It’s not funny anymore.
Seriously, it is so not funny anymore. I have had you for YEARS now. Your first owner, Funmie gave you to me several years ago, and you were exactly this size when she gave you to me. The only difference between then and now is that you have collected dust and dirt from sitting on my dresser, untouched.
I am hurt that no one – man, woman, child, beast, or stuffed animal – has even glanced at you and raised an eyebrow. For years, I have thought about all the fun times you, I, and someone else could have, but for years, no one worthy has shown his face, so on my dresser, you have remained…looking at me, looking at you.
I have taken the liberty to study your label today. Apparently, you’re scented. Scented, huh? For a scented oil, you stink! I don’t know if you stink because you have been sitting on my dresser for years or if you stink because you have always stunk, but either way, you stink. Well, you don’t stink that badly, but you stink – for a scented oil.
At the beginning of this post, I mentioned that Funmie gave me this massage oil. At this time, I know you must be wondering any, some or all of the following:
1. Why on earth did you take a hand-me-down massage oil from Funmie?
2. Why did Funmie even give the massage oil away? Was the problem with the oil or her partner in crime (who could either have been the massager or the massagee. Yes, the term Masseuse does come to mind at this time, but massager makes for a better Verastic term. You know how we at Verastic dot com can be.)
3. Forget about why Funmie gave the massage oil away. The better question is who did Funmie use the massage oil with? In other words, who was the mysterious massager/massagee?
4. K.Y. huh? What else does Funmie have from K.Y.?
These, of course, are your questions – not mine. This is not me projecting my questions on you. Nooo!! I wouldn’t do that. That said, does anyone know the recipe for frying plantain and cooking stew with three or four year old massage oil? And if you do, send it along with the antidote for eating such a meal.
~ Written in a state of euphoria + ecstasy. Nwoke Ocha is back from the hospital. And they did not mess with his hard drive. Life, after all, is good.
*Wink, Wink*
ahahahaha!!!!! MAssage Oil! I have one on my dresser too, and yes, the bottle right now is full of dust. Mine is chamomile. I wonder now how i got that bottle in the first place. must have been given, but i cant remember by whom.
hope you'd use your 'oil' soon. hahaha!! 🙂
V, I was at a church service some years back,when in the middle of a prayer session the Man of God(G.O) made an Alter call, 'If you are here in this meeting and no Man/Woman has ever told you, I LOVE YOU or I WANT TO MARRY YOU' please find… your way to the Altar, there is a problem in your foundation, all eyes closed'. I thought deep in my heart what a joke, how could that be, but to my greatest surprise and disbelieve i started hearing moving feet of people running not walking to the Altar, i had to open my eyes and to my rude shock and amazement there where over 20,000 adults who had gone to the altar for deliverance n prayers.
Don't blame the oil.
Some serious prayers may be needed.
Lol, why you come spoil the poor oil finish nah?
If you no use am abeg dash somebodi…
oh my word this is beyond hilarious
i have none of those questions oooo
they are yours oo Vera
my only question is
How long do you think it will take you to dial 911 after eating this concoction
hmmm
i wonder
@Sassy Trends,hear hear!!
lol @ massager/massagee…verastic terms indeed…lol
u've imposed questions on us readers so no need to ask any of our own, hun? lol
Anyway, spare the poor massage oil…at this rate, u either keep it as a souvenir, or u thrash it…as for that recipe, my hand no dey oh…lol
Verastic, e don tey…no be today when I sabi say you be kolomental!!!
Tew funny!
lol @ Micheal story!
nd i agree with nolimit…nor be today wen we sabi sey u dey kolo for ur post.
nd u dare write at the begining say "it is not funny?"..
ok true..it is just hilarious vera!
Vera, na whick kain person dey take hand-me-down massage oil????? Haaa, that funmi girl sef get as e be…
On anoder note – why Mr Shoes no make use of the de oil? E want make we vex for am?
Abeg dash person wey need the oil
Jabez: I doubt it! At this point, it seems to be very risky to use this oil for anything. In fact, sitting on my dresser alone might be dangerous to my health. LOL. Yours has been there for so long that you don't even know where you got it from, huh? Hehehe.
Michael: Hahaha!! I cannot believe you just said what you just said. Wetin you mean sef?? That I, the Verastic one, am in need of prayers for someone to massage me??? Ah!! Michael… you don mess up!! Kai… but G.O. sha!! That kin prayer sef! Naija people love prayers oo. We'll take it anyhow, anywhere, anytime, and for any reason. Trust na…
Sassy Trends: This oil is no longer fit to be dashed at this point. Pesin fit sue me for dashing dis kin oil out na. Abi u want? 🙂
Kafo: All this shakara you're doing is so unnecessary ooo. U don't wanna admit that you were thinking those questions abi? As for the "concoction," I wouldn't need to dial 911 at all if I just take the anecdote right after consuming said concoction. See? I have it all figured out. Wanna join me?
Blogoratti: Hear, hear @ Sassy Trends abi? U dey here dey support evil abi? I see you oh. I'll doJust Doyin: Imp my own back. Be warned. LOL
osed questions on you ke? Nooooo!! You know I wouldn't do such a thing. That would such a silly thing to do. Hehe. I simply asked the questions I knew you were itching to know the answers to. And which yeye massage oil are you suggesting I keep as souvenir? Souvenir of what na?
No Limit: This one no be a matter of kolomental oo. This is a matter of serious that deserves urgent attention. How you wan see am?
Gee: Ah, it is not funny at all oh!!! This one is a serious matter. How can a fine babe like me in the prime of her youth (if I do say so myself) be unable to use common massage oil?? Sacrilege!! This is simply unheard of. Don't mind Michael & No Limit. Dem no dey serious @ all.
Rosie: You have spoken wisely!! Nne, I don't know why Funmi dashed me USED massage oil oo. More perplexing is why I even took it sef. As for that kweshion about Mr. Shoes, in fact, he's the only that fit to answer am. You were his favorite co-host from that our show, so I doubt if he'd want to vex you. He fit try am? Mba nu! Meanwhile, I keep wanting to announce your new blog on my post and I keep forgetting. **sigh** Biko, gbaghalu'm. I'll mention it in my next post.
The Girl With The Red Hair: Okay, sebi you wan make I dash you the oil then? cause me, I don't have anyone to dash it to (and I don't even think it's fit for dashing sef.) But if you want, I go give you oh.
How did you know that all those questions came to my mind. But ughhh if the oil stinks.
You are hilarious. I pray you get someone to use the oil with, at least one that smells better anyway.
as soon as i saw the KY brand i was like…Haa Vera, But i guess i shld forward all my questions to Fumns then…unless u don use KY product u neva yarn us…
still want to knw what's so special abt their stuff.
plantain ke? u wan die? lol
Wow I was looking at my bottle of masssage oil today and thinking the exact same thing lol!!!! Okay let's start a club or something. (you know what's worse, I bought the darned thing myself)
Myne Whitman: I just knew!! You know I have a way with these things. Hehe. Now, aren't you glad I answered all your questions? U can thank me later. Yeah, real ugh for the stinking oil.
Anonymous: Thanks!! Definitely one that smells good. This one is out of the question. I have decided that I would repackage it and give it to Funmie as her birthday gift next year. Great idea, no?
Chayoma: I never use K.Y. product oo. Na Funmie dey introduce me. Actually, there's this body wash of theirs that I used. Come to think of it, I used it at Funmie's house, so yes, you should definitely direct all questions related to K.Y. to Funmie.
Poetically Tinted: Yes, let's start a club: My Massage Oil Is Older Than Yours. LOL. Now I feel a little better – at least I didn't buy my own massage oil. LOL. I've never bothered to buy massage oil. Boy, I need to be different. But why does one need massage oil? Why can't you just use groundnut oil or something? Oil na oil abi?
thank god 'nwoke ocha' is back. twas not funny for me when i had to send in my laptop for repairs whilst in school.
ah, Vera your 'nwoke ocha' is a sony product. so sony take your money then turn round come yab Naija for their PS 3 ad..
Lmao @ using it for fried plantain..hahaha! Seriously tho, what happened to Mr Shoe? Can't he make good use of the oil with you?
Hiya, I can't comment about the massage oil. So I won't. However, I rejoice with you on the return of your 'Nwoke Ocha'. Especially as I have been informed that 'my' laptop is going on leave from the 10th to the 30th of September. And I don't know how …..Enough about me, enjoy your reunion.
This is probably THE funniest thing I've read in a WHILE! Im choking myself with laughter out here! lmfao!
http://say-bleurgh.blogspot.com/
Vera, I shall be visiting you in a forthnight and do not worry we shall make use of that massage oil. You shall be the massager and I will be the masagee. LOL