When I was 14 (in Nigeria), my dad went to the store and bought me a Christmas dress – as was the tradition for Christmas and Easter. Big mistake for this particular year. Mom should have gone with him – as she usually did. He came back with a peach and ivory poufy dress. Not only was the dress a mama-tie-me-for-back dress, but it was also a Mary-Amaka dress. In other words, it had a very long belt that had to be tied at the back, and it (the dress) was also very long. Did I mention I was 14 — and in JSS3 (9th grade)???
My father is the reason why I am now very adamant about letting a man shop for me. He is also the reason why I am now also very adamant about eating a man’s food. Memories of my father’s burnt-tomato stew and ball-filled pap (akamu) still linger in my mind. Until they fully dissipate, I’ll shop for myself, and when eating any food cooked by a man, I’ll have Pepto Bismal handy. I feel obligated to mention that Mr. Shoes, however, is a fantabulous cook. If I don’t mention it, he’ll start whining grumbling.
My mother did not like the dress, but she said I had to wear it because dad had bought it already. That Christmas was just — just — I don’t even know the word. The entire time we were in church, my head was bowed down in shame; I didn’t want anyone to see me in that dress. Needless to say, that was a futile aim. It was Christmas for Pete’s sake. Even the witches went to church on Christmas Day, so of course, everyone got to see me in the dress. That was the first and last time I ever wore that dress. It was so poufy that at least one child could hide under me and not be found.
When I think of horrible-gift stories, the humorous story that usually comes to mind is the episode of Cosby where someone – can’t remember who – gave Bill Cosby a soap-on-a-rope as a gift. Seriously?!?! Christmas is upon us, so when you’re giving someone a gift, think about its usefulness. If you’re going to spend money buying a gift, don’t you want the gift to be used?
On Saturday, December 5th 2009, I’ll be talking about Christmas and gifts on the radio. Be rest assured you’ll enjoy the show. But more than that, on Thursday or Friday, I’ll update my blog and introduce you to some kind and generous vendors who are willing to give you discounts on their products – just for being Verastic readers/listeners. Thank you!!! Watch this space. As usual, there’s a poll for next week’s show. It’s on the top of the right sidebar.
So tell me, what horrible, totally useless gift(s) have you received?
FIRST!!1 YAY FOR TWITTER!!!
my christmases have always been nice, thats cos my dad knows to just give the money and my mum knows to shop for us.see?division of labour!!
Lmao I remember when I had to wear this one ish, my momsy bought. I was a kid then, I was so embarassed cus I didn't feel it was on point.
hahahahha Mary- amaka dress!!!
looool!
thats just sick, i can onliy imagine.
Not any bad gifts but some tailors have spoilt some christmases for me sha…LOL.
Sorry the email is on the way.
hahahaha mary amaka
ooh i got this black board witht he 3 legs that i had to write what I was going to do everyday they wanted me to plan my time by force ur own is better jare
lol at mary amaka dress.
just remembered my friend who burnt her very nice xmas dress on xmas day! see serious walloping!
Mary Amaka!!! Hehehee.. I read this post since 12pm, till now all that runs in my head is Mary Amaka. I head this phrase last in Enugu 1993! Thanks for bringing back old memos.
For the Daddy's shopping thing, even my mom never allows that after a fancy cooking pot incident, I was just 12 then but I learnt its better to give mummy the money and don't even ask questions about whatever she bought!
lmao..even witches went to church on Christmas day..
haaa Mary Amaka..u get bad mouth eh.lmao but i can immediately imagine the dress.lol.
lmao. Funny daddy Vera!
Vera, you ehn?
I dont even know what to say
Kudos to your Dad jare.
I really cannot think of any totally useless gift I have received for now.
OMG!!! I got a mam-tie-me-for-back dress at 14 too. I mean it was not too poufy, it was just plain and damn ugly. And they wonder why i am a late bloomer. shio.
My word!
My dad travelled to Abj then came home with this dress that was twice my size. My mum n i thot it was for her, but he goes …" No it is my Ada Nwanyi m" (My first daughter).
See my face.
i jejely said thank you, but never wore the dress. lol.
Reach Villa, gave the dress to some relative who was soo appreciative, she wore it to church that christmas eve. My dad goes " that dress looks like the dress i bought Chioma..lol"
Yea, right.
In btwn, my dad is an excellent cook. He loves cooking. so i guess it makes up for his "too numerous to mention" flaws…lol
Love u daddy 🙂
lol oh my days. this reminds me of shopping with my dad….the ugliest shoes he would say: "this is a solid shoe..good quality"
but whenever he cooks, it is delishhh!
LOL….i guess we all had those pouffy looking dresses growing up but no…..at 14?, my parents wldn't dare..lol.
Yay!!!!!!!!!!..Christmas cometh!… Maybe i shld start drawing up my gift list already.
Nice one V!
LOL!! Ndo!
i mite be coming to MD before xmas. will keep u posted if i do. 🙂
Ms O: Technically, you cheated, you know?
Leggy: LOL @ division of labor. Indeed, you couldn't be more right.
Azazel: LOL. I can only imagine what you felt like wearing whatever it was. Not cool!
Gee: Ah, it was very sick indeed oh! Just imagine the likeness. Fine 14 year old babe like me. Babe ooo!
Myne Whitman: Hahaha. Those tailors can ruin events. Kai!!! Funmie has a lot of interesting tailor stories. Hehehe.
Tinu: Hahaha. No be say you talk am oh. My own was indeed better. Three-legged blackboard as a daily planner??? Mba nu! They did you bad o. LOL.
Omotee: She did what?! Chei! That is an abomination in the highest order! She burnt her Christmas dress — on Christmas day for that matter?! Chei!!
Elean John: Awww. Glad I brought that back to your memory. It's definitely a good idea to never ask mom what she bought with the money. Just accept whatever she says, and don't ask for change either. Somehow, she always spends the exact amount. LOL.
HisTreasure: But it's true now. The color of the dress was pretty, but a whole pre-babe like me … to where a mary amaka dress?!?! It's not right now! LOL. Per the witches… abi na lie I talk?
Standtall: Babe!!!!!!! Where you been??? Well, I know where you've been. Guess I should ask how you've been instead.
Olufunke: You know if you can't think of something else to say, you can just confess that love you have for me. That works too. Just thought you might want to know. LOL.
LucidLilith: LOL. Now you're blaming your late bloom on the mama-tie-me-for-back? Okay, well. I'll go with you on that. I was a late bloomer too. That must be why! LOL.
Chayoma: All of you with dads that can cook sha. Where was my dad when your dads were learning? I need to send my dad over for some training. LOL @ the dress that was twice your size. It's so funny how they'll swear they bought you the best stuff too. Hehehe.
Bonnie: Hahahaha. Your dad sounds like my dad. My dad always seemed to love the butt ugly shoes. Yikes. Good quality ko. What does a 14 year old know or care about good quality? Gimme the finest there jo!
Beulah: Yes oh, at 14! That was what made it so horrible. I was already in my pre-babe stage, and of all things to get me … a poufy dress! Sure, I didn't have breasts yet, but so what? LOL. And you should definitely start putting your Christmas list together.
Tigeress: Oh, really? Kewl!!! Are you gonna be staying with that cute baby girl again? LOL. And this time, I want my chicken!
lol…mu MUM once gave me an absolutely ludicrous dress to wear @ Christmas…it was so humongous, it could hide 3kids…lol…for a fashion designer mum, and one with a very impeccable taste for clothes/fashion for that matter, I still wonder if that dress was meant to be a punishment for something I had done wrong…there was no way I would be seen (more than was necessary) in that dress, so I even faked a tummy ache in order not to go for communion…imagine walking all the way to the front of the Church in that monstrousity of a dress? tu fia kwa!
It's funny that I can't remember the last time I got a Christmas present. It must mean that it was a really long time ago.
Well, when I can bring back the memories, I will come back to tell you which of the gifts was trashy. Don't count on it 😉
Xmas gift. hmmmmmmmmmmm. I never get any one since i turn 14 years of age. thus, i don't expect to receive neither do i always intend to give during that season