All this time, I thought women were under so much pressure. Well, we are. We are under pressure to be skinny, wrinkle-free, spotless, and forever 21. Oh, let’s not forget the pressure of having breasts that don’t succumb to gravity, a booty that can hold a glass of water, a stomach as flat as an ironing board… you get the idea.
But I was going through my spam folder (for my verastic email), just in case any good mail ended up there, and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for men. My spam folder has been bombarded will emails calling for me to immediately enlarge my penis size. They must think I’m a man. Either that or they think I’m a shemale. Why else would my folder be flooded with crap like this?
I was really curious to open some of them, but I cannot imagine the kind of trojan horse that will attack my laptop, so I’m just gonna pass. However, their subjects are quite funny. Here are a few. My thoughts are in parenthesis.
1. The best way to prove your virility is to get a Submariner SS watch. (What the heck is a submariner ss watch???)
2. Impress Her In The Bedroom (I’d really rather not.)
3. Make Her Say Yes – 3 Tips To Getting Your Lover Into Bed (So these are tips to trick her into bed.)
4. Masturbation Myths (Tempting, but I’ll pass.)
5. Feeling Unneeded In Bed? We Can Change It To A Different Feeling (LOL! Honestly, I’m feeling unndeed in bed. Those stuffed animals do not appreciate my body warmth @ all!)
6. Your Time For Growth Enhancement (If you’re talking about enhancing what I think you’re talking about enhancing, then I’m sorry, I don’t have it).
7. From Now On, You Will Be Able To Please Any Size Queen (I don’t know if I should be pleased about this, but I’m not.)
8. She Can Have An Orgasm Just By Looking At Your Submariner SS Watch (Nawa o! What is this watch made out of biko? One thing is for sure: I have never, ever seen it.)
9. Thicker, More Muscular Manhood (For who exactly?)
10. Make An Impression Of A Lady From The Highest Circles (I don’t understand.)
11. Lion Power In The Bedroom (I’d prefer Lioness)
12. Shove Your Giant And Give Her Real Tension (I know this is supposed to sound dirty, but goodness, does it have to be so graphic?)
13. Now You Can Please Your Brand New Girlfriend Easily (Brand new, yes. Girlfriend, no.)
14. Your Super Mega Beast Will Grow Like On Yeast (I don’t understand, but I think ‘super mega beast’ and ‘yeast’ should not appear in the same sentence.)
15. Your Bulge Will Be So Noticeable You Will Have To Wear A Kilt (And where exactly would this bulge be located?)
16. Your Watch Will Understand You Better Than Anyone Else (This watch again???? I’m too afraid of trojans. Or else, I woulda googled it).
17. Women Love Enormous Tools, and Believe Us, That’s The Rule (Women, let your voices be heard: how true is this?)
18. Break Those Chains That Have Forged Your Manhood (LOL! This almost sounds like we’re binding the devil. Break those shackles!)
19. Now You Don’t Have To Look For Something To Cover Your Manhood When You’re Naked (Men do that? Eyaa. Poor them.)
20. You Can Have A VIP Male Toy Inside Your Pants (Please explain.)
Now, ladies, aren’t you glad you’re a woman??? Imagine if you were under so much pressure to increase your manhood, please her in bed, and make her have an orgasm just by looking at your watch. Boy!!! I’m glad I’m a woman.
Now all I have to do is figure out how to stay become skinny, remain spotless clean up all my spots, keep my breasts from falling have a breast reconstructive surgery, remain wrinkle-free, keep my flat tummy have surgery to take off some ribs and liposuction to flaten my stomach, plump up my butt (so that it can comfortably sit at least 5 people), and of course, remain 21 reverse my age to 21.
Yeap, being a woman is soooooooooooooooo much easier.
first!!!!!!!! yes o…. men r under pressure…. and all those emails just for u???????? hmmmmmm…. now im worried…. have an orgasm by just looking at a watch? thats another level
seems the whole blogville is asleep……..yay!!!!!!!!!! 2nd too!!!!!!!
Men under pressure? You don’t know the half of it. Lol!
Those e-mails are something else on all levels… Can’t stop laughing and shaking my head.
Now, this, is some serious stuff.
men are always under pressure and to be honest, women are under pressure? please! skinny women? thats what YOU pressure yourselves with. spotless and a breast and booty? no one pressures you into that, any man who does will be considered a ‘pig’. even though its not wrong to want a good loking woman
yes i believe from the last paragraph that u ended up concluding that we are under more pressure, because some guys still dont give women orgasms and dont even care if they do, they all live in d fantasy world that they are good in bed, msheww!!!!!
you can’t expect a man to be good in bed when your not good in bed yourself. lol women are never expected to perform, or pressured into produce espeacially when it comes to sex. hahahaha
Tell dem and keep teling them baby gurl, as they no even know.
B-b-but Vera, Shemales are sexy.
Hahaha……… Just use enable POP3 access for yor webmail and use a client like Thunderbird to download your email to your PC – the SPAM emails will not be downlaoded.. Sames me a lot of work deleting obviously senseless drivel!
Hahahahahaha…i recieve those mails…
There is this new one that is attacking my spam folder…
”dante…you have dirty girls in your area code in lagos..do you want to get a free
f@%k? Click here.” free wetin…abeg oh!
Pls..i want that magic watch…abeg! Lol
On BAMBINA, Brown Girl is sharing her antenatal experience & more. Please be sure to drop by. Plus, new contributors are still being sought, so feel free to add your own story. Visit http://idreamtofu.blogspot.com for details on how.
Shove Your Giant And Give Her Real Tension…..dont know why but that is really cracking me up…real tension as opposed to the fake one he has been giving??? Hahahahhaha..If I was a man women would have serious tension oh…they would know they had been with me…
And all this pressure is in the bedroom, now when you remind him of the bills, rent, upkeep, wardrobe, shopping, trips….Not easy at all to be a man…
Boys, I don’t mean you…
Lol!
I got all those e-mails too!
Hey, I still don’t think they are as pressured as us. You mentioned it all, except that we should preferrably be 100% hair free aswell through laser surgery or excruciating brazilian waxing…Grrrr
I won’t say enormous but feel able. No one wants to ask ” o bala?” Not everyone is Lexington Steele oh.
lol…thank god for spam folders
“immense pressure” indeed we all go thru immense pressure but personally i refused 2 b under this sort of pressure..especially as 9ja bloke….I said it!! LMAO
Adaeze soo true, hair free (although some men like a little hair to lead the way lol) and we women, Brazilian wax, aww that hurts!!
Abeg Vera when you find out what exactly that “watch” is, make you tell me? lol!
Who are you and what have you done with Vera?
oh my word u have mii laughing
omd, i cant stop cracking up.
“Shove Your Giant And Give Her Real Tension”. WTF!!!
Nice Vera, u have succeeded in putting a smile on my face.
Vera, wait till after a visit to the labour room before you conclude that being a woman is sooooooooo much easy,lol!
Nice blog though.
Uche
Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! Poor men. It is NOT THAT SERIOUS! Sheesh!
Yes, men have it sooo hard (no pun intended).
=)
Funms: My dear, I honestly don’t understand how the orgasms and the watch thing happens, but I’d love to find out. I’m very certain that I have never seen that watch before. Yes oh, blogville must be asleep.
Joanpeck: You’re right. This really is some serious stuff! The subjects of these emails are risque.
Optimistic Alyzzz: Hahahaha. Are you speaking from experience here? They don’t give women orgasms and don’t care if they do, ehn? Hehe.
Sassy Trends: I dey try ooo! I just dey try, dey try, dey try. Who no know go know.
Sugabelly: Hahaha. You’re a mad chic. Sexy ko. I don’t care how sexy oh; I am not interested.
Danny Bagucci: All these things you’re saying sound very foreign to me. I am so not a techie. Thunderbird? POP3? What are those? They sound familiar, but I know nothing of them. However, I’m willing to learn. I really wanna know more than I do.
Dante: Hahahahaha. Oh, boy… you for click na! Let’s know where it will take you to. One never knows. E fit just carry you go land you for Genevieve Nnaji door. Now, wouldn’t you love that? Oh, you want the free watch ehn? Hahaha. See your mouth.
FFF: I am innocent of the crime you’re accusing me of oh! I do nothing with the email address (and blog), but I think it receives so much spam because it’s a public address. As in, I have it listed publicly. Biko leave Dante alone. He wants to enjoy the pleasures of having an orgasm-inducing watch. I’ll drop by Bambina. Unfortunately, I have no baby-related stories to share – yet.
Afrobabe: LOL! For me, that line almost sounded violent sef. Shove it ke? Real tension. I don’t know. It’s not doing me yori yori in my body. Hahaha. Ko easy @ all to be a man. I completely forgot they have the burden of handling the bills sef. Poor them.
Adaeze: True that. I forgot. And we should always be beautiful at ALL times of the day. We should strive for perfection and never fall short of it; after all, we are women. Women are perfect.
Nice Anon: Hahahahahahahahahahaha. O bala?????? For those that don’t speak Igbo, that means ‘has it entered?’ Oh, girl.. that is just wrong! Hehehehe. This has just given me something new to blog about.
Scribbles: I know right! Seriously, thank goodness for them oh. Because this kin mail wey dey attack my folder… nawa
My Own Thing: LOL. Please explain. Are you saying that as a Naija bloke you don’t have to be under such pressure because (a) Naija blokes are so talented in bed (b) Naija blokes are hung like horses (c) Naija blokes already have the submariner ss watch (d) All of the above. Answer ooo!
Chayoma: LOL. My dear, I will surely tell you what the watch is oh. I am very curious! But I won’t google it from my laptop. Don’t wanna catch something.
Rosie: My sweerie… It is I! LOL. Don’t worry, I am very much around. How you dey?
Kafo: Oh, I’m glad you’re laughing. That was my intention. 🙂
Tigeress: Hehehe. Nne, no be me ooo. It’s the darn spam people that have been giving me reasons to laugh. I figured I’d share with the world too.
Uche: Oh, don’t worry about that. I intend to start taking epidural the moment I become pregnant, so once I’m in labor, the baby will just slide out and I won’t even feel it. Hahaha
Kemberly: Ah, apparently it is that serious for them ooo! They’re taking it that seriously. They have a watch to prove just how serious they are
Solomon Sydelle: Ah, you’re a baaad chic! No pun intended ehn? I find that hard to believe. All pun intended!!!
lol!talk about pressure
18. Break Those Chains That Have Forged Your Manhood
Chineke meeeee! as in they for juist speak in toungues at ones naw. Lol, na wah for breaking bondage hindering the growth and efficiency of manhood.
women have also joined the bandwagon of those under pressure -remember this article?
hahahaha… all the pressure seems to be sex-related… men!
I guess it takes some kinda reflection to come up with this idea. Men are under pressure not only with their manhood which is probably why some of them act like they have something to defend. A man is under pressure to be the chaser, aggressor, and still be sensitive…..i still say it, if i get to come back to this life, i love being the female I am even in our male dominated environment. we get some freebies
lol,lol…i was just wanderin to myself y i get all this emails n den i come to ur blog n u said d sam thin. i guess dey want us women to know dat men too re sufferin abi y else dey go dey bombard us wit sth of such calamity like jegede shokoya wld always say. btw, i’m really interested in ur radio show thin, holla if u need help
NO COMMENT…..
Na wah o. I wont be surprised if your spam box starts producing sperm!
lol at Afro…….seperating the men from the boys
spam mail cracks me up too
e no easy to be either…..
LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For the first time after reading a Verastic post, I am speechless…
you can imagine what we suffer…seeing that our lives have been reduced to the size of our dicks…wahala dey oh
…i posted something about this ages ago
i like dat—-forever 21!
haha they dont have it that bad jo…do they kno how much breast implants cost, ever tried to find out how much a brazillian bum lift costs??? hmmmm…do they know how much pain is involved in waxing the womanbits?? do they??? an 8days a week MAC habit is not easy o….mmmmabeg…if increasing their size and their pocket is the only pressure…they dont gorrit tht bad! moreover those two are interchangeable anyhow…if the Enzyme pills don’t work, get rich.girls will still come.tht simple.
Ewww @ number 12. Those spam emails gross me the hell out…gross..
“a booty that can hold a glass of water”… I wish!…and iron board indeed oh!
x!
Ferastika! lol.
Who said being a woman is easy. You need to see my big stomach and what i go through everyday to have the flat iron board shape.
Nne, e no easy oh.
Hilarious…
wats wit the watch…