Ahem, We Really Need To Talk

I do not know how men feel when they are in situations like this, but ladies, have you ever been in those situations where you want to break a man’s heart softly (if there is such a thing), but as soon as you open your mouth to utter the words that you have so carefully premeditated, he decides that he has something to say to you first and he says “baby, the past few weeks (or months) I have spent with you have been the absolute best of my life. I just want to tell you that no matter what happens or what life may throw our way, I will never ever let you go. We are soul mates, baby!” And then before you know it, you are standing there feeling and looking stupefied, mortified and petrified when he asks you “so what is it that you wanted to say?” You’re feeling this way because you’re either a sucker for romance or because you’ve just realized that this is not going to be as easy as you thought, or maybe because of both reasons. So in the midst of the psychological chaos that is brewing in your head, you voice out the right words at the wrong time at the wrong place and sure as hell to the wrong person, “I feel the same way too.” If only you could turn back the hands of time…well, too bad. Once again, you begin conspiring and developing and constructing the right sentence or words to capture your true feelings without the pain and guilt of being a heartbreaker. At the end of the day, you figure “well, maybe I should just give him a chance. It’s not like he’s that bad…right???”

Needless to say, whether you are male or female, breakups are never a thing of joy; and being the dumper or ‘dumpee’ does not make much of a difference either (unless you have a heart of stone). It makes it even harder when you are the dumper and you cannot come up with any logical, legitimate, plausible reason for dumping the ‘dumpee’. It may be a heavy weight lifted off your shoulder when you and your partner are no longer together, but no matter how much weight is lifted off in the process of dumping your partner, it is unquestionably not the path of least resistance. As most soon-to-be dumpers would do in situations like these, you would give your partner the chance to break up with you instead. You will begin to do things just to piss your partner off enough for him to dump you instead because you know you will not feel the hurt, though you can always pretend. Of course, at a crucial moment like this, Heaven would decide to turn deaf ears to your mischievous yet allegedly selfless plan, and a proof of that is your partner saying “I still love you” instead of breaking up with you. As a true human being, you will seek comfort in the words of your friends. They will ask you why you want to leave your partner and all you will be able to say is “he is just not it.” Just not what? Of course you have no idea, but deep down your guts, you know that there is something terribly wrong with this relationship.

He probably does everything you want, and never really gives you any trouble, but still, there is something missing. Maybe you have met someone else, or maybe it’s just your inner vibe telling you that you cannot possibly spend the rest of your life with this person. The thought of it probably repulses you. Instead of your friends taking your side and telling you that they understand what you must be going through, they will tell you that you are just an ingrate who does not recognize what she has. Your friends would tell you that if they were in your position, they will thank the Lord everyday for bringing such a wonderful person (your partner) into their lives. In resentment, you will say something along the line of “if you like him so much, why don’t you date him?” Now, it’s evident to you that your friends just don’t get it; they don’t get your partner, and they sure as hell don’t get you. Yes, this is all their misconception, not yours. But what is it that is there to get? Genuinely speaking, you do not know either, but you know they do not get it (whatever there is to get); but of course, you get it, or don’t you?

You begin to reconsider breaking up with your partner; I mean it’s not like you have a prince charming stashed away somewhere waiting for you to come so he can profess his love for you. You begin to think that maybe you are just being too stiff and rigid; maybe you should just take a deep breath in and let yourself love this man, but damn, it’s really not working out that way. No matter how much you try, you just can’t bring yourself to love him or even be attracted to him. You try futile efforts of breaking up with him again in different ways and different scenes, but over and over, he says and does all the right things at the wrong time. Six months ago, he said he loved you more than his own life; four and half months ago, he gave you a promise ring that you got appraised for $5,500; three months ago he introduced you to his mother as his soul mate and her future daughter in-law, and last month he proposed to you at your cousin’s huge wedding in the presence of all your family and friends, and you were considered the luckiest woman alive.

If things continue this way, you will be standing in front of him at the alter and still saying “ahem, we really need to talk.” You have only been dating for eight months, which could either be considered as long or short, depending on who is looking at it. You decide that the only reason why he’s acting so sweet is because you both have not been intimate, so after reviewing the situation, you figure you might as well stick in for the next month; by then he should be tired of loving you and tired of hearing “I’m not ready” when it comes to sex, and then you will have the perfect chance to let him go; matter of fact, he will let you go himself. Moreover, he is a proper Naija man, and Naija men do not like doing the mushy stuff, and neither do they like being deprived of sex, right?

“Happy Anniversary, baby!” your lover says to you with sheer joy. Wow! That one month really zoomed by, huh? Who would have thought a year could feel like a month? You planned on staying for one more month, but somehow four months elapsed instead, and now it’s your one year anniversary. You realize he is starting to grow on you; you realize he’s not so bad after all, but something still isn’t right. You beg God to show you the way and lead you in the right path, and for Pete’s sake, show you the right man! But God has been on vacation, and no it’s not in Hawaii. He had to go somewhere you will not be able to reach him; you realize that even God is tired of your endless baseless bickering.

Your wedding is a month away; you’ve got a ring that has a rock so big and bright that people need sunglasses to look at it, you’ve got the wedding gown of your dream, and the wedding arrangement of your dream, but unfortunately, you cannot say the same about the man you are about to marry. On your wedding day, you stand in front of your husband-to be and tell the priest to hold on for a second while you whisper into your fiancé’s ear, “we really need to talk.” He says “don’t worry sweetie, we have all our lives to talk…just the two of us.”

Twenty years later, four kids down the line, a wrinkle here and there, generous stretch marks on your stomach and hips, breasts a few inches ‘longer’, he says to you “honey, remember on our wedding day when you said we needed to talk? What was it you wanted to say?” You roll your eyes at him and curse him under his breath, and then he says “You know, I was hoping you would break up with me; I tried so hard to irritate you, but it never seemed to work; you were stuck on me like white on rice. Every time I said something to put pressure on you and make you feel like I was moving too fast, you would return the favor. I thought you would be intimidated by me introducing you to my mother as her future daughter-in-law, but you weren’t. I thought you would be alarmed by the price of the promise ring…and don’t even tell me you did not get it appraised, but you weren’t, and I even thought you would reject my proposal since we never directly talked about marriage, but you gladly accepted my ring. I was so close to breaking up with you, but my friends kept on telling me how great you were and how ungrateful I was, so I learned to tolerate you. You’re not half as bad as I expected, so I guess it all worked out; plus you gave me four beautiful children”. You look at him intensely (if looks could kill); you think of all the meanest things to say to him, but of what use will it be? Hell, you might as well go with the flow. You kiss him passionately and say “I love you too”. You go to bed and say to God, “God, if I catch you ehn…!!!”