Among my Nigerian people, in the issues concerning gender and tribe, there is covert sexism and tribalism. Even women are sexist against other women and against themselves. Yes, I’m Igbo. Yes, my husband is Yoruba. But now that we have a child together, Nigerians are telling me that my daughter is Yoruba. No, sir. No, ma. My child isn’t Yoruba. She is an Igbo-Yoruba girl.
My Igbo-Yoruba girl
Long before I ever met Igwe and before I knew that my husband would be Yoruba, I had made the decision that my children’s first names would be Igbo. I figured that if my husband was Igbo, he probably wouldn’t mind, and if my husband was not Igbo, then he should not mind since the baby would have his last name anyway. I distinctly remember Funmie telling me that I would never, ever find a Yoruba man who would agree to give his child/ren first Igbo names. This is one of the many times I’m glad I didn’t listen to Funmie. Other times were when she recommended some Nigerian movies and said they were great. Glad I didn’t listen.
I’m not trying to take anything away from fathers, but the reality is that mothers do the most. Until men can help women to at least carry the pregnancy – even if for a minute – I will continue to say that mothers do the most. But after a woman carries and delivers the baby, she is now told that she’s the mere mother and that the child actually belongs to her father.
If I had a dollar for every time that people have said or implied that my child is Yoruba and that the Igbo in her is insignificant, I could buy myself that new gadget I’ve been eyeing. “Ah. No oh! This one is Omo Yoruba!” they laugh. Who is laughing with them? And when I introduce my daughter, Ada Verastic by her Igbo name, people are confused. “But I thought her father is Yoruba?”
Yes, he is. But her mother is Igbo.
Hmm! Ah. Okay oh. Na wa o.
People carry on as if I’m just her surrogate mother, as if my child does not have my blood, and as if I simply did Igwe a favor by helping him to carry his child (and now I’m here to also simply take care of the child for him). Long before I ever knew of the word feminism, I was already unconsciously uncomfortable with the [Nigerian] female narrative. I was – and still am – uncomfortable with being relegated to the back, simply for being female.
If I ever were to find myself with a group of astronauts discussing life as astronauts, I wouldn’t have anything meaningful to contribute to their conversation because I am no astronaut, but for the issues that concern me and/or my daughter, yes, I have a lot to say. I’m not raising a Yoruba girl. My daughter will be introduced to the good parts of both cultures. End of discussion.
And while we’re on the subject of not raising a Yoruba daughter, I am also not a Yoruba wife. But that’s a story for another day.
Girl, I completely understand. I am married to a non practicing Muslim and I am a fully practicing Christian but his family always manages to tell me that our child would be a Muslim because that’s the father’s religion.
I find that completely baffling because this man has completely relegated his Islamic ties and considers himself spiritual , yet, apparently, we will be raising a Muslim child.
While there is nothing wrong with being a Moslem, I just find it weird that my religion is insignificant to them simply because I am the mother.
I have already told them where to stick it but it still pisses me off every freaking time.
Ps: we are not even trying to be pregnant yet but still..
Loooooooooool!11 All this argument and the baby isn’t even conceived yet. Imagine what will happen when he/she is born.
Trust me be ready to stand your ground and fight till the end. With the 1st child it’s always a controversy and sometimes even when the father is not a practicing Muslim you will be surprised how easily he can be swayed by family. If you can win the battle for the 1st child you are good to go for the rest.
My sister was in the same situation. My parents clearly told in laws she will not practice Islam before she got married. When the 1st child came, bro in law was totally different for someone that cannot even fast for 1 day. Compromise was reached, naming ceremony was done by sister and her husband Christian way, Hubby family did naming ceremony Muslim way. Child was given both Christian and Muslim names and bears a Yoruba name as 1st name. They are both Yoruba. This set the tone for the other children. It was also easier because sister and hubby live outside Naija.
I share your sentinments 100%.
Thank you, Lady Ngo. I’m glad you do.
My sister, African values are so strong.
I have no problem with the good ones.
It is the bad ones I have a problem with.
I refuse to be relegated to the background. What happens in the background sef?
I suffer the title of being called a career woman. I’m a proud Christian woman with a successful career and a successful family life, at least, it will be successful when I agree to start one.
Till then I have a successful career and a successful family carried on the wind of God’s Spirit.
Cheers jare. She’s igbo-Yoruba, even if she has to correct misconceptions all of her life.
Lol. That is exactly the issue, the bad values/traditions that people are still following and holding true. And yes to your successful family! Speak it into existence.
At the end of the day you’ll raise her the best way you know how and it doesn’t have to be the ‘Yoruba’ or ‘Igbo’ way, it is the Verasitc way, simple! Go you girl! x
Yes, indeed! Thank you, Tola.
Most times children are only allowed to associate with their maternal side when there are opportunities to grab.Then at other times they are completely from their paternal side. Though I think it might be a bit easier for you because you’re not living in Nigeria & Ada Verastic wasn’t born here either. If not it would have raised a lot of issues. This is why some women, to avoid it all only marry from their ethnic group. Other women don’t help matters either by completely forgetting that they had identities before marriage & are so willing to drop anything associated with their origin.
It will only raise issues when the parents, especially the father, allows issues to be raised. And I completely agree about women who completely forget themselves and their identities.
i trust you…people who are not global in perspective and do not know the essence of their existence will argue with this. But i respect you for being an example of good humanity. Go girl!
Thank you very much, Jenny Chisom.
Girl, I’m with you 110%!!!
I know a lady who is Igbo and her husband is from a different tribe in Nigeria as well. None of their kids has an Igbo name, not one. I just wish our people would embrace the beauty of raising a child in such a rich combination of languages and cultures, but no. We no gree, we no gree, and the cycle of division continues.
Kudos to you and Igwe, Ada will have the best of both worlds. <3
I know some woman like that too. And she has told me clearly that her children are Igbo (she’s Yoruba). What kind of nonsense is that?
Wow!! What a read!! I think you captured and highlighted the issues of why culture is good and bad at the same time. I love my culture and the customs and some traditions! My issue is we the people should have a say so as our culture, traditions, and customs evolve, we should also evolve with the current times and not be stuck in the old ways of things which is not applicable to the current time! Stand your ground!! At the end of the day what truly matters is you raise a well-rounded daughter who is proud of her heritage and identity!
Gbam! Thank you oh, Kachi. That’s part of our problem. We are growing, buying the latest cars and phones, but our culture and traditions are still in the dark ages. People do things just because that’s what people do, even if it doesn’t make sense.
Lmao!.. as I started reading, the first thing that I thought was…Vera get out of my head!!..As an Igbo babe with a Yoruba husband, I can definitely relate. as far as I am concerned, my son and future children are YORIGBO shidren!..when i say my son is half caste, my friends laugh and think I have lost it, but I will not come and do all the work and not be recognized!..mbakwa
Gbam!!!! I’m glad I’m not alone in this. Biko continue to tell them. Let them call you crazy all they want.
Vera, my Igbo ex tried to make it seem as if my son is not half his mother. I set him and his people straight. I hate when our people do this. Do not recognize the mother’s side of things (whether same ethnic group or not). Funny thing is, “mother’s side” of the fence always comes with less issues.
I’m glad you set them straight. People need to know that mothers aren’t there for decoration. They act like the baby could have still been conceived without the mom’s egg. *HISS*
Hmmm, I know many Nigerians with parents from different ethnic groups and they have names that indicate their “mixed ethnicity”. I think this practice is actually more common than not. It’s therefore interesting to me that you have so many people telling you otherwise.
Manny, it’s not just about having both names, it’s also about what name comes first and what people know about her cultural background. If you knew nothing else about Segun Arinze, you would know that he’s multicultural. If his name, however, was Chike Arinze, you’d never know then. So a lot of multicultural Nigerian kids have both names, but the first name is usually wherever the father is from.
verastic vera, mama sexy legs. lmao to u are not raising a Yoruba child. yes oh I totally agree it is a fifty fity thing. u brought the egg he donate sperm u then carry the pikin for long hard core months and then people have the nerve to say rubbish. we the newer generation are the ones that has to debunk some of the ethinic practices the plague us. i love that we are very cultured people but some ones doesn’t quite work anymore in the 21st century world abeg. I told my hubby my kids have to join an Igbo group and they are like the are delta kids as if we are not one Nigeria. abeg no be just the niger bridge seprate Igbos from delta#delta-igbo the hypenation stands for the bridge just saying. any how my dear I think u both are doing a nice job of blending the culture. and keep up the good work of rasing a yorigboian.
Thank you so much, Nuella!! People forget that while Nigeria might be one nation, we are still multicultural. No wahala sha; I will continue speaking my mind and telling people to mind their lanes.
I ama Nigerian married to a non-Nigerian and when people hear my children’s names they are shocked because their names are very Nigerian and following the expression of shock are comments like
‘Wow! This woman your strong head is too much! Why are their first names not English names’
‘Hmmmmm … So your husband even ‘allowed’ you’. 0_o
‘Can their father pronounce their names?’
‘Do their grandparents call them by those names?’
The list of inane comments is endless. In African women add generally seen as chattel, a means to an end
I say they should live my children o, their father and the in-laws are quite alright and besides I think it gives their names character and would make good conversation starters in future.
Girrrrrllllllll …..!!!! Don’t get me started on the “your husband allowed you bit …” Rubbish!!! I need to write an entire post on that. Please don’t let people tell you about your children.
Well said Vera! The funny thing is all these people talking will be very quick to acknowledge both sides of a mixed race child “sheis half English and half Yoruba but not acknowledge a half yoruba half Igbo child as being such. The only difference between a mixed race child and other intertribal children is the race factor other than that they are all mixed culture or multi cultural kids. Well said Vera well said! Can’t wait for the Yoruba wife article hehehe
Thank you, Pendo!! I completely forgot to add that bit about the mixed race kids. You know Nigerian people don’t value our own stuff. Thank you so much for reading!
Very educative Vera, our culture is really evolving and we should move with the tides. You have as much right to your child as your husband and so she should be raised to understand both cultures. A child’s maternal link shouldn’t just be cut-off be is the father is from a different tribe. I love this post.
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I admire the way you put your foot down on issues concerning identity. Totally legitimate for your daughter to answer to a name from your Igbo side. I am very sensitive to issues about identity as well. Especially tribal identity. It matters GREATLY. So cheers to you and yours.
I agree with you 100%. Some will even state the father has the right to name the child. I keep saying not every part of culture is good. It was man made, choose the one you like or suits you and leave the rest. I can’t even count how many arguments and little battles I have fought and won with my own family ooo not even my in laws when it comes to this children matter, naming children and the likes. I will keep fighting and winning sha, it’s my life. Thank God for hubby that shares similar passion with me.
LOL! Vera, is it Yoruba people telling you this or Igbo people?
By the way, not sure there’s such a thing as a “female nigerian narrative” – As I’m sure you know there are many cultures in Nigeria and no one size fits all narrative. For example, some would argue that Muslim, Hausa women in the North have more rights than Igbo women when it comes to issues of inheritance, and divorcing a bad husband. Some would also argue that Yoruba women are more emancipated than Igbo women on issues of inheritance and respect (Yorubas value age more than gender and women can hold chieftancy titles). Some would say the Igbo women are more free than Tiv women or that Igbos are more democratic than others. It all depends on what the issue is I guess. With over 200 cultures, I just think we should be more specific given that you have non-nigerian readers