I have always loved milk. For as long as I can remember, I have been a fan of tasty milk. Please note that I said ‘tasty.’ That means I was not a fan of soy milk or whatever other questionable milk they sold and still sell in stores.
I don’t know what tasted better between fura de nono and peak milk. I know which one my mother was not in favor of: fura de nono. She gave me a list of diseases that I was sure to suffer if I kept on drinking fura de nono, but as a true daughter of my father (the man who sucked his own mother’s breast until she died…@ about age 70), I could not be warned. As far as I was concerned, mom could have as well been talking to a rock because nothing she said could keep me away from my fura de nono!
Now that I am in the US of A, there is obviously no way for me to get fura de nono – unless I suck directly from a heifer. I love milk oh, but not enough to call a heifer my mother and suck its breast. Tufia kwa! That is an abominable act. Instead, I have channeled all my frustration to the next best thing: peak milk.
In case you’re wondering why I think peak milk is the best, well, it’s because it was, and still is – in my opinion anyway. The other milks like Nido, Coast, and especially Cowbell were no match for Peak. Speaking of cowbell, I suddenly remember my broke days in high school when the N10 satchet of cowbell milk was a gift of love to me. But I digress…
Back to the peak milk. I used to love all forms of peak milk when I was in Naija – powdered, evaporated, and condensed. I still love all forms, but I mostly use the powdered one. I am a cereal junkie, so sometimes, I have cereal (cold cereal, oat meal, etc… and let’s not forget garri coz it counts as cereal too) for dinner. Of course, you know I love custard. I’m sure you remember my love affair with it. No matter what I choose to have, I obviously have to adorn it with peak milk…or else, it just isn’t the same.
Therein lies the problem! When I wake up in the morning, I look like I’m six months pregnant, and I know it’s an unnatural stomach. My stomach is not flat but I gauge it at night before going to bed. Then throughout the day, I release silent killers aka tear gas aka gases of mass destruction, better known as stinky farts everywhere I go. This isn’t rocket science. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out the culprit behind my plight: peak milk!
Sometimes, the farting occurs at night. Those are the worst. Oh, the horror! Sometimes, they’re so loud and have so much base that I jump up from bed and shout, ‘Jesus!’ or ‘Blood of Jesus!’ But after I get a whiff of the not-so-pleasant smell, I realize that the only thing I have to fear is well – myself. When one starts getting woken up by the thunderous sound of his or her own fart, then nsobu di kwa (there is trouble o).
So how do I fix this apparent lactose intolerance? I am not ready to give up peak milk o. And neither am I willing to attend a 12-step program called Peak Milk Addicts Anonymous. But I have to fix this. What will happen when I get married? I don’t want my husband going to bed in the night with a flat tummy and waking up with a tummy that has risen like agege bread because he has inhaled all my you-know-what. Something tells me my in-laws will not appreciate it either. But then again, I guess he’ll like the smell. It should be part of him since we’ll be one, right?
Oh, God. I cannot wait for this husband of mine. There is soooooooooo much we have to explore! So many experiments to perform. So many questions to ask…and answer.
First question: what happens to hubby’s tummy in the morning if he spends all night inhaling wifey’s gaseous waste?
p.s. I already drink Lactaid, but I can only use it for cold cereal (excluding garri).
Lmao….ok before I lmao…am I first???
Firsssssst, ok as I was sayin…
lmao @ the belly looking 6 months preg in the morning, I on the other hand wake up with a flat tummy and it grows to 6 months by afternoon…so an outfit that looked great in the morning looks like a bad idea by noon…
Milk intolerance…hmmm me thinks the only solution is to use RUM for ur cereal…after 2 glasses u will find that it tastes better than any peak milk you have ever had…
ever!!!
I am speaking from experience oh…so listen…and learn…
Yes, I am also 2nd and 3rd…oh happy day…I think I’ll go to church afterall!!!
I’m Fourth! Been hitting Top 10 on a few blogs this week. I will go to church afterall!
LMAO @ your father sucking his mom till 70!! Hope he won’t write you out of the will after reading that? Remind me to bring some powdered milk when I visit Yankee though I hope the Customs guys won’t mistake it for…
First question: what happens to hubby’s tummy in the morning if he spends all night inhaling wifey’s gaseous waste?
First Answer: He trims it by working out on her the next night before sleeping so as to inhale another dose! It’s called the “Fart Cycle”
*dead from Vera’s fart*
The never ending attraction for peak milk and all the various ways it gets innto our system has never seemed to amaze me… Maybe its only in my mind but does it feel just a little bit creamier than all the other pretenders? I’ve been known to down half a can of powdered peak milk in a day… and live thru the hell the next day.. consoling myself that it wz worth it.. LOL
LMAO @ they’re so loud and have so much base that I jump up from bed and shout, ‘Jesus!’ or ‘Blood of Jesus! Veraaa! infact u are very special. If I had any doubts before, I am sure of it now. So this is what’s referred to as being lactose intolerant, interesting! I really don’t have any solutions for u @ this time tho, cos I haven’t researched it. I bet there’s a solution floating out there in cyberspace.
PS: WTH is Fura de nono? Never heard of that.
oh dearrr. i know the feeling I only found out my lactose intolerance when i combined Dano and the never-ending supply of cheese in the American diet. I was sad….now I have to order my starbucks with soy. 🙁
Afrobabe: You’re a mad girl. Which rum are you talking about? Rum, the alcohol abi there is a new lactose-free milk called rum? LOL. Gal, on the days that I wake up with a tummy that isn’t bulging so much, the bulge definitely shows by noon. One tintiny grape and boom, the bulge is out. LOL. And congrats on being first, second, and third. Madness personified.
Naughty Eyes: Lol. Hehehehe. Well, if that is the answer, then hubby should berra bring it on!!! My marriage life MUSTO sweet. We must relish marriage life by doing anything and everything that is fun – including but not limited to farting and then working it out. My dad cannot be mad @ me for speaking the truth. And yes, please bring a can of peak milk when you’re visiting Yankee. I’ll love u forever. Hope u went 2 Church?? Congrats on being 4th!
JJ: LOL. You berra wake up ooo! My farts are not lethal – yet. Hehehe.
Danny Bagucci: It’s not in your mind @ all. Peak milk is definitely creamier. I have been known to down half a tin in a day too…which is why my mother started hiding it in her room. At my age, I still have a weakness for the thing – regardless of its side effects.
Nefertiti: lol. Call me special all you want oh, but this is a serious problem that needs 2 be addressed ASAP. Gal, if you hear one of these farts, you sef, you’ll scream the name of our Lord. Fura de nono is the raw cow milk that Hausa/Fulani people sell in the North. They add sugar and some other brown stuff (can’t remember the name but it’s yummy!). I lived in the North, so I love all these stuff
Wordsmith: Soy milk??? No way!!! I will never, ever do soy milk. I would rather go without milk in fact. But this is soooo not fair! Y would peak milk treat me this way??
well, if he inhales it in his sleep he will have only sweet peak dreams of his wife all night. so feel free joo. its not a problem its a part of your love cycle … or will be sha 😉
Vera…
LOL…
Peak milk is the best, I agree with you.
Your husband is coming, sooner than you imagine. You never know if Prince Charming also has the same “gift”.
Maybe you spend quality time in the white house every night, just before you sleep. It will reduce the impact of the explosions…
vera vera vera. solution to this is that. u eat a plate or 2 of beans or have urself some eggs. they would neutralize the effects of the milk. try it and get back to us on the outcome.
lmao @ waking up cos of your own fart! dts hilarious! I can imagine the look on ur face wen u realize it your very own fart!
lol…didnt realise peak milk can cause a bulging tummy or farting…learnt something new today.
i am also like afrobabe..i wake up with a flat tummy and during the day it bulges out..hmm wonder wat dat is about…cuz it aint funny!
your husband is on the way…though he tarries he shall surely come!!!
Girl, you need to stay off the milk. That’s your only option if it affects you that badly unless of course you don’t mind the ‘side-effects’. I gave up milk 10 years ago, though in my case it always made me throw up. Or you can try yoghurt with a live culture, something like activia. Apparently, it helps with lactose intolerance.
It seems milk creates the worst effects. Do you have the same reaction to eggs and cheese?
peak is the bomb diggy. glad to know no discrimination when it comes to farting
Yes oh…Rum as in the alchohol..try it out and see…by the time you finish a bowl you’ll want more and by the time you finish 2 the whole day looks beautiful…even when its raing cats and dogs..you will literaly(beg I no fit spell am) see cats and dogs.
lol at sis………
i so love peak meself
i’m just wondering
if you take fruits after a meal
you may get flatulence
just cause you had cereal dont mean you should eschew water
and while milk can help you sleep at night
milk just before bedtime is sooooo wrong…….
Vera i bow for you. Haha. Hubby will die thats what. But peak milk is very delish sha. Stay off milk and do us all a favour. It wont be fun to come bail you out.
Imagine murder by fart?…… hehehe
lol@ “So how do I fix this apparent lactose intolerance?”
On the contrary,I think you have a Peak Milk Tolerance Disorder… and if you keep releasing tear gases of mass destruction, everwhere you go, you will soon be picked up for terrorism o. I don tell you!
Hmmm. na wah oh. When we were in boarding school, we drank milk with gari and cold cocoa but we did not suffer this lactose wahala. Now as adults, our system is now kpafuka. I can’t eat ice cream, or hot/cold cocoa anymore without having one of those horrible bathroom episodes. Haaa ogini? Vera dear, just limit your milk intake. Make sure you use the bathroom before going to bed to avoid gas buildup. Cus the last bobo that was hit by my explosions still has nightmares oh. I guess that’s why he is an ex now.
Vera
i cant stop laughing. All i can say is your husband is def coming and surely he will love the smell just like you love it abi?
Geisha Song: Thank you jare, my sister. I can always count on you to support me. That’s why I love you oh.
Rita: LOL @ spending quality time in the white house, and even more LOL @ my husband having the same problem. Hehehehehe. That would be crrrrraaaaaaazzzzzyyyy! I cannot imagine! Hehehehehe.
Chief: You’re not a very smart person @ allllll. You’re suggesting I add beans to my already big problem? You no like me @ all.
Toluwa: LOL. Yes oh. Seriously, imagine the look. Sometimes, I’m just mesmerized and I’m thinking, “wow. That sound came out of me??” LOL
Aloted: LOL @ the bulging tummy. That happens to me too, but I don’t know what that’s about honestly cause sometimes it bulgers even before I have eaten. It must be my enemies! I dey wait that husband ooo.
Baraal: You gave up milk ten years ago?? Oh, my God!!! How have you been surviving? lol. Don’t mind me. I don’t know if I have the same side effects with eggs and cheese because I rarely eat them, so I have not had time to notice.
Jaguda: LOL. No discrimination @ all. Why shall I shy? lol. But yes, Peak is definitely the bomb!
Afrobabe: LOL. Hahaha. I have never, ever gotten drunk in my life. I’m so afraid of what I will do if I were to get drunk. I might say what I’m actually thinking. Or worse, do what I’ve been fantasizing about. Lai lai!! I don’t want to see cats and dogs, Afrobabe!!!
Ibiluv: Well, I love peak milk and that’s that!! Why should I be made to suffer? What’s wrong with true love, ehn? Tell you what I don’t do: I don’t consume any dairy product before going out with a guy. Tufia kwa! I shall not be humiliated.
Luscious Ron: My farts are not lethal! lol. The most they will do is give you a swollen tummy, but it won’t kill you, and you know that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.
Buki: LOL! My sister, I no wan that one oh. So are you suggesting I break up with peak milk? But how can I? No, I cannot. I simply cannot!!!
Rosie: LOL! Hahaha.You explosions were that bad? Hahaha. Kai. My explosions are good oh, if I do say so myself, lol. I dunno why we become lactose intolerant when we become older. Sooo not funny!
I might as well learn from your comments because I am an avid lover of peak milk, hate all other brands of milk, and have the consequential symptoms noted in this post (lol)…don’t ask. I am not a revealer of secrets like you…
Ehen, moving on….so have you even tried VANILLA FLAVORED SOY MILK? It’s good o…(that’s the other type of milk I like aside from PEAK MILK…the best).
I don’t know about your Fura De nono…abi Kini…
I sure hope noone shows your future husband this post or else…
Imagine dis babe saying the poor dude should be okay with inhaling all those toxic gases because you’re one??!!! Omo de oneness no reach dat level o nne! Tufiakwa! Spending ons entire life inhaling fart????!!! Ahahn Vera!
O girl, dem don tell you. Lef d Peak milk. Because u go fit rupture somtin if u continue to dey release dose Weapons of Fart Destruction that you’ve been letting out. I have been loving soy since I came to the US cos in Naija I didn’t know /could not afford an alternative to regular milk.
You’re sooo funny. But um, just regular ol’ cow milk works for me.
Vera……u will never cease to try to kill me wit laff oh!
But i can really imagine u having a husband with the same “gift”. I’m sure u guys will make a wonderful couple (for all of 2mnths b4 u get seperate rooms to save the marriage)
But really i think u shd go the soy route. I’ve never tried it but some ppl really seem to like it.
Hi Madam Veratically Vera!!!
You got tagged by moi!!!
Please check my blog for more details…
Vera u don come again o
I also can't wait for your hubby. I'm sure you'll have so much 2 tell us 4rm ur exploring & experiments together.
I do not like peak milk.
Jaycee: Reveal thy secrets. Why shall I shy?? No, I have not tried vanilla flavored soy milk. In fact, I have never tried any kinda soy milk.
Doug: Hehehehe. Una no go kill me with laughter. So you’re saying my hubby will not enjoy my farts? Y not, if not? You’ve not even smelt their aroma. Yes, I said aroma. LOL. And there is nothing wrong with inhaling it all your life!!
Archiwiz: I will not leave peak milk alone!!! lol @ rupturing something. Hahaha. E never bad reach that level na. And no, I do not wish to explore the route of soy milk.
Darius: Yeah, I know. But I don’t like that regular ol’ cow milk. Soooo not yummy!
Mizchif: LOL. Hahahaha @ my husband and I getting separate rooms to save the marriage. Hahaha. That will be tooooo funny!
No Limit: You go wound oo! Who gave you the right to tag me???!!!
Black James Bond: Hehehe. Of course now. Why not, if not?
OluwaDee: You don’t milk peak milk???? Oh, my goodness!!! We must take you to the hospital @ once! LOL. You’re waiting 4 my hubby too ehn? lol. The guy is gonna have so many stories to tell.
I love lactose-free vanilla soy milk. It taste good! Seriously just try it! If not for the sake of anything, for the good of humanity…lets rid you of weapons of mass destruction.lol
Omg you just reminded me of how much I love fura da nono. Im getting me some tommorow first thing! And custard too!
hehehehe ~ me sef have this problem. If you want it to stop ~ DO NOT DRINK MILK. You are lactose intolerant. but I am sure you already know that. I jus dey warn you o, swollen belly because of your spouse’s farts should be grounds for divorce. Can you imagine actually telling the judge that. Your honour, I cannot love this woman because she farts! hehehe.
“Now that I am in the US of A, there is obviously no way for me to get fura de nono – unless I suck directly from a heifer. I love milk oh, but not enough to call a heifer my mother and suck its breast. Tufia kwa!”
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
I just can’t take it! I can’t even read the rest of this post. Maybe if I contain myself.
Oh my…
Nigerian Drama Queen: Yeah, thanks for rubbing it in! Can you bring me back some?? Pretty please!! Gosh, I love that stuff. Well, if I’m bored enough, I just might try the soy milk – for the good of humanity as you put it. LOL
Temite: My husband will not divorce me because of my farts. Why? He’ll love the aroma! LOL. Hahaha/
Solomon Sydelle: LOL. You’re not serious @ all. You berra report here and finish this post before I arrange for some people to hurt you. You know I know people that know people.
HEY!!!!!! I left a comment here yesty!!! arrrgh blogger!!! anywayz
HAHAHAHHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH…ewwwwwwwwwww @ fart bombs!!!*points finger*
I love peak milk..it dosent do anything to me tho!! LOOOOOOL this just made my day again!!!
Ms O: It doesn’t do anything 2 u for real???? Gal, you’re lucky!! I need to down a whole can and come and visit you. Hehehehe.