Lessons From My Ex: I Don’t Like Mamas’ Boys

As they say, hindsight is 20/20. In my life, I have had a total of three serious/committed relationships, and I’m now married to the third one. As they also say, third time is the charm. Before Igwe, I got to know other men. Apart from the two I had a serious relationship with, there were some in between that were not serious (because I was young and knew nothing of that life anyway) and some that almost happened, but didn’t quite. We died in the “just talking” phase. I’m sure we all know that phase.

I did not always know everything I wanted and did not want before entering the relationships or the just talking phases, but by the time it was over, I learned at least one lesson about myself. This is why I am in support of people dating (call it courting, if you prefer) and really, really getting to know each other. That is the whole point of dating, so that you don’t enter a relationship and be shocked. Although, for most people – women especially – we know that we are about to enter a marriage of one chance, but we just want to be Mrs. Somebody, and we’re ready to pay the price. Damn the consequences.

For me, anyway, I have learned many lessons from past relationships, and I want to talk about one in particular today: I don’t like mamas’ boys.

I was 17 when I met this guy. Well, I e-met him. I met him online in my first year of college. He was Nigerian and five years older than me. He lived in a different State, but we still started dating, even before we met. It’s funny to me now that back then, I really thought I was dating. What I was actually doing was “play-play” like our parents will say. I thought I was so grown and wise and mature, but in retrospect, I was just stupid. And a child. I’ll admit that I was more mentally mature than most 17 year olds, but I was nothing close to what I thought I was.

So we started dating online, and then we finally met when my college took a bus trip to his State. It only cost me $10. We didn’t do much. We walked around the city, talked, kissed. What else could a 17 year old do? Then it was 5:00 PM and I had to go back on the bus to go back to Maryland. The “relationship” lasted about 6 months and I saw him twice. One day, I called him on the phone and told him it was over.

But why did I break up with him? He talked about his mom wayyyy too much. Momsy this. Momsy that. Momsy here. Momsy there. Momsy. Momsy. Momsy. Ah, ah, na only you get momsy? I was sick of it. I did not know before I started dating him that I did not like men who were in my opinion disturbingly close to/dependent on their mother. I never even met the guy’s mom (heck, I only saw him twice), but I got a feeling that if we went further and deeper in our relationship and we were to one day be married, I would always be second to his mother. I might have been wrong (plus I was very young), but it was my conviction. I went with it, and I have never regretted my decision.

Now that I’m much older, I have come to realize what my actual problem was with him and his mother. It was not that I had a problem with him (or any man) being close to his mom, it was that I feared he would never get to the point of forsaking all else for me. It was a lot for a 17 year old to be thinking, I know, but for some reason, from a young age, I was obsessed with not getting it wrong in marriage. I knew I wanted to be married, but I was not willing to compromise on what I wanted from my husband. Even at age 17, I had witnessed bad marriages, so I knew I wanted nothing to do with it. Therefore, whenever a man fell short of my expectations in a way that was a deal breaker for me, I just let him go.

You should always have deal breakers. You should always have lines that should not be crossed. You should always stand for something, or else you’ll stand for nothing.

Just to be clear, my support for women dating as much as possible does not mean that they should be sleeping with the men they’re dating. I know that sex often happens between two consenting adults in a committed relationship, but not all relationships are actually relationships, and not all committed relationships should be committed. If I were talking to my children, my daughter especially, I would tell her not to have sex at all. Ultimately, the decision is hers, but I would pray for God’s wisdom and grace to go with her.

But to my ex, thank you for teaching me more about myself.