Over the weekend, I came across an article on Punch Magazine that quoted Toke Makinwa as having allegedly said that women should snoop on their men because men are wicked. I don’t know if she actually said this, and if she did, I don’t know when: before or after everyone and their mama found out about her husband’s cheating. I can’t even decide which would be better because there does not seem to be a lesser evil here.
First of all, I have to disclose that I am not a fan or follower of Toke. No, I’m not saying that I don’t like her. I’m simply saying that I do not know much about her, and the little bit I know has not peaked my interest to find out more. Once, I attempted to watch a video of hers which was shared on Twitter, but I was turned off two minutes later by the accent. By the way, what the heck is wrong with Nigerian hosts and celebrities and their confusing accents? You can’t tell where the accent is from because I don’t think that even the speakers of the accent know where it’s from.
I try not to speak about celebrities in general – sometimes I fail – because I don’t always have something nice to say, and I have not forgotten that they are human beings, too – whose feelings also get hurt – so I don’t want to say mean things. But I digress. This post isn’t about Toke, it’s about snooping.
Snooping on your man, in my opinion is a terrible idea. If you have the need to snoop on your man, then you should have an honest conversation with yourself about why you are still with him. That said, there are two kinds of men: the one you are married to and the one you are still dating/getting to know.
For the man you are still dating/getting to know:
In the beginning, you need to especially do your research. Research does not necessarily mean going through his cell phone, and in fact, you probably should not be going through his cell phone as that would be invasion of privacy, and it can end the relationship before it even starts. But you should at the very least Google his name. Has he been to jail? Is he (or was he) married? Does he have children? Is there a week-old picture on Instagram of him boo’d up? What kinds of things does he tweet/post about? If you happen to be in his house, does he have signs of another woman being there – like a toothbrush, pair of heels in the hallway closet, a forgotten scarf somewhere? Does he decline his calls and/or pick them and run off to go whisper in a corner? By the way, declining calls could also mean a sign of respect or affection for you, not necessarily the baby momma on the other line.
As humans and women especially, we are blessed with intuition. Sometimes, you get that inexplicable feeling that something isn’t right. The problem is that most of us ignore it. But paying attention to that inner voice can save us from a lot of mess down the road. Now, if this is a man you have been dating for the past year and you are still snooping around and trying to catch him doing something, then you should probably not be with him. Either he has done something to make you distrust him or you are insecure and need to go work on yourself. Either way, there is something lacking.
For the man you are married to:
There are only two reasons you should be snooping on him: (1) He has cheated on you in the past and you are not over it yet or (2) He has developed new habits that are very unlike him (like coming home late, locking his phone and not giving you his password, disappearing for hours with no explanations, etc). If number 2 starts happening, anyone – male or female – would naturally be curious and snoop. If number 1 happens, it better be the first and only time. I mean, if your man is continuously cheating on you, you might as well stop snooping because if you have not left him yet, then you must not be planning on leaving him ever. So stay there and enjoy the ride and stop snooping.
Nigerian women – and women in general – tend to have this preconceived notion that men are wicked, that they are all dogs, and that they are all out to get you. This is not true, and it does not help anyone to think this way. If you have been attracting cheating men, at some point, you need to have an honest conversation with yourself about why you keep picking the same type of men. You are, after all, the common denominator in all the relationships. When I have a daughter, I will never teach her that men are wicked. If I do, then what does that say about her father and her brothers? And more importantly, what does that say about me – the one who married the wicked man?
“Nigerian women – and women in general – tend to have this preconceived notion that men are wicked, that they are all dogs, and that they are all out to get you” I don’t agree with this statement.And no snooping is a no-no.In Nigeria where google might not go into details about someone,would you classify checking on their social media activity as snooping? As for Toke to each their own,even as a regular person-not everyone likes you.Whether she has an accent or talks about relationship topic even if hers isn’t in tip-top shape.Thats her cup of tea and her hustle,people should just let her do her thing if it works for her.
u re vewi wise
Nigerians can be very competitive eh! Even in spiritual things.
Me: my head day pain me.
Colleague: your own small, my head, neck, waist, everywhere dey pain me.
FELLOW NIGERIANS
yes i checked ou your blog and it nice..
Snooping around is just the worst thing in a r/ship, like don’t a lady have better things doing than snooping, women tend to forget that no matter how you snoop and stalk on your patner, if he cheats he will still cheat on u, we women just need to ask God for the grace in any r/ship or marriage, women should also mind who they get r/ship advice from, even the toke that is giving r/ship advice how did it work out for her……. nice post by the way. Keep it up
“He/She who snoops will find what they are looking for”.
All that we need is actually inside of us, if you have a feeling that something fishy is going on, it probably is, instead of snooping why not ask your partner outright? Sometimes I think people snoop because their heart cannot believe what their head says is true. So they are in a way looking for evidence for their heart, that doesn’t make it right anyway you look at it. Will snooping and getting your proof change whatever decision you need to make? I don’t think so, because you already know what you will do anyway.
As for people who have a mash-up of accents, It is their own art form expression.
I probably wouldn’t (and hopefully won’t need to) snoop on my husband, because if I do, what will the information I get do for me? Make me feel better or make me think ‘Ha! Gotcha’. I just don’t know.