***Vera singing***
“I wanna wish you a merry Christmas/ I wanna wish you a merry Christmas/ I wanna wish you a merry Christmas from the bottom of my ha-art! Feliz navidad….”
While some of you might think that Christmas is just for celebrating the birth of Christ and his glorious entry into this sinful world of ours, there is actually something else that ought to be celebrated today: the upcoming of another EXTRA SPECIAL DAY – JANUARY 14TH!!!
So what happens on January 14th, you ask? If you have to ask, then you deserve 24 lashes of koboko. But because today is Christmas, there shall be no whipping. January 14th is the day that yours truly, (Yes, the Verastic Vera) turns plus one. You see, I wasn’t gonna come into this sinful world, but I thought, “If Jesus could do it, then why not me?”
So on one fateful night, thirty-eight weeks before Jan 14th 19XX, I was conceived. I know it was night because back then, they only used to have sex at night. I was placed in my mommy’s womb, and since then, she has been the proudest woman alive. Why not, if not? I am everything she longed for and more, if I do say so myself. Certain events occured while mommy was pregnant with me – like the day she was getting off the bus in London (or was it Russia?) and the bus driver moved before mom had completely stepped off, so mom went tumbling down – with me inside her! Mom and dad have always used that event as an explanation for why I turned out the way I have – whatever that means. I will take that as a compliment.
There is also the fact that I began to drink alcohol when I was a baby. It’s a miracle I don’t care for alcohol now. Yes, apparently, whenever I cried too much and dad couldn’t take it anymore, he put a few drops of alcohol in my mouth. That often sent me to sleep. He still hasn’t apologized for that. I wonder if it’s too late to sue him for child abuse. But I digress…
On this wonderful Christmas day, you ought to be thinking about what you will give the Verastic Vera for her birthday. Being the selfless, kind-hearted person that I am, I have compiled a list for you – complete with a mailing address! Please, pick any gift from the list below and send it to me. P. O. BOX 7893. Essex, MD 21221. United States of America.
1. Husband (If you know where he is, please send him to my P. O. BOX asap so we can go and get married. I have already found my wedding gown and the hall we’ll be getting married in. I’ve even picked the aso-ebi lace, and Funmi and Busola have prepared their speech. Oh, I’ve even found my ring; he just needs to pay for it).
2. Nikon D90 (The first DSLR camera that has movie functionality!! Been stalking it on Best Buy ever since. If I get this camera….I’m gonna be….I don’t even know what I’m gonna be. Dear God, please touch ye the hearts of my readers!!)
3. The new BlackBerry Bold. (Ever since I spotted this phone, I have not been able to stop picturing myself using it. Honestly, I’ll look so good using it. It fits my bold personality.)
4. Wii Game (Ever since I played this game @ a friend’s house, I have not been able to stop thinking about it).
5. This bag from Macy’s. (I love this bag from Macy’s; dunno why, but I do. Think it would look better in black).
6. Perfume: Pour Femme by Bvlgari (Haven’t been able to get my mind off it).
7. Perfume: Romance by Ralph Lauren (Been loving it since my Naija days)
8. Perfume: Miracle Forever by Lancome
9. Perfume: Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker
10.Perfume: Nina by Nina Ricci
11. Perfume: Vera Wang by Vera Wang
12. Perfume: Guess by Marciano
13. Perfume: Rock n Rose by Valentino
14. Perfume: Diamonds by Emperio Armani
15. Perfume: Gucci by Gucci
16. Perfume: Princess by Vera Wang
17. Alright fine, whatever you wanna send… (in addition to any of the ones listed above…hehehe.)
My dear people, though my birthday isn’t till next month, I have currently started accepting gifts due to the rush. For your sake (I know you wouldn’t want your gift(s) to be late), I advice that you send your gifts ASAP….in order to avoid the rush, of course.
***Merry Christmas!!!*** I’ll see you on the 28th of Dec 2008. I have some good news. But meanwhile, please enjoy my new note: Date Me Jeje, Date Me Tender
Vera, brodas are everywhere. Just ,marry one. they are d same, so dont wait for an angle cos u can’t please him. Out of d abundance in d heart, the mouth speaks; u need a man and I believe u can have him. Just believe and accept the ones that God has by his power made available to u either in ur church, skol, work place or neighbourhood. Stop waiting for those celebrities expect u want to add divorce ceritificate to be added to ur degree certificates in ur portmanto
vera my darling,
U really havent changed. Still ur bold self. love u always. Merry Xmas. Lets see if ur birrthday present will get to that essex pobox successfully.
Awww Darling…Merry Xmas and Happy New Year in advance! With that kind of list you have, Santa is definitely coming your way!
Merry Cbristmas and happy birthday in advance. I will definitely be sending u something but it’s not going to be anything on that list. You asked for it.
Since u obviously love perfumes, how about i send u “Ikechukwu by Sting”?
merry birthday….lol!
Merry Christmas. I think what you really need is some drops of vodka, and nothing more!
Laffing @ he put a few drops of alcohol in my mouth. That often sent me to sleep. He still hasn’t apologized for that. I wonder if it’s too late to sue him for child abuse!!!
Vera only you o! Merry Xmas girl…I think I’ll go with the first gift…I berra start arranging how to get it across!hee hee hee!!!
Temite: Merry Xmas to you too, love. Hope you have a fab time.
Ms O: I will fast & pray today. Kai, but e go hard oo. What if someone tempts me with peppery meat? You know I can't resist that. LOL. Okay, but I'll try.
Bumight: Baby, ah ah why now? How can you call this short list long? Stop it o. I don't like it.
Rethots: Merry Xmas to you too, love.
Anonymous: Na who dey wait for celebrity brodas?? I am no celebrity, so I have no reason to wait for one. As for the brothas in my neighborhood, well, that's easy for you to say. Have you seen them?? LOL. My love for meat will not make me call a cow my brotha abeg. If I marry the kind of men I have met so far, that means I should be expecting to catch him in bed with someone else soonest. Mba o. That is not my portion in Jesus name. When the man comes, I will know.
Calabar Girl: Ah, my gift berra get there successfully ooo. In fact, lemme go and warn all the post office people to make sure they guard my P. O. BOX carefully coz I'll be expecting some fragile packages! Love you too. *Vera blushing* I've always known you have a thing for me.
Buki: Thanks, love! Ah, I still dey wait ooo. lol.
Sting: Try it and I will show you serious pepper! Dem no born you well o. Which kin Ikechukwu? Isn't that your dog sef??? Hehehe *hiss*
Just Toluwa: Thank you darling.
Azuka: LOL. You're just a hater, that't all. You're a hater!!
No Limit: A promise is a debit, so you berra no disappoint me! I go sue ooo!
Hmmmm…Madame Vera, na wa oh….this one u didn’t mention the Range, has it arrived already?
EHen, i thot u were a Nokia fan, so why the blackberry?
Sha goodluck wit ur list.
Season’s greetings.
Vera! Merry Christmas!!!
One would think that you’ld just try to hide your kolomentality this festive season.
What a list!!! You’re soo imodest! lol.
In the spirit of Christmas, I have gift No.1 for you: my Taxation lecturer, he has it all; H-factor, a sexy noticable lisp, Range Rover (Okada Version), natural perfume (so feel free to cancel out 6-16), hunch back and Polio…and he’s one eyed! He should be arriving anytime soon!!! (I wanted to deliver him asap, he’s a Timer – as in he’s really old, so use him yl he’s still use-FULL!!!)
!!!Just in case you get too much of Gift No.10 – considering how many fans you have, feel free to share (*sulia accent* what are frends for?) I’ll give you my mailing address via facebook!
Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday in advance!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxo my darling friend!
Temite, you no dey sleep!!??!?
Merry Christmas Vera, I hope you had a wonderful and beautiful one.
Left a reply on my blog for you.. xx
Happy Xmas. I must not forget Jan 14th o or else Vera will disown me
He he he he…
Silly girl!
You are lucky I got Nina by Nina Ricci for Xmas. Will send it through Santa.
keep ur eye open at night darling!*wink*
Lol! Merry Christmas. As for your wish list…’May He give you the desires of your heart’ lol.
And whats the good news? You finally found someone who isnt repulsed by lactose-fuelled gaseous emissions?
Merry xmas to you too dearie, na wa for this your list o. Na wa o we both share something in common, my mum fell down from the bus too in London o so please show me some sisterly love, wink wink….
Husband is coming for us in Jesus name…let somebody e,g Vera shout halleluyah o for the husband that would love u tender and jejely…
Mizchif: You’re a very good student. One Gbosa for you! LOL. I didn’t mention the Range Rover because e don tey since I dey mention am and I never get am – not even a tire sef! LOL. I am still A Nokia fan, but I am currently using a Blackberry (Blackberry Curve) coz I couldn’t find a Nokia from T-Mobile that I liked. So now I’m also feeling the Blackberry Bold.
Woomie: I’m not sure where or how to even start insulting you. You want to give a whole me a man like that?? You no dey fear ooo! And just for that, you’re not getting jack from me. Don’t send me any yeye address on facebook oo! I will send the address back to sender! LOL.
Remi: Oh, you did? I’ll go read it. Thanks, darling. And marry Xmas to you too.
Standtall: Yes, I will disown you. You berra remember my special day.
Princessa: I’m waiting ooo. You berra send that perfume ASAP. Or else, I will show you pepper.
Doug: Mind yourself ooo! Wetin be your own sef? LOL. No1 is repulsed by it anyway! And you will have to wait for the 28th for the good news.
Oh my! You really have the “blame your parents for everything wrong in your life” thing going eh? Nne abeg tell me how to do it, cus my parents are sneaky. Plus, how in God’s name can you think of your parents having sex without running to the nearest shrink. Eeeww!
merry christmas dear’
merry xmas
Rosie: It’s quite simple (how I do it, I mean). I am my own shrink. LOL.
LG: Nne, merry xmas to you too. Hope you had a fab time.
JagudaL Merry Xmas, love. Hope you had a good one.