How I Narrowly Escaped Death!

I don’t care how many times you scream drama queen, but when you wake up and find your house – a formerly non living thing – swaying from left to right like a scene out of The Exorcist, then you can come back and talk to me again.

By now, I’m sure most of you must have heard about the 5.8 earthquake (that got upgraded to a 5.9 earthquake) that rocked the East Coast of the United States of America yesterday. I don’t know what 5.9 means in the earthquake world, but I do know that what I felt yesterday, I don’t ever want to feel it again. I know you’re dying to know, so I’ll oblige you.

So there I was, jejely sleeping when I was suddenly woken up by the heavy vibration of the house. Half asleep, my reaction time was slower than a turtle. I was lying on my stomach. I raised my head, saw the walls swaying from left to right, saw the clothes on the hanger rattling like they were possessed, felt the bed I was on jumping up and down, blinked my eyes several times, blinked some more, and then, finally jumped up and took off running – barefooted.

In another corner of the world – well, just fifteen minutes away from me – Funmie’s house was shaking too. And what did the smart Funmie do? She told everyone to run to the basement for protection. Greeeaaatttt! Now, they can make sure that they all die together with no chance of survival. During an earthquake, the basement is not the place to be. Imagine if the ground had opened up and swallowed them, and then, the rest of the house had fallen on them? Oh, yeah. That’s plenty protection alright.

Back to my corner of the world, I was outside, my shoeless feet on the warm concrete ground, no longer sleepy, but definitely disoriented. Neighbors were outside. I couldn’t tell if they were there because of what I had just felt, or if they just happened to be outside. You know White folks enjoy sitting in the sun. And so, we all stood there and waited – I don’t know what for – until someone was smart and bold enough to go back inside and check their television. She then came out and said, “It was a 5.8!”

5.8 what??? The only thing I could relate that figure to was not big or hard enough to rock a house. Pun intended. And so, I asked, “What does that mean?” The other lady said, “It was an earthquake. A 5.8 earthquake.” Jesus!!! Me, Vera Ezimora, I was in the middle of an earthquake? What have I done to offend anybody oh? It was only then I even realized that when I jumped out of bed, I ran out with my cell phone. That says much about me and my phone – both encouraging and disturbing at once. Unfortunately, however, calls were not going through, but social networks – Facebook, Twitter, and BBM – were active.

“They said another one might come,” another lady added. Say what?! Another one, ke? And I began to think all sorts. Oh, God, my laptop is still inside… My manuscript is on my book … The back-ups are inside the house … I should go inside and grab the laptop … Okay, maybe I’ll just take my flash drive … Oh, but not everything is on the flash drive … What about my car keys? I should get my car keys so I can drive off … But what if the ground opens up and my car falls in? … Okay, I should just wait outside … But what if the ground opens up on the spot I’m standing? … Sweet Jesus! Where am I going to stand? Here? There? Nowhere? … Lord, give me the grace to fly!

As it came to pass anyway, there was no second earthquake, thank God. But I could not help but think about what could have happened if it were worse. What if it was a bigger earthquake? I was asleep when it started. My house would have fallen on me, and I would have been dead long before I knew what was going on. Funmie and her family, too, they would have been dead before they realized that the basement was a death trap. And I thought to myself, what would it feel like when God is angry? How would the earth move? Through what kind of natural disaster would He reveal His anger? An earthquake? A Hurricane? A Tornado? A Volcano? All of the above? I don’t want to know.

In all of this, the smart people have figured out the reasons for the earthquake: America allows gay and lesbian marriages, Obama has overspent money, the liberals (Democrats) planned it, and of course, it is a sign of the future world destruction that would start in America, specifically Washington D.C.

Riiiiiiiight!