Although I have always known it, Funmie also always confirms it. It’s the intelligence of my Sweet Potatoes. Una get sense die. And although I cannot prove it, I’d like to take credit for it. No, not taking credit for your intelligence, but taking credit for attracting intelligent readers. Whether you agree with me or not, I have taken this credit, and it helps me sleep better at night.
Image taken by Bashir. Find him onTwitter
So, when I shared my story about how my marriage ended, I got so many emails. I actually have not stopped receiving emails and direct messages. One of the emails came from “A Sweet Potato.” That’s what she literally called herself – A Sweet Potato – although the name attached to her email address was different.
She sent me an email that humbled me. She just finished me and did not leave any stone unturned. With her permission, I am sharing this finishing moment of my life. This email was in response to the email I sent out to the Swee Potato Insiders. I sent a condensed version of my divorce story to my Sweet Potato Insiders before I published the full story. I’ll always share big things with the insiders first, so, please, join us at the end of this post.
Meanwhile, the unedited finish-me-kpata-kpata email is below. It was sent on January 4th 2020.
Vera!I guess I am not shocked about the divorce. Figured out from your blog, but the why? Now, that’s shocking. But then again, for a Yoruba boy, not so shocking. They are Ijebu if I recall.I remember when you would blog and vlog about the weird things your ex-mother in law did. For some reason, I worried about you and the exposure. To others it might have seemed it was all in good humour, but I worried about how him and his family might perceive it. That maybe you were mocking them, but I thought well since you blog about it he must be fine with him. It never sat well with me though, but then again, I am not much of a sharer.I say this to people around me, it’s easier for a woman to marry up than for a man to marry up. A woman will do whatever she needs to do to fit in, but a man! That’s when his ego will set in and he will want to prove he is a proper village man. You used to hint that your ex was not on your level, exposure wise. It was not until you mentioned his mother could not speak English and I read about your childhood that I figured out why. Then I worried some more about you.
Sometimes we believe since we’re all educated and studying or living abroad, we are equals and background doesn’t matter. It does! Especially, for women. I have seen one too many female bloggers with their partners and thought nah, that’s an unequal pairing. I have been proven right on many occasions.Going forward for you, if there’s one thing I want you to bear in mind, it is that class matters. By class, I don’t mean money or wealth, I mean exposure. By exposure, I don’t mean well travelled oh, I am talking about mindset. How they think. What they value. How they speak. How they carry themselves. The people they associate with. Their hobbies. Their attitude to issues. Are they conservative or liberal?From what I gather having followed you for many years, you are well exposed. Liberalised and open-minded to an extent I believe. Remember that always. If you ever for a second, think you are in any way better than your partner, or that he is not the type you would usually date, think twice. That said, I know a lot of men at our level of exposure can be rather badly behaved, but it’s no excuse to date down. Never date beneath your social standing biko.I am glad you came out of this whole and in one piece.
Love always,Sweet potato
Sweet Potato,You have just finished me in this your email oh. And I love you for it. You have said things that took me too long to figure out. I thought, I love him and he loves me, so that’s all that matters. In the future, I will write about the many lessons I learned from my marriage. Can I one day share your email on the blog and respond to everything you wrote? I won’t mention your name, of course.Seriously, thank you so much for this. I’ll be telling more on the blog on Monday.
Yours truly,
Vera Ezimora
Hi Vera. I’m almost ashamed to say this, I’ve never listened to any of your podcasts to the end. I’m a bad listener, 2 minutes and my attention shifts, don’t get me wrong, not that they are boring but I just prefer reading. I can read a 10 page long post without flinching or watch a whole season of a series without blinking buy listening mbanu. Probably why i hate radio…. I don’t know if its just me or they are other people on this table
Ebere, as the hose of the podcast, I’d love for you to ferociously consume all of my content. However, I understand where you’re coming from. Just like some people would rather consume via YouTube than read or listen to a podcast. What matters most is that you’re here consuming my content. Thank you!!!
Hi Vera,
I have read your blog for years now. I have a couple of questions for you
1) how did with the guilt after your divorce
2) How do you deal with talking with friends ?
3) were you ever scared?
I am asking cos I face similar and I am scared to death.
Hi K! Thank you for reading!!! I’ll gladly answer your questions:
1) I don’t feel guilty about my divorce at all. Every now and then, I would be concerned about my child and what I’d tell her when she’s old enough to understand. The reason why I don’t feel guilty – in case you’re wondering – is because I was in a bad situation, and how can I feel guilty for taking myself out of a toxic situation and demanding more for myself and my child? Mba nu. I’m free, love.
2) My close friends – Uju and Funmie – were a part of the entire process. They supported me all the way, and they were always available when I needed to vent. Make sure you surround yourself with people who know you and uplift you. Be prepared to lose friends. Some people will tell you that they are for you, but their actions will say otherwise. So, be prepared.
3) First, I’m sorry that you’re facing a similar situation. That is never fun or easy, but know that it will get better eventually. And yes, I was afraid. Before I started, I didn’t even know how to start. I knew nothing about attorneys or divorce or custody, etc. I pretty much figured it out as I went along. I didn’t know how it would end, and I had many, many moments of being frustrated and breaking down. But after each breakdown, I’d wipe my tears and get back on the horse. It’s okay to be afraid, but if this is what you must do, then you must do it. I wish you well, K. Please feel free to reach out privately to my email if you have more questions or just need to talk/vent. God bless you.
Hi Vera,
Thanks for the reply, you are a really strong woman. Hope to be this strong when the time comes .
K,
You’ve got this! It will be all okay.