…. to my Mother!!!
Lately, Mom and I have been having couple fights. I’ve been trying to ignore them, but I cannot ignore then anymore. At this point, we just need to decide who will be the man between us. Mom has the bigger breasts. I have the bigger butt. Hmmph. This is not gonna be an easy decision.
Yesterday, she had a score to settle with me. I was about to leave the house in the morning when she decided to tell me what I had done.
Mom: I need to talk to you.
Me: Uh oh. What did I do?
Mom: There’s something you’ve been doing lately that I don’t like.
Me: What is it?
Mom: Why is it that every time you use the toothpaste, you don’t cover it back? You did it with the last toothpaste and I didn’t say anything. Now, I have bought a new one, and you’re doing the same thing again. Why?
Me: Uhm…
Mom: Let this be the first and last time you ever do it again. (Why say “let this be the first and last time…” when we know this wasn’t the first, and probably won’t be the last either).
Me: I’m sorry, Mom. Didn’t know I was leaving the toothpaste open.
Nawa ooo! This our relationship sha… What next? I’m squeezing the toothpaste from the middle instead of the bottom?? Well, I’ve got a few complaints of my own (although I did not bother to list them to Mom. She might have rewarded me with a classical Nigerian back-handed slap. I’m not too old to receive a slap from my Mom).
Complaints: Mom leaves her magazines littered all over the living room – even though she knows she’s done with them. Why not just put them in the trash as soon as she’s done? She’s always printing something – whether it’s one page or one hundred pages. They are always crap to me. When the trash can is three-quarter full, I’m ready to take it out. Mom, on the other hand, will keep putting stuff in it until it becomes too heavy for me to carry out. I’m not a weight lifter.
She’s always jamming the shredder. I keep telling her not to put so many papers in it. If she buys one more Obama magazine, we’re gonna have a problem. She does not put enough pepper in her food. She says I eat too much pepper like Yoruba people, and one day, all my front and side hairs will fall off like Yoruba people. Mom’s theory of the correlation between pepper and scanty hair remains to be proven. Funmi’s and Busola’s hair is full. Come to think of it, Funmi’s and Busola’s hair is chopping in front and on the sides. Hmmmm. Could Mom be right?
Last but not least, can somebori please tell my Mom that a du-rag is not a scarf. A scarf is not a du-rag! If I catch that woman wearing a du-rag outside one more time, there is no telling what I will be compelled to do to her and the du-rag. I can’t have my Mom looking all gangster when she’s outside. What next?? She’ll soon start blasting rap from her speakers and smoking blunts as she drives. Oh, LORD!!!
There are many other complaints, but these will have to suffice for now. Meanwhile, I have to find us a divorce lawyer because with the way things are going, we’re headed straight for divorce court!
P.S. Don’t forget Verastically Speakin’ airs on Saturday (July 25th) @ 10:00 AM U.S. EST/3:00 PM Naija time. We’ll be talking about the importance (or lack of importance) of the size of certain body parts. Yum! To listen to it on Saturday, just click HERE (or call 1-646-929-1905 to listen in and/or join the conversation).
firstttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!
the bumster is back!
now i see where ur obsession with butts come from!
lol,lol, lovers fight, how cute. vera u know its all love ehn, but as per yoruba girl, i beg to disagree oh, i ve front n back hair. mothers are just d sweetest pple in d world, even wen dey fight us over d most silliest of thins, dey re still our bestest friends.
first!!!!lol…
in my mind!
LMAO!!!!VERA U MADE MY DAY!!!!!
lol@ the correlation pepper and hair chopping!!!heheheh
lol.funny.
Lol, Vee, this piece 'weally' cracked me up! Yea, *rollin' ma eyes', some daugthers do gat them … and its even worse when u are an exact reflection of ur mum (my case for instance) … and u know what they say about different poles attractin, and like poles repellin … guess whoever formulated that law, had his mum in mind. π
p.s. hey! i was (finally!) able to download your debut on blogtalkradio.com … teeeeeew mad! well done and keep it up, babes! d sky is ur startin point!
free your mommy o! she no complain when you dey 'poopoo' for every wia o!
Ah… But Mr Shoes sef go complain about the toothpaste… so maybe its time to sort that out….. Hehehehehehe..
nwannem nwanyi, o di ka mama gi ne nye nsogbu! o jiri wayo biko…biko, gwa ya si, if o yiri du-rag ozo, e ge me ya disown…mgbe unu mechara divorce, e ga ekwe lu m?
LOL!!!
P.S i like lots of pepper and i still have hair.
LOL!!!
My mum just came and she's already started re-arranging my house to her 'needs' and well apparently my house is too small but we cant compare the London house to Africa's houses now…told her to me its a mansion..lol!
Lol I so get you! Me and my mum are like cat and mice..still love her tho!..:) loool @ the pepper thing! I still have lots of hair..:)
Your mom might just stumble on your blog :)and then…
i'm yoruba and I totally feel u on that pepper thing, like for real, simply classic!
imma tell my aunty that when next she overloads the soup with ata gbigbe(dry hot pepper)
lol…ur mama should be a comedian…pepper and hair falling out? totally unproven! Besides, I know some Ibo's who take more pepper than yoruba's…
Pls don't divorce ur mum oh…if she had divorced u wen u were in her womb, u for dey here dey shine?
Cheers
Lol! Vera! I just hope ur Mom doesn't read ur blog, cos if she does, still expect that Naija backhand slap to come any minute now…5…4…3…2…
Lol…your mum reminds me of mind, she once complained to be about leaving the toothpaste up…
Divorce is neeededd
Chei!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vera you dey look for trouble ooo, aw you go dey talk sey yoruba people head dey chop for front and side..lol
Wat kain of ronsense is dat wan as in ronsense not nonsense ooo..lol. Mchheewwww!
I use to have a naija southsouth housemistress, her hair ehn…chei! Na real waya..lol.
Though she got married to a yoruba man sha so maybe that's the reason of that kain of hair chopping, her hair too chop abeg…lol
Nice one dear..
xoxoxo
LMHO!!! I guess thats why i dont live with momsie cos God know she's drive me crazy. pele my dear.
Bumight: LOL. Kolomental. You don come again abi?? Congrats on being first, and ehm…. define "obsession." Who is obsessed with butts? And whose butt is the person obsessed with? Bumight, mind ya sef oo!
Big Heart: Send me a picture of your front and side hair, so that I can be sure that you really do have hair. LOL.
Gee: Hehehe. As long as your mind thinks you're first, who cares? LOL
Tinu: Aww. I'm glad I made your day. My dear, na my Mama talk that one oh (the correlation bw hair chopping & pepper). I must investigate.
TayneMent: I'm glad you're laughing ooo. We thank God.
Purple Streak: Hehehe. Babe, you know the funny thing? Mom and I are not alike. I'm more like my Dad. Oh, well. Sometimes, I can't just stop laughing @ the woman. There isn't much else to do. U finally listened to the debut? Aww!! Glad you loved it, honey. And a big, big AMEN to the sky being my starting point. Yes, ke!
JS12: Hahaha. You know what? I thought about the toothpaste thing being a problem in the future too oh. Chei…and to think I forgot to make sure that I closed the toothpaste this morning. *sigh*
Baroque: Hehehe. Nna, this your EglIgbo… onwe kwa k'odi! Odika I would really have to me ya disown because this durag embarrassment akali go my tolerance level. But m nuo gi, kedu ife'm ga gwa Mr. Shoes? O ga egbu kwa'm oo. Hehe π
Reverence: R u sure?!?! I need to see a picture of your hair and a picture of you eating raw pepper. After that, I'll believe you. π
Shona: Yeah, I know, right? The houses in Africa can't really be compared to the ones here, but they don't understand. LOL @ your mom rearranging the house. What r mom's 4?
Ms. O: All you people claiming to still have hair. I need to see a picture of the hair and a picture of you eating raw pepper b4 I believe you.
Blogoratti: Ha! No oh, biko. She ain't stumbling on this blog. I am very careful not to even ever open my blog on mom's laptop.
Yinkuslolo: Hahaha. Finally, one person that agrees that there is some correlation between pepper and chopping hair. Yinkus, I trust you!! I like you jare.
Anoda Phase: You call my Mommy's theory unproven?? How dare you?! U no dey fear face ni? Mind ya sef oo! Anyway, me sha, I like pepper. Can't say if my hair is falling out or not. I no go divorce my Mama oo. Too much love 4 that woman.
Kemberly: Stop wishing me bad luck oo! My mother will not run into this blog for any reason. LOL. I have received those Nigerian backhand slaps too many times, and from personal experience, I know they don't feel good.
The girl with the red hair: See?? Wait oh, are you sure your mom is not my mom? π
Sassy Trends: Hahahahahaha @ your house mistress. So you see what I mean ehn? Momsy fit be right oo. Maybe indeed, there is some correlation between hair chopping and pepper. Hehehehehe.
Tigeress: Hehehe. I see. My dear, it's not easy @ all oh. I still have mad love 4 her, but she needs to leave me and my toothpaste alone.
Vera,
my mum was like "why is it that u dnt tell me stuff? is it that u dnt trust me?" see me oh! Must she knw everything? lol
hOPEFULLY I make saturday
Hot topic
I think Funmi should be a co host soon. I enjoy listening to her comments, she is hilarious.
Vera, na wa for you o
This is so so funny……………
I hope your mum would not see this, 'cos she would be the first to file for a divorce
and mind your self about the Yoruba people's hair 'chopping'
Ah! You indeed both sound like a couple..well a fighting couple..lol
You bera not let your mum find this piece…you crack me up Vera..how're you?
Lovely couple! I am Yoruba and I love pepper hope your mum's proposition does not come true. Hey wait- My mum loves pepper and her she has a full head of hair!
Take it easy with your spouse o! If you need a divorce sha, your everly capable attorney is at hand. Just call me. xoxo
your mom sounds mega cool tres mega funky… lol – great post!
Verastic!!! you won't kill sumburri here o!
I didn't even read ur post, becausem y mind tells me you haven't cast ur vote for the son of the soil…and time is running out!
You aren't even spreading the word…abeg naaaaoooowww
*shakes head* not good at all
http://www.greatbritons.ba.com/users/1752
i set a target of 200 votes for you…
did i hear you say 'Yesss I can!'
Vote!!!
And get Mr. Shoes to vote too…
using ur facebook a/c is easier peasier!
Vera..abeg leave your mummy. BTW I saw your comments as an iReporter on CNN. Ha ha…dem even report ya age. chei…person don suffer for America.
Chayoma: LOL. My mom wants to know everything, but if you don't have that kinda relationship with your mom (like me, I don't have it), it'd be very difficult to tell her "everything," and "everything" usually means the boy-related stuff. Me, I'm shy oo! LOL.
Sting: Your wish might be granted tomorrow. In fact, your wish WILL be granted tomorrow. Unfortunately, Ezenwanyi might not make it. I don't know for sure yet, but whether she does or not, Funmi will be there.
Olunfunke: LOL @ minding myself. Wetin na? Pesin no fit talk again? Look, I am not responsible for the hair chopping of the Yoruba people. LOL
Write Freak: I'm well, my love. Thanks, for asking. And uhm, Mom and I might be enrolling in couple's therapy soon.
Luscious Ron: I have to see your mom's full head of hair to be convinced. And I have to see her eating raw pepper too. Not bell pepper oo! I am thankful that you, my ever capable and available lawyer are there for me – if I do decide to divorce Mom.
Soul: Thanks, babe!! I visited your blog. Loved it, but couldn't leave a comment on any post. Maybe your template is not working or something.
No Limit: Ah, definitely not. I no go kill pesin. Make you no worry. But it's all love oo. π
Woomie O: Your mind is telling you wrong ooO! I did vote for him – with my facebook account for that matter! LOL @ Yes, I can. Look @ you. U want put me for gbese abi? Mr. Shoes and I count as two people oh. No amount of weight and height gain will equate us to 200.
Rosie: I refuse to leave Mom alone oh. In fact, na she hold me sef. Per America, wetin man pikin go do?
her's a convo u r likely 2 hear between my mum and i
Me: mummy this one u r just boning for me is everything ok?
Mum: i should be asking you dat, i tried holding you in bed last night but you kept pushing my hands off
Me: ah but i was hot naw and u didnt want d fan on.
Mum: u really hurt me, i spent all night and morning wondering if i did anything wrong
Me: eh ya sorry, oya come and hug me. sweety mu, if i dont hug u who else would i hug?
Mum: i dont know o, i was wondering the same thing.
LMAO……….. now dat is Husband & wife!
lol…ur mom is a trip!!!du rag ke?lol
LMAO!!! ..your just one heck of a woman..This is way too funny–Too much pepper on one side and too much booty on the other side …lol..
I hope you can get some money if your mom decides to settle out of court..hehe
when i have a hard day, i just dash to your blog and when thankfully you have dropped a post – i settled down to it with a glass of sprite. you are a humourous genius!
tooo funny! Someone should allow mommy to read the blog then you wouldn't have to worry about receiving said backhanded slap and no oo no Vera pepper has nothing to do with receeding hairlines in Yoruba women…hmmm but then again my grams does eat a shipload of pepper and there is not too much left on her head so hmmm!
Cute story. I hope you and mommy enter into counselling o.