For the past two or three years, this thong has been floating around inside my underwear drawer. Depending on the day, I am not always entirely sure that it isn’t mine. What I am mostly sure of is that if it doesn’t belong to me, then it belongs to Uju. If by any chance it does not belong to any of us, then this sure beats me.
The mysterious thong … also known as “The accused”
Prior to this morning, I had more confidence that it wasn’t mine, but after I took a shower and looked with sheer surprise and cluelessness at about seven underwears that really belonged to me, wondering where they came from and if they really belonged to me, I have since begun to doubt my conviction about the mysterious thong. You see, about a month ago, I bought new underwears. The day I bought them, I washed all of them. I have since worn each of them at least once – I think.
Not being able to recognize the underwears that I bought only a month ago made me wonder: if I cannot recognize my one-month old underwears, then what is the chance that I will recognize this other thong from two or three years ago? But I’m almost certain that it belongs to Uju. I have brought it out several times and thought about wearing it only to put it back. What’s the worse that could happen? Would Uju’s two year old pubic hair be joined to mine? Would their union alter my DNA? Woud I become Uju? And if it’s not Uju’s thong but really mine, then have I punished my thong for nothing? It is fair to say that I don’t want to know the worst that can happen.
If this case were being tried in court where this thong was being accused of being my thong, this thong’s lawyer (the defense lawyer) would say, “But Vera doesn’t wear thongs. Vera wears t-strings, so why would Vera own a thong?” And the prosecutor would say, “Yes, but this thong is in Vera’s size, and it was found in her drawer. Why would Uju’s thong find its way there? Unless there’s something you’re not telling us.” And then, the defense would say, “Object, Your Honor! Prosecution is badgering the witness!” Okay, fine. You’re right. That last part doesn’t make sense. I just wanted an opportunity to say that badgering the witness thing.
I’m not sure exactly what I or Uju would be saying during this time, but as you can see, I’ve given this court case great thought. I say we all donate our services to this great cause. Who wants to join in and find out the real owner of this thong?