Favors, Especially For Lucid

The other day I was on Lucid’s blog where she was asking her readers for ideas on wedding favors. I was going to leave a comment and give a few suggestions here and there, but then I thought, why not put up an entire post with even more suggestions? I mean, I do have quite a few. Trust me, you’re gonna wanna read this. So here goes … to Lucid, with love. Plenty, plenty love.

1.  Mugs: Apparently, you cannot go wrong with these mugs. You should stamp a blurry picture of you and Turtle on it. And then, you can add a vague inscription like, “Thank you for coming to our wedding. From husband and wife.” That way, when we look at the mugs a year later, we will have no clue which husband and wife gave us this particular mug.

2.  Serving trays (commonly known as traypan in Nigeria): They have to be made of plastic, in all colors of the rainbow and preferably in different shapes too. And then, you have to make those stickers in Nigeria that may or may not include your picture with Turtle, but will definitely include your wedding date. It will be printed in Nigeria (black ink, clear or white background). Don’t forget the signature touch: the sticker cannot be pasted straight. It has to be some kind of slanted. Better yet, up-side-down, if possible.

3.  Note pad (writing pad): This one, too, has to be made in Nigeria. Under no circumstances should the lines be straight because you know we don’t like writing straight. We prefer everything we write to look as if we were falling asleep in the middle of writing it. On the cover of the note pad, there must be a huge, ugly, blurry picture of you and Turtle. And on every page of the writing pad, your picture must be watermarked, just in case we ever forget from whence we got the pad from.

4.  Pens: These must be extremely cheap pens, the types that no one actually ever gets to use because of one or more of the following reasons … (a) The pens are dry and will not write no matter how many times you fling them up and down or (b) They’re the types you have to click open, but you’re never able to do so because they have no spring inside or (3) They have a weird color, like a fading blue that looks like the ink is finishing when in fact it is not.

5. Salt: Yes, as in cooking salt. I have gone to several parties … all Nigerian parties … Yoruba to be specific … here in America where I have been given salt as the party favor. I don’t understand it. It’s the strangest thing. As one who rarely cooks with salt, you can imagine my bewilderment when I am gifted with salt. I often imagine the sharer of the favor saying inside her to each recipient, “Here’s one heart attack for you! And one for you! And another for you!” Why else would they be sharing sodium?

6. Microwave covers: I’m talking of those bowl-looking thingies that you use to cover your food in the microwave. Personally, it’s more of an inconvenience to me than a convenience. I don’t like covering my food with those things because I always have to wash it after each use anyway. I remember this one wedding where they had sooooo many of those things that at the end of the wedding, one of the guests was packing them and throwing them into the trash bag. When I inquired of the reason, she said, “Who needs this nonsense? I can’t go on the plane with all these things.” (She was an out-of-town guest).

7.  Buckets: These fall in the same category as the traypans. We have many buckets at home, and they were all wedding favors.

8.  Shot glasses: I am yet to decide how I feel about shot glasses. The ones I’ve received have been too small to put stickers on them, so now, I don’t remember where I got what from. Plus, shot glasses are made primarily for shots, so if you’re not a shot consumer, you’re forced to either (a) never use the shot glasses, but let them take your cupboard space anyway or (b) give them away or (c) use them inappropriately, like for juice or milk.

9.  Bottle opener: This one comes in several versions, like the one that’s a fridge magnet, the one that hangs as a key chain, and the regular one that sits in the drawer. I have received them all. They’re honestly not bad, until you start receiving them over and over. And over. And over.

10. Umbrella: The day I was given an umbrella, I reserved my right to not take it. From all indications, this umbrella would only be big enough to cover my head, and with that, I might as well just wear a shower cap during the rain. Secondly, this umbrella was clearly the cheap kind, the kind that can only withstand a drizzle. If it’s raining heavily – or worse, windy while raining – then just respect yourself and pocket your umbrella.

11.  Plastic cups: These are in the same category as the mugs. There’s never a limit to how many times you may receive them. They just keep coming. And coming. And coming. Until like me, you run out of space for them.

12.  Wash cloths: They’re usually in a florescent color like hot pink or lime green. It’s almost as if the couple wants to help you save on your electric bill by giving you an alternative source of light. Look! Here’s the bright light … coming from the wash cloths! Caution: You may need sunglasses.

13.  Handkerchiefs: They’re white with dark blue or black inscriptions that mention the wedding date and the presenter of the gift. Sometimes, it includes a picture of the couple that even the couple cannot recognize. But hey, it’s yours to keep.

14.  Bags: They could be totes made of damask material, or made of that sack-like material. Most times, they’re a fashion faux pas, but last year, I went for a wedding in Chicago where I got a shoulder bag that was made of the tote-ish material, and I loved it! Still love it.

15.  The fake jewelry: They’re either gold plated or sterling silver or plastic beads that end up leaving their color on your skin and clothes.  I don’t know where they get those pieces of jewelry from, but something tells me that one is not supposed to get jewelry from that kind of place (like having a carpenter sew your dress).

16. Indomie noodles: Any other kind of noodles will simply not do. I personally do not give a flying pig about the brand of the noodles, but apparently, Indomie noodles is a kind of delicacy here because it flew in all the way from Nigeria. Screw the big box of Ramen noodles you may have at home. Indomie is in the building!

17.  Fridge magnets: Most times, this comes as a business card-size magnet with a picture and/or inscription about the couple.  Personally, I don’t mind this gift. I’m one of those people who will keep random people’s pictures on my fridge, just because I can. It’s small and not annoying.

18.  Calendars: Nothing says remember-us-for-the-rest-of-the-year like calendars. Every day, every month, for a year, you have to look at the couple. Every month you turn, there’s a brand new picture of the same people. Sometimes, the calendar completes the year of the wedding and then starts over again in the new year. Example, the wedding is in June 2012, so the calendar will go from June 2012 to December 2012, and then from January 2013 to December 2013.

19.  Almanac: This is just like a calendar, but it doesn’t have all the pages. Instead it’s just one big ol’ page, measures about 12 by 18, and most times – unless in rare cases of disturbingly good-looking couples – it remains an eyesore on the wall. Doesn’t match anything. Doesn’t appeal to your personal taste. It’s worse when you don’t even know the couple. Perhaps, you went there as the guest of a guest.

 

And my favorite ….! *cue drum roll*

20.  Semovita: I did not have the pleasure of receiving this one, but a friend of mine attended a wedding (in Nigeria) where she was gifted semovita as the wedding favor. Yes, as in the Semovita you use for soup. I have thought about it several times, and I still cannot comprehend it.

With the exception of  number 20, I have received every other wedding favor. I no longer collect mugs, cups, trays, etc. In fact, I barely collect anything since I have everything already and I literally have no space to keep them, so I don’t bother. Plus, I’d like to drink out of one cup that has no picture and/or description.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m feeling pretty darn good about myself right now. Lucid cannot say I did not give her very good ideas for her wedding. She’ll thank me later. I just know it.