In my next life, I’d like to be a woman, but I’d like men to have periods, too. Yes, you guessed it, this is another period post. When you have to lose blood every twenty-four days, you will have no choice but to blog about it every now and then. There’s so much to talk about concerning periods: the clumpy [stinky] blood, the bloatedness, the fatigue, the mood swings. I mean, it’s endless.
I was wondering on Thursday why my tummy was unusually big. Sure, it’s never been flat, but looking like I just swallowed a mountain of pounded yam is not its modus operandi either. Then I remembered that Ms. Flow had come visiting. I tried every trick in the book to get my tummy to stop looking pregnant, including but not limited to lying on it for long periods of time. Still, it didn’t budge.
On Thursday morning, I woke up at 5AM to shovel the six inches of snow that had held my car hostage. It was while shoveling that Ms. Flow came. I shoveled her right into my panties. Feel free to imagine. It took me about one and half hours to clear the snow around my car. By the time I was done, I expected to have six packs, or at least some kind of new toned body. No such luck.
Since Thursday, my bathroom visits have been more than I care to have and/or remember. And this morning, while I was at the oval office emptying my bowels, I thought to myself, It’s not that I don’t like being a woman. It’s not that I even mind bleeding every twenty-four days. It’s just that I wish men would suffer enjoy the same privileges, too. It’s most likely not going to happen in this lifetime, but there’s no telling what the next lifetime will have in store. People like Bagucci are happy that it is not my decision to make, but to people like him, I’m saying, “Don’t be too sure. I happen to know people (Jesus, Angels, Holy Spirit) that know God, and they will be more than happy to see that this fantasy of mine becomes a reality.
I only have one advise for men: watch your boxers. Actually, panties. By the time Ms. Flow starts coming, you’ll need panties.
By the way, mostly unrelated to this post, but I learned a valuable lesson on Wednesday. When driving on the snow and you get stuck, don’t panic. Like me, stay parked on the road. Who cares the kind of gridlock you cause. Remain calm. Tweet a few times. Listen to music. And always, always, always have some yogurt.
The yogurt that kept me company
P.S. I wonder what Ginger will have to say about this obala {bloody} post.
P.P.S. The contest is still on for the Verastic 5th anniversary giveaway. All types of comments have been coming in: bible quotations, riddles, jokes, insults, songs, questions, innovations, alleged book manuscripts, poems, nursery rhymes, etc. The list goes on. They’re all in a bid to win the gifts. You can [and should] take part. All you have to do is leave a comment here. Happy contesting 🙂
Gongusting Vera
You know you like it. Quit frontin.
yippe, d feedback thingie is up now……..yea baby… Verastic dot com rocks! Our techno geek rocks! hope he doesnt read dis oh
Dang. I really like this white background sha. Okay, I guess white is my color then … hmm. Thought I loved black better. Yes, our techno geek rawks!!!! *Now BBM Dancing*
Ewwwwww…cannat believe this…my poor noodles…i almost puked at ‘stinky clumps’…#
You’re lucky sef…For me..it’s not just those cramps that announce themselves days before… brought by the struggling clumps that irk me… that bloating majorly takes the piss too…I swear men need to feel this…
and yay for feedback..
How’d you get out of the snow tho?
Hahahaha. Sweerat, it’s the truth. I can imagine that many men decided to just keep their food down and skip this post. Haha. Yeah, the bloating is insane! You can’t hold your tummy in. You can really fart to make your tummy smaller. The bloating is imitation bloating. LOL.
Yes, yay for feedback.
Per the snow, my sister, it was God that delivered me oh. I really don’t know how I got out. I stayed put for a while and tried again, and voila, I was out. God helped, honestly.
Hey V, I like this lighter look. A lot easier on my eyes. As for the rest, na only you fit put up di kain post!
LOL @ dis kin post. But you like am na. Yeah, I agree with you on the lighter look. Easier on my eyes, too. I liked the sharp contrast in the dark one, but this one is tres cool too.
lol. Thanks Verastic! I remain loyal ooo.
I totally agree with you on men sharing period with ladies. In fact their own should come with a twist…their periods synchronises with that of any woman they do it with in any month…(evil laugh). lets see them cheat on a sister with that kin curse!
p.s. Nwanne, though I have pledged to uphold your hooters and bakassi, biko don’t turn me into a vampire abeg. I plead to take my off-days during this ‘stinky period’ pls.
Hahahaha. Bia, respecti kwa yourself. How can you be requesting off days? You’re supposed to stay the course and enjoy this beaurriful thing called obala post(s). I say we (women) organize a rally (or a strike) for men to start seeing their period, or else, we’ll stop seeing our own, too. How you take see am?
Ehhh, that your threat get as e be. The only times we stop seeing the stinky obala is menopause or pregnancy.
Adighi m sure na o nwere nke m choro karia 4 days is better than 9 months……..
Hahahaha. So you’re refusing to rally round me? Is that what you’re trying to kowata lu’m kita? *HISS* Eche kwa’m na mu na gi yi. Look at how you’re falling my hand. Okay oh. Ka Chineke mezi okwu.
Who am i not to go where my Vera leadeth? let the no obala rally begin with alacrity!! Where’s my placard and Sufferhead T-shirt? you know it will be fitting…
LOL @ Sufferhead T-shirt. That’s a good one. Well, you’ll have to ask http://www.one3snapshot.com for that, but as for the placard, I gat you! We go do this thing.
As e be say me and you dey for the same category right now, I second your motion, lol…
Thank you, Sister Myne. I knew you’d support me. Ngwa nu, let us rally our fellow monthly bleeders.
Vera: eeeew. No woman wants to think about ms flow.
We hate it when she is not here because we think we have a sickness. Or worse; pregnant.
We hate it when she is here because she turns us into vile creatures.
LOL. You’re so right. If only there was a way to not have her and not be sick (or appear to be sick). That would be perfect. I mean, when planning a vacay and say swimming is included, you wouldn’t have to run to the calendar to check when your monthly visitor will be coming. You’ll just go. You wouldn’t have to think twice about wearing that thong. Or about wearing that very tight white skirt.
*sigh*
Thank God women are not God! #Gbam!
Hmmmmmph!! *Rolling eyes* Don’t be too sure oh. Anything can happen. Okay, fine, the chances of us becoming God are slim, in fact nonexistent. But we fit go into violent prayer and fasting for God to answer our prayer. Have you thought about that?