enjoy suffer snow, but here in Maryland, February is usually the month with the most snow. This year, however, we barely saw flurries. So how does this relate to ladies holding their men? Well, read on!

Two days ago, the temperature was 81 degrees. Yesterday, it was even hotter. Today, it is projected to be 79 degrees. Did I mention we’re still in winter? With temperatures like these in winter, I dread the summer. It will be very hot with a chance of hell – everyday. In light of this heat, babes are not smiling anymore. They have gone naked. Driving today, I could not stop turning my head at all the half-naked women on the street. I didn’t even know what part of their bodies to look at: the breasts? The thighs?  The belly? The butt cheeks? Everything was hanging out, and it left me very disoriented — like those pastors when the prostitutes flashed their breasts at them.

Now, if a proud, unapologetic man-lover like myself can be so distracted by half-naked women, then what happens to the men? And this is where you come in: hold your men!!! I don’t know what you have to do, but just do it. Scratch that, I do know what you should do, and I’ll tell you in a moment. The world is a dangerous place. There are half-naked women on the corner of each street, and whether or not they are waiting to pounce on your man, your man is probably wishing they would. (Men, abi I lie?)

But don’t fret too much. I actually have a solution. It’s called The Protection App! With only four easy payments of $499.99 into my bank account, I will provide you with The Protection App, an easy-to-use app which you would download and install into your man and protect his eyes from beholding evil.

So how does this work? After you wire all the money into my account, I will send you the link and directions for the app which would be downloaded into your man. The app comes in the form of sex actually. First, I’ll give you something – can’t tell you the name or chemical composition, as this is classified above top secret. After you use this something, you will proceed to have sex with your man. He will think it’s just sex, but in fact, it is the app that is being downloaded into him. Once download is complete, he will shut off and reboot. This may look like he has simply fallen asleep and woken up later after exhausting his energy. But you’ll know better, of course. 😀

When he reboots (a few hours later, possibly the next morning), he will seem perfectly normal. He won’t even know that something has been altered in his hardware. Once the corner of his eyes spot a half-naked woman, his eyes will immediately look away and he will begin to sing, “Devil, I senior you …”  Depending on the level of her nakedness, his eyes might even shut tight completely, no matter where he is: in the store, in church, in the club … driving down the highway. And they will not open until the app detects that the threat has been averted. The app is good for the entirety of summer 2012, after which you would have to pay again for a new subscription. For those in countries where it is always summer, I have an annual discount rate for you.

With this accident-proof app, you can sleep, rest, and fatten easy knowing that whatever cometh the way of your man – in the form of a naked woman – he shall overcome. And isn’t that what we all want? Plus more ….? [This app does not provide the more]. Please contact me for more apps.

P.S. For the men that are wondering, no, there is no such app to install into your women, as shirtless men are not a threat to you – most times. Whether or not such shirtless men have six packs, and whether or not they have hair on their chest, women all over world are allowed to look. And dream. And touch. And possibly spend the night with.

P.P.S. And of course, Igwe has The Protection App in him. I installed it last night. 😉