I know a man. For the purpose of this post, let’s call him Paul. Paul apparently knows exactly how America is breaking our homes, and my marriage is a perfect example. I will not give too many details about Paul because I know that people who know him read this blog. I’d tell you that Paul is Nigerian, has lived in America for over two decades, has a good job, and is very formally educated. Paul also knows The Boy I was married to.
One day, Paul and I were seated, talking, and he inquired about The Boy. I very happily told him that The Boy and I were no longer married – although I was yet to file for divorce at this time. He asked what happened, and I very confidently told him everything, knowing he would understand. I mean, he was exposed, right?
How America is Breaking Our Homes
To my shock, Paul shook his head and said how tragic it was that America was destroying our [Nigerian] homes. Huh? He went on to explain that women these days are so quick to leave their marriage, that women are no longer patient, that women no longer know how to be married, and that America is apparently the cause of all this. Women come to America and they get involved with the wrong crowd (read: African American women) and they teach our otherwise good women bad, bad things, and our good women call the police for their husbands over little disagreements, and so, yes, America is breaking our homes.
Sir? Did you not hear what I said about The Boy being physically violent and flying juju from Nigeria to my home in America? Did you not hear the part about his mother, The Witch acting like both of us were dragging boyfriend?
RELATED STORY: How My Marriage Ended
Oh, yes, he heard it. But he did not believe in all that juju stuff, he said. And was I sure it was juju anyway? Because it sounded crazy that someone as enlightened as The Boy would bring juju. The Boy was formally educated, I told Paul, but it did not mean he was enlightened. Formal education and enlightenment can be mutually exclusive. “But did you tell him not to hit you again?” Paul asked. Now, this one made me erupt in a kind of ruckus laghter. Did I tell him not to hit me again, ke? (A) That’s not how this works, and (B) That’s not how this works.
Oh, but it is! Paul argued. You just tell him to stop and he’ll stop. What I stopped was arguing with Paul because I quickly realized what a waste of my time it was. One of the many things I have learned from this ordeal is the importance of my story and the truth of it. Before I shared my story, I knew that not everyone would believe or support me, and I was perfectly okay with that. A person’s lack of belief, support, or understanding does not take anything away from me or my story. I said what I said, and I stand by it. Not everyone is meant to understand it, and that’s okay.
On the issue of the juju, Paul tried to make me understand that even if The Boy brought juju, the thing was powerless, and the evidence was in the fact that I was doing even much better than before. I did not have to leave The Boy on account of the juju, Paul said. But when dining with the enemy, Paul reminded me that I needed to dine with a long spoon. My response was, how about I just don’t dine with the enemy at all? Why would I want to be married to someone I considered my enemy? And why would I continue to dine with said enemy? It is counter-intuitive and counter-productive to be married to an enemy. Now, those two are definitely mutually exclusive. You’re either a husband or an enemy, but you cannot be both.
Let’s dissect this notion that women no longer know how to be married. They are not patient like our mothers and our mothers’ mothers. Anyone who thinks that a woman who chooses not to be tortured in the name of marriage does not know how to be married is a wild animal who needs to be locked up somewhere and not be allowed to procreate, lest he/she birth more animals to carry on this ludicrous belief.
Marriage is not easy, but it does not have to be as difficult as we make it. The reasons why our mothers stayed in their marriage were because:
A) They did not have a choice. Or they did not know they had a choice.
B) They were completely dependent on their husbands for survival.
C) They cared what people would say if they left their marriage.
D) The men were different. They were assholes, but they were assholes that provided for their family. Today’s men are assholes who live off their women and expect their women to be grateful.
Today’s women are different. We know we have options, and we know what those options are. We are not dependent on our husbands for survival. We have jobs. We make money. We save money. Sometimes, we even make more than our husbands. If they don’t provide for us or our children, we will do it ourselves, and we will do it better and have some change left. I will not make a man feel that he isn’t needed, but should-in-case he wants to find out, I will not neglect to show him how much he is not needed. Today’s women value their peace.
These are not the rantings of an angry Black woman. I still believe in marriage, and I still want to be married some day. I’d like to do the life thing with a man I love who loves me right back. I still love men, especially Black men, and most especially, my Nigerian men. But I don’t love them more than I love myself. I don’t love marriage more than I love my peace.
My belief in marriage has not waivered. Long before I got married, I believed that marriage was not by force, and that no man born of a woman will “suffer” me in the name of being my husband. Such a man has not been born. It will never happen. Not to me. He may try, but ultimately, he will be very quickly released from his husbandly duties. I’d rather be married happily ever after, but divorce is always an option. I-don’t-want-to-do-again is always an option.
Now, more than ever, I simply cannot manage just any type of relationship. I want a relationship that I enjoy being in and one that will make me and my partner thrive. I want a relationship with a man who is not a fool and not as asshole. I want him to be a tall man with a bearded face, long fingers, and twins in his genes. And I want to have a kind of relationship with him that Ada Verastic can look up to and want for herself one day. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so, and I know he exists.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you need to save yourself.
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Once a human hits another?
It’s done
there IS NO coming back from hitting someone
QED
Gbam! Say it louder for the people in the back, please.
Azeezat and Vera, while Azeezat said “human”, I want to be explicitly clear:
Does this rule apply when the woman beats or hits the man?
ABSOLUTELY. No one should be hitting anyone. PERIOD. That is a violation.
With all disrespect, oga paul is a potential wife beater and accessory to murder. Na him kind go advise woman wey him husband dey beat to ‘go back to her husband’s house’ even with black eye until the woman gets killed. He would be the one to advise the man to move on and remarry quick also.
Pardon my pidgin english. I know not all your readers understand that. But I dey vex.
Accessory to murder? Hahaha. But I see where you’re coming from. And you’re right. He would definitely tell a woman to stay with her abusive husband, and he would think he’s telling her the right thing too.
I learned long ago that often the “educated and exposed” among us are just as bad if not worse than the men who have never left their village with their mentality. Can you imagine? “Did you tell him not to hit you again”? SMH
My dear, I was very confused ooo. Like, did I tell him ke? First of all, why should a man be hitting a woman? But yes, you’re right. Being exposed and/or educated can be very deceiving.
There is a word for paul like my father would say, educated illiterate
Lol. Yup. I completely agree.
People like Paul will ask what you did for your husband to beat you, don’t you know women can be stubborn? Lol
Sadly it’s not just men that have this mentality, even women too. I was once in a church where a visiting female pastor was preaching and said if your husband is beating you, continue to pray for God to change his heart and to give you insight to not do things to provoke him. That’s how they keep us in bondage sis…
Good on you for not arguing with Paul, what he doesn’t understand is the incident with the juju and the physical abuse are instances of as they say the needle that broke the camel’s back. It’s a pity we can’t tell who is empathetic or who is just curious to hear gist and judge until you share because you could have saved yourself a whole lot of time and not even said anything to him.
CeeCee,
You know, I don’t even think that he was asking about my marriage to be nosy, and I don’t even think he said what he said to be mean. I think he was simply expressing his actual beliefs — which makes this even sadder. Lol. Oh, and per the pastor’s preaching, I’m not surprised at all. I used to attend a Nigerian church where a guest pastor came on the pulpit to criticize women who “claim” to be raped because how can they claim to be raped when they did not even fight or scream? If they had fought or scream, they would not have been raped. This is what a supposed man of God was saying and people were shouting Amen up and down.
Inukwa “did you tell him not to hit you again? “. Did you beg him to hit you before?
Hahahahahaha. Nne, ju kwa’m ooo! Did I for real??? *HISS*
This is what I wondered too o. “Did she beg him to hit her before?” Rubbish and ingredients!
@Vera, these conversations make me weak inside my soul. Like I can’t even stand them. If I have to explain how and why I should not be treated like a 2nd class human in my marriage, issover!
Did you tell not to hit you again?????????
Orisi risi
Lol. My thoughts exactly!
Some people have warped notions and assumptions that a woman should endure foolishness all in the bid to stay married. Marriage is not your life’s ultimate purpose and a bad marriage can cause untimely death. You get the love you think you deserve.
I need you to say it louder for the people in the back. Marriage is beautiful. It should be beautiful. But if it becomes something else, walking away should always be an option.
its not that american broke up ur home , its just women of this generation have learned to love themselves and put themselves first which differs from our parents generation
“But did you tell him not to hit you again” paul is a mad and unfortunate fellow. May amadioha slap his dirty mouth for me. Rubbish I hate men who are insensitive to a woman’s pain. Ending a marriage isn’t fun neither is it easy. Folks keep acting like women are made for suffering and if yoire not suffering your not womaning right, so, amadioha will slap paul and his right eye will become lopsided. Very unfortunate fellow.
Vera, next time you slap paul for me so that amadioha can finish the work. Thanks. Sending you hugs and positive vibrations.
I once made the mistake of thinking that some exposed and educated men were different I had to stop debating with them for the sake of my sanity. I now know better, some village men who have never left their village reason better than some of these educated exposed diaspora men.
Hello! In no way do I condone violence, whether physical, verbal, emotional or any other type of such. I haven’t read your story of how you marriage ended, but what instigated the violence? How did he go from being loving to hitting you? I know a lot of people will think it does not matter, just don’t hit. Well, it does. I was also married and…thank GOD for HIS grace and mercy. I did not abuse in any way, shape or form and I will never do that, by GOD’S grace, mercy and power. BUT…I was definitely tempted. Even she was surprised I didn’t and she even asked me in the heated moment….”ain’t you going to hit me” ? I told her I would.never do that to a man or woman. Domestic violence is wrong, but women have to be very cautious of how they address their respective men/husbands/significant other. Women can’t just let anything and everything come out of their mouth. It’s wrong. I am not saying that is what happened in your case, I am just voicing my opinion.
I agree with Mr “Paul” in that a lot of Nigerian women change when they get to the US. That can be verified by the many stories out there, so..he is right about that. A lot of women frustrate men to the very core of their being. Those who have no choice or are too angered at that particular point in time, hit the woman. So just walk out. After that moment though, I can tell you sincerely, the marriage is NEVER the same. It’s only a matter of time before it dissolves and/or disintegrates. No violence! But women, no verbal abuse either! Because what most women do is actually verbal abuse!