So, Bumight struck a chord with me on her recent post about wanting to be a bridesmaid. I have been a bridesmaid only one time in my life, and that was when I was Busola’s maid of honor. It goes without saying that it was Busola’s honor to have me as her maid of honor. Soon, I’m gonna be a bridesmaid for another friend, and no, I’m not gonna tell you who, when, or where. I talked about Busola’s nuptials so much that my picture was found by many people. Once bitten, twice shy. I refuse to talk about this wedding. There were two other times I was part of a wedding: once when I was my aunt’s little bride (gosh, I was too hawt!), and the other time, I was an usher (or was it a hostess??); the point is that we wore a beautiful burgundy gown.
Our dear Bumight has never had the honor expense of being a bridesmaid. Sure, you’ll look cute (if you’re not made to wear some butt ugly dress that highlights all your flaws), and sure, you’ll have your pictures taken by a professional photographer. Let’s not forget the chance to walk arm in arm with what is hopefully an eligible bachelor – if only for that day. I think my favorite part is when the bridal party dances into the reception. That’s when I can show my kolomentality in the name of dance moves – not that I really have any.
Anyways, Bumight wants to be my bridesmaid. What wedding, you ask? Well, Bumight has joined the other crazy people (Funmi & Busola) in planning my wedding to my valentine. Bumight, don’t worry; you, Funmi, and Busola are obviously all being carried in the same boat. Funmi and Busola have already started planning the speech they will give at my wedding. They even argue about whose speech will be better. Needless to say, I am not part of this conversation, but it is quite entertaining to listen to. Sometimes, I do indulge them, I must admit. I have long since removed all doubts about Funmi’s and Busola’s insanity. They’re certified ‘crase people.’ And you, Bumight, have joined them. Congratulations!
For you, Bumight (and anyone else who might be interested in being my bridesmaid), please read below.
1. All bridesmaids must have their dresses (which I will design) sewn by Vera Wang.
2. Once chosen as a bridesmaid, no bridesmaid, can decline the offer.
3. Each bridesmaid must get to the wedding in a stretch hummer limousine that will be paid for by the bridesmaid. One bridesmaid per limo, please!
4. Each bridesmaid must buy the aso-ebi lace, of course, which will cost only $2000 for 5 yards.
5. Each bridesmaid must use that asoebi material to sew a style that I have designed: micro mini skirt & half top – with the words, “Vera’s Maid” inscribed boldly across the chest.
6. Each bridesmaid must wear a pair of gold metalic stripper shoes designed by either Manolo Blahnik or Christian Louboutin. And no, they will not be stripping @ my wedding! The groomsmen are welcome to, though. π
7. Anyone who is interested in being a Verastic bridesmaid should please answer the 5 questions below & mail it to my P.O.BOX immediately. Though I am not getting married yet (in fact, I’m not even engaged), it is imperative that I plan ahead, no? Please mail in your Verastic Bridesmaid application ASAP, and you will get a response once the wedding date has been set.
Verastic Application Form [all areas marked with asteris (*) are required, and the number of *s denotes how much power this question has…in determining if you get the honorable position or not. Answer wisely, my friends.]
*Name:
*Address & Number:
**********How much are you willing to donate to the Verastic wedding?
**********How soon can you start the donation?
Why do you want to be a Verastic bridesmaid?
All readers are eligible to become Verastic bridesmaids. I have even decided to shatter myths by allowing men to become my bridesmaids, so RocNaija, Rethots, Aloofar, Chari, Black007, Fine Agbero Boy, Jaguda, Nuggetzman, Danny Bagucci, Dabizniz, Darius Williams, Tobenna, Webround, Aribaba, Doug, NaijaDude, Banky W, Emeka Amakeze, Boorish Male, Naughty Eyes, Dante, NaijaLeta, Engineer Ayo, Mr C, Carlang and the rest of our male bloggers (and readers) are all free to apply. C’mon, I know you’ve all been picturing yourselves in pretty dresses & gowns, sashaying down the aisle all prim & proper. Admit it already and do the right thing!
This may come as a shock to you – considering how competitive this position is – but it costs absolutely nothing to apply for this position. Yes, I know…. I’m awefully sweet! Sometimes, I don’t know what to do with myself!
So Bumight, how you take see am?
![When Nna Married Adanna … [Pictures Included]](https://verastic.com/site/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/DSC_1288-150x150.jpg)
1st
ahahahaa, Temite pls go n drink garri then go to sleep!
ousshh, am i 3rd again?
ok i have to sing…
i feel good ….so good, so good! i got it good yea!!!
Funmie – you dey crace. nonsense chick!
I was actually sleeping and something just told me to go and check Vera’s blog and see this yeye girl. Nonnnnsense and ingredients!
Just as i was running to come and shout first believiing that “normal” human beings would be asleep at this hour. Only for Funmie to UNFAIRLY dominate the comments.
TEMITE……WHEN DO YOU EVER SLEEP!!!
OMG Vera!
How graciously Verastic of u, to leave the application for the HIDEOUSLY EXPENSIVE position of bridesmaid free.
No be only Vera Wang dress and Manolo shoes.
Lemme see how interested Bumight is in becoming a VERA’S MAID now! lol!
Methinks we missed a category for the Naija Blogsville awards, “Certified Kolo”…Ah Vera, yet again.. Hopefully you are considering a long term career in satirical writing, cos if you’re not its a momumental waste of your best abilities!!!!
I am officially 5th. I am discounting all the multiple comments by these people.
Danny is right. We have to tell Buttercup and Sting about that category that was missed.
Vera you are certifiable. I will file an application or move a motion that you be committed. Don’t worry your sponge bob case will be suspended until you are fit to attend the hearing.
Don’t worry we can say the trauma caused by the discrimination made you loose it. Aso-ebi of $2000 sewn into a bikini with Vera’s maid? I am speechless.
Pardon me I wanted to do the welcome dance from Vanuatu. Its been long since I was in top ten.
ah Vera…lol. thats a good qualification and application, i sure say you dey take VISA and Mastercard
Chei, all those hard men in dresses?? I will give my tampons to see that….
Babe, abeg slow down make I win frequent blogger award, haba…I cant keep up o…2 days interval? No way…I no fit.you win.
I am a brides maid this weekend, first time too…unfortunately the yeye best man is married, who in heaven’s name uses a married best man…mcheeeew, still sulking…
On behalf of bumight,”i change my mind”!!!!!!!!!lol
kai,with all dis conditions,its would be sweeter to be d bride.kai
u sef be craze gal vera,no be today!!
hhahahahha…dats a good one
lmao!!! Vera…this bridemaids job duties are to say the least *ahem..xpensive
lol@micro mini skirt & half top – with the words, "Vera's Maid"…now that i will like to see, with all the bridemaids walking behind you in church…lol
Very funny.
All this wahala self?! Kai! I can’t even imagine what you the bride have planned for yourself! lol!
Now this is the wedding to witness.. Micro mini’s and things.. We’d be like Alice in Veraland!
So I had to reread your pre-requisite ‘numb 6’..
”The groomsmen are welcome to…. Wear a pair of gold metallic stripper shoes??” π
Easy Peezy! π
In fact I’ll fill in the forms on behalf of my male brethren in absentia.. INEC style..
Vera!!!! Haba!!! In short you don’t want any bridesmaid like me! lol..
Bumight, run, flee…Vera has plans to make you go bankrupt!
Lol….this one is Bridezilla to the 1 millionth power…lol
# 5 is a killer….Damn Girl!!..lol
Are mummy’s allowed to be bridesmaids?
u r too funny
okay at some point u are going to have to get engaged, hopefully that comes b4 the wedding and the sewn dresses and the Vera maid tops are custom made
lol
are these all the requirements????????? i was expecting more….mschewwwwwwwww……..
Vera wang is my cousin’s best friend so i can even get the dresses for free for u guys, what else? oh i used to Christian… lets just say i left him with so much impression, he still does everythin i say, as per the limo, my new boyfriend is a VP at Chrysler and i can get him to give us 10 Limos….. what else???????????
anyway i am willing to spend $100k on ur wedding as a bridesmaid so can i be the maid of honor…….
Honestly Vera, i thought ur requirements will be more than this o……..
i used to do* (not date) Christian
Vera ohhhhhh,oluwadee asked “Are mummys????”
is she tellin us sumtin??i cant wait to read ur response,sha take note!!!
I laughed so hard I just choked on my tea and my manager had to come and thump my back! They now think in my office that I’m certifiable!!
LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL…
LMAOOOOO. Nna ehn, by the time I apply for this bridesmaid position, na to drink garri for the next 5 years. π
Errr…V, shouldn’t you focus on finding that special dude first. I am only saying this cus you live in that dating cess-pit called Baltimore. Btw, when are you moving?
Am i missing something? When did he propose???!!!
Vera, stop with your castles in the air already!!!!
I’m a size 16+, I know bridesmaids aren’t supposed to be so awfully bigger than the brides huh!!! Bdw, i’m hoping to get my expenses paid from the ‘excess donations’. whaddyasay???
Hmmm… Vera, i don’t think u’ll want my hairy legs to be showing if I’m your bridesmaid…lol.
But if you insist then we can discuss a price π
http://aribab.blogspot.com
LOLL!!!
vera, abeg, dont make my pleasant images of some of the dudes u mentioned turn to unpleasant at the thought of them in dresses and heels..s’il vous plez!
Yahooooooo o o, Yahooooooo O O…
wasrong wit u? Why must it be one BM per Limo? Can we lap? I can be Bridematron. I don’t think I qualify as maid anymore lol
Vera I’m interested! I just realised I’ve never been a bridesmaid myself too. (I’m off to blog about this!) The only problem is, erm, we would have to discuss and negotiate on those your requirements. Seriously, I won’t even mind owning a Vera Wang dress just because of you. xxxx
The sight of the guys in dresses and gowns…PRICELESS!
Your list of requirements for potential bridesmaids…PURE THIEVERY!!!lol
kai VERASTIC VERA! you no go kill person for this blogville o!
Ah!! Vera you will not kill us o!!! Anyhow me i’ve decided I don’t want to be a bridesmaid, I want to sit on the HIGH TABLE (awon blogsville,u gotsa to look beyond ur nose o!) and get all the perks associated with my sitting position e.g cooler of rice to go, *special takeaway gift, et cetera…so here’s my application and I know I already meet the requirements : FLYNESSS and REALATIONS TO VERA WANG (she ma cousin!).lol!
lol and you’re calling bumight, and your babes the crazy ones? Ok o!
I have never had to do the dancing in thing, because I have only been a BM in oyinbo weddings. I need to find me a Naija friend who’ll help me rectify that situation quickly!
you want to kill the bridesmaids ni?
LMAO!!!! I want to be bridesmaid!!!! woohoo!!!
i refrain fom being a bridesmaid
i shall not bare my bowl oops midrif or my yams oops legs to any one at your wedding
i quite agree
you deserve the certified kolo blogger
lool….I concur with Danny!
This is one of the reasons why one should run away from Bridezillas…demanding… I will apply sha…all become I wanna dance like mad…love weddings! π
These days, being a bridesmaid is not cheap but then Vera, you leave me LOL…
ool….I concur with Danny!
This is one of the reasons why one should run away from Bridezillas…demanding… I will apply sha…all because* I wanna dance like mad…love weddings! π
Funmie: You don kolo finish. And there I was thinking it was one betta person sef leaving me a comment. Mind yourelf oo! How dare you rob my Temite of her number 1 position?
Temite: Don't mind Funmie. I have reprimanded her anyway. She won't try this kin nonsense again. You're the real first commenter *wink*
Mizchif: Bia, what is it now? Sebi na jealosy dey worry you abi wetin? I need real movers and shakers to apply for the position. I'm not asking for too much. How difficult is it to buy the Vera Wang & Manolo? I deserve it jo. lol @ normal people being asleep. That means you're not normal yourself – which is okay, of course…as long as you know it.
Danny Bagucci: Does that mean you're applying 4 the position then? *wink* lol @ certified kolo. So that's what you think of me, huh? LOL. Okay oh. I'm definitely considering a long term career in any kind of writing I am good at. Why shall I shy? If you say I am good @ satirical writing, then why not, if not?
Luscious Ron: LOL! Did I beg you to move any motion 4 me? The one I told you to do, you're saying you'll suspend it. Which kin quack lawyer you be sef? I'll fire you o. I want you to help me sue any bridesmaid that dares decline my offer. That's what I want you to do. I want you to move a motion for the goverment to garnish their wages. U fit do that one 4 me? Congrats on being top ten.
NaijaGal: Of course, I dey take VISA & Mastercard. U know I'm very understanding. I'll even take discovery, American Express, etc.
Afrobabe: LOL. As much as I'd like to slow down 4 you to win the award, I no fit!!! It's mine, baby. All mine!!! lol @ giving your tampons. Errr, who said the men will be hard? We will fold those things up abeg; we don't want anything poking outta their dresses. Naughty chile!
QMoney: You no fit change Bumight's mind 4 her ooo. This is an honor to her. I'm telling her that she can be my bridesmaid, so kini big deal? LOL
Sha: Thank you oh, my dear. My sentiments exactly.
WordMerchant: You think they're expensive? I don't think sooo oo. I mean, it's my wedding. It has to be Verastically fantastic. But you don't have to watch in the sidelines. You can be one of the bridesmaids, you know?
LOLO Bloggs: Do you really wanna know what I have planned for myself? Do you really wanna know? You're tempting me to blog ooo!
RocNaija: LOL! Good Samaritan. I hope you'll be filling one out for yourself too. And what I meant was the groomsmen are welcome to strip if they wanna. But now that you have put this other idea in my head, well, they're welcome to wear the gold metalic stripper shoes too. Who am I to judge any1?
Lol @ the guys as bridemaids . . . The triceps and biceps would rip off the bridal gown into shreds with the very first step and the wedding go scatter. . . crazily funny.
Erm…, Vera. I was happy at first when I didn’t see my name on your list of male bloggers invited to be your bridesmaid. All along I was thinking I would be the Bridegroom. That is the position I want to apply for.
sure, i will wear Vera Wang and Manolos and everything else you want me to wear.
did you read the part on my post where i said NOTE: the bride is responsible for all expenses!
i’m sure you did!
seeing as i have no flaws *cough*, I will still look smashing in any dress you want me to wear, Mr XXprexxion will take my picture (which i will frame) and dance all night!
so my dear Vera, I do!!! (ok, im not the bride)- I accept!
Who’s the bride? Vera?
LMAO!!! ur not serious o!
i, however, want to apply for the position of financial handler for Vera’s wedding. I don talk am o! all those $2000 aso ebi can be procured by me after you drop the cash :P, not to mention that i have Blahnik and Louboutin on speed dial π
lol….kai this list dey expensive o. only you Vera..only u
Writefreak: LOL. No dey chase my bridesmaid commot oh. Ah ah! Leave Bumight alone jooo
Arewa: LOL. No be Bridezilla oh. I just want my bridesmaids to be fashionable to the end, that's all. Sebi you're applying ni?
OluwaDee: Mommies are allowed oh. You can be nine months preggers sef and you're still allowed. But come oh, what are you trying to tell me sef?
Kafo: LOL. Ehn. But I can be having the dresses made and sewn before the engagement, can't I? Just wait & see.
Funms: Consider yourself appointed as a Verastic bridesmaid! You're willing to spend $100K on my wedding? Omo, I love you!! You are now a Verastic bridesmaid, and abeg, hurry up and hook us up with those connections you've got. lol.
QMoney: My dear, I kuku saw her comment oh. I don tell her say mommies and mommies to be of all shapes & sizes are welcome aboard.
CaramelD: LOL. What were you laughing @ exactly? Next time you start coughing & choking, abeg close my blog first. I don't wanna be summoned for questioning
Jaycee: Keep laughing o! LOL.
Original Mgbeke: Wetin dey wrong with drinking garri for the next five years – even ten years sef? You say it like it's a bad thing. Look, every sacrifice is fair and okay as long as it is being done for Vera. Sebi you don hear? If na granut you want 4 the garri, I fit provide that one.
Rosie: LOL! Look, live my Baltimore alone ooo. And don't worry, I'll be moving soon. Where you dey live sef lemme come and stay with you.
Woomie: I couldn't care less about your size. Wetin consign me with that one? The most important thing is that you pay your dues. Which excess donation are you talking about? Mind ursef oo! lol
Aribaba: I don't mind your hairly legs @ all; it's all part of the beaurry, abi? But which price are gonna be talking about? The one you'll be paying me abi?
Yeah. I actually did imagine myself as your bridesmaid.
You blog prolifically these days… what’s going on Nne?