Today is my daddy’s birthday.
I want to type a long poetic, literary post, full of twists and turns, full of enigmatic sentences that have conspicuous meanings. What an oxymoron, I know. I want to write an epistle about my daddy and talk about how he is a tall Iroko tree in the forest, but you see, daddy isn’t tall…. or slender. He’s about 5’10, I suppose. And he has a belly that has been pregnant for as long as I can remember. Rumor (aka my mother) has it that the pregnancy is as a result of the bottles of Gulder he used to down. Who knows really? Daddy swears he doesn’t have a big tummy. He must see Will Smith’s abs when he looks @ himself in the mirror. But who am I to judge?
I haven’t said happy birthday to him yet, but when I do, I know how the conversation will go. It’s the same thing each year.
Me: Happy birthday, dad!
Dad: *Surprised* Oh, nne, you’re right oo! Today is April 4th. I almost forgot.
Me: You didn’t almost forget. You forgot.
Dad: Well…
Me: Well, nothing. Happy birthday. (I’d like to seal it with a kiss on his shiny head, a place where hair once used to reside. It is now smoother than his face, and there is no evidence (other than old pictures) that hair once grew there. No evidence that that once used to be a fertile ground. Oh, baldness, what have you done to my daddy? On the positive side, when the sun shines on that part of his head, it beams. You should see it after I rub vaseline on it. It’s as clear as a mirror, I tell you.)
Yeap. That’s pretty much how the conversation will go. He forgets his birthday every year. I don’t know what kind of person forgets his own birthday. I look very much like my dad, and in some ways we are alike, but when it comes to birthdays and dates in general, we couldn’t be more different. I take my birthday very seriously; how can I ever forget January 14th? I am even thinking about how to make January 14th a global holiday. Apart from January 14th, I spend every other day of the year thinking about January 14th. But this post shouldn’t be about me…
So here’s to wishing my daddy – father of Vera & husband of Mama Vera – a very, very happy birthday.
* Sometimes I think my father chose the wrong profession (medicine); maybe he should have been a comedian instead. He really is a very funny man. Besides, being a comedian would have saved my butt countless unwaranted and unwanted injections. Yes, I may have been ill, but I would have gladly swallowed – even chewed – a carton of pills before taking one injection.
* My daddy, the one and only Ogbuefi Nnanyelugo of my life. Per the title, funny enough, he’s never killed a cow oo… at least none that I know of. I remember plenty of goats – especially that one goat that escaped from my compound. Dad was really vexed. We were supposed to use that goat for Easter. But who can blame the goat? I’d have run too if I were him. Funniest part was when we went to the nearby market to look for the goat. Of course, it wasn’t hard spotting our brown goat – amongst thousands of other brown goats. Dad tried to guess our goat by looking at the eyes of the goats in the market. Apparently, our goat would have recognized him; it would have been obvious in the goat’s eyes. Yeah, sure! Needless to say, we went without a goat that Easter. That was his punishment to us for losing his goat. I couldn’t have cared less. I hated goat meat.
* My father, the man who farts out loud and forces us to hail him, “Ogbuefi Nnanyelugo!!” The loudness of the fart wasn’t even the problem for me; it could have been confused as the sound effect of a loud pot of boiling soup (some loud soup it woulda been though). The problem was the stench of the fart. I don’t know what that man ate, but it was doing him something wicked.
* My father, the man who gets confused when he’s talking to his employees and speaks all the languages in one sentence: English, Igbo, Hausa, & Russian. The look on the employee’s face is always priceless.
* My father, the man who ruined my chance to go home for one weekend when I was in boarding school. I told him to come and talk to my Principal, a very strict Reverend Sister. Dad was supposed to be meek and friendly. Instead, when Sister Mary Patrick hinted hesitation in letting me leave for the weekend, dad told her she was very pompous and that it wasn’t a very good look on a woman. I obviously never did get to go home that weekend.
* My father, the man who comes home on Saturday night, heads straight for the kitchen, steals a big piece of meat, goes back to the bedroom, eats it and hides the bones under the bed. When asked if he ate a piece of meat, he denies it squarly. Never mind the obvious shiny lips he has and even the drop of oil stain on his shirt. Pray, do tell, where did the oil come from? It’s a wonder we never had rats – considering all the meat bones that were under the bed.
* My father, the man who proudly sucked his mother’s breast until she died. She died after I was born, so she wasn’t young. He must have been sucking powdered milk. If one needs a ‘human subject” to study for the “effects of sucking mother’s breast till she becomes a grandmother,” I think my daddy would be a perfect candidate.
* My father, the only man I know of who puts his bread & egg in the freezer because it’s too hot. How hot can bread be?
Oh, happy birthday, daddy!! May God continue to keep you alive and well. May you never lose your sense of humor. May you change from your mischievous ways of making us smell your fart. Seriously… so not cool. May you continue to be you (yes, I realize it means you’ll continue farting for our inhaling pleasure). Yippee … aren’t we lucky? *rolling eyes*
first?
shooooooot!
i was really first!
omg!
hahahahah..in ur face o…hmm ok hu im i even talkin to sef..
whooo hooo….
first!
i just got bk frm church o..so excuse my excess adrenaline in action!
hahahahahhaah….firsttttttttt!
Gee we get it o…u r first…lol.
Vera am laughing my lil’ behind off. Happy B’day to ur Dad. I guess all those attributes r wat mke him unique.
Nice post!
3RD
HAPPY BAFFDAY TO UR PAPA
LMAO!!! you’re pops is heeelarious
Farting and being hailed?? LOL. Stealing meat and hiding it?? LOL. Sucking ‘powered milk??’ wow/lol
tew funny mehn.
Happy Birthday to your Pops!!
like father, like daughter. now we can see where you verasticness comes from.
is your dad a pediatrician? i’m sure kids wouldn’t mind a trip to the hospital if he’s going to be the one attending to them.
happy birthday to your daddy..
Aww, happy birthday Vera’s daddy…
Lol at rubbing his baldness with vaseline…
He used to hide chicken bones under the bed? I see where you got mischievious genes from…
ohh top 10!!!
Happy birthday daddy Vera! lol at the farting ish!!! sooo not cool!!!
Happy Birthday’ Vera’s dad! He sounds so cool, the way his been potrayed..Nothing beats life, like fun and laughter in it..
On dates i’m with you i don’t forget and this includes everyone i come in contact with and another way i won’t be forgeting yours soon, is because it is a day after mine 🙂
Na wa oh.. se na bcos everybody don go club that I’m lucky to be in top twenty.. That’s nice… Anyway Happy Birthday to Dad Vera. May his days be long.
lol….loving ur daddy…happy birthday to him.
lmao! your dad is serious jokes
Happy Birthday Mr Ezimora!
What a great idea to write a dedication to him on his birthday. Happy birthday to him! I loved this post and he sounds like a good and funny man. May he live healthily for many years to come and continue farting well well 😀
Like Spicy said, everybody true true don go club that’s why I can make Top 20.
Now I know where the farting skills came from… Not that I would mind that in a father-in-law!
Happy Baiday Papa Vera! If not for you, your pickin wouldn’t have been so pleasantly verastic…
Great stuffs..
More grease to his.. Em.. Farts?
More farts to his.. em..
Okay.. Happy buffday Ogbuefi Nnanyelugo..
small time and i didnt even make first 10, shio!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAZI EZIMORA, hail Nnayin for me o, may he live long to see children’s children childrens.
PS
u r the true daughter of ur father, thats why u r so verastic
LMAO!!! At least we know where ur Veracity comes from.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY Papa Vera!
May he live many more healthy years to come!
lol your dad sounds funny.. happy birthday to your daddy. may God continue to add more years to his life. Amen and amen
wow! i love it-ur dad is veery interesting!
xo
Long live Ogbuefi Nnanyelugo….
Happy Birthday to your Dad !
hehehehehe..ur dad is a legend..lol!
happy birthday papa vera!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy Birthday Daddy!
Gee: Yes, you’re first. Congratulations. I guess you should go to church more often? LOL
UnderCover07: Thank you, my dear. Yes, indeed. All those attributes are what make him unique. I’m blessed to have him as a dad.
Temite: Thank you, love. Congrats on being 3rd oh. E no easy.
Repressed One: Yes, my dad does all those and much more. Considering how alike we look, I hope that I don’t grow up and start making my children hail me when I fart….unless when necessary, of course.
Webround: LOL. Like father, like daughter ehn? But I better pass am ooo! He’s not a pediatrician sha; just a general practitioner.
Jaycee: Who told you I have mischievous genes? Me??? No oh! Trust me, babe, I’m as innocent as they come. *wink* I see you’re number 6. Congrats, love!
Ms O: Hahahaha @ top 100. Hehehe. Yeah, girl… the farting was definitely not cool.
Gochi: Yeah, the man is definitely very cool – farting and all. His sense of humor is crazy. So your birthday is right before mine ehn? aww! Aren’t we just the coolest peeps ever? 🙂
Ms Spicy Tee: LOL. Maybe everyone is having a hangover. Actually, the problem is that this post isn’t about oral sex. If it were, you for see scandal for here right this minute. LOL
Afrobabe: Thanks, boo. U know I can still hook you guys up? You were doing shakara before.
Scribble Me Free: Yes, indeed, he is. And thanks 4 the birthday wishes.
Adaeze: This your prayer get K leg oo! May he keep farting ehn? LOL. Okay, well, Amen sha. As long as he’s alive, he can fart all he wants. I’ll be in my husband’s house anyway. lol.
Naughty Eyes: LOL. Like I too told Spicey Tee, it’s not the club holding them; it’s just that I didn’t blog about oral sex. Maybe I’ll do that next time? LOL. Thanx 4 the compliment.
Roc Naija: Thanx oo. More grease to Ogbuefi Nnanyelugo’s farts. That’s just what we need around here… lol.
Omotee: Thanks, love!! I’ll hail Mazi Ezimora for you. He will hear. Amen, Amen, Amen!! May he indeed see his children’s children’s children. Thanks for the compliment, love
Mizchif: Thank you, love. AMEN!! May he live plenty more years. Maybe he’ll teach my children how to fart and demand to be hailed?? LOL
BSNC: He’s definitely very funny. Thanks for the birthday wishes.
Flabby: Thank you!!! He is indeed very funny.
Blogoratti: Thank you! Yes oh, long live Ogbuefi Nnanyelugo.
Buttercup: Indeed. He’s a living legend. He farts legendary farts. LOL
Darius: Thanks, love. He’ll hear.
Happy Baiday to Papa Vera!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUR DAD……WISH HIM MANY MORE YEARS
happy birthday to daddy vera…and longer life to him, especially 4 inspiring such a rib-cracking post…I’m still lol @ his shiny head, loud/smelly farts requiring hailing (actually, that reminds me of my dad 2…), hiding of meat bones under the bed and oil stains on his shirt, the missing goat, oh my word!…nice post vera…
Happy Birthday Vera's daddy!! Thank you for birthing just a funny child..
Vera… this had me in stitches.. your dad thought the goat would recognise him?!?!? **pricesless**
and he puts his breada & egg in the freezer ( my stomach hurts from laughing so hard). Girl I have never heard that one before oh.
Your papa is indeed wonderful! May he be around for you and your family for many, many, many more years to come by God's grace. May he live to see his Children's children and then some in Jesus name – Amen.
Have a great weekend. Much love x
hahaha, this had me rotfl, ur dad is so funny. nice, very nice. happy birthday 2 him.
dnt wana believe tht part abt sucking breast at tht age.
Happy Birthday, Daddy! Many more years to come. Kisses to a funny dad 🙂
VERASTIC! you rock my world with your flawless humorous writings. Your father actually reminds me of a friend’s father, as in everything down to the love of meat and farting!!! ha, I pray for ur father too, happy birthday.
Lol…almost fell off d couch cos i cant help laughn.No wonda,”ihe agwo muru,ahaghi ito ogologo”.May Ogbuefi Nnanyelugo’s dayz b long as dat of Metusaleh.Verastic……,sm r good,u’re 2 good!!!!!
happy baiday papi vera. may you live till and past when your grandkids suck vera’s breasticles dry and powdered. AMEN!
Happy belated birthday to your dad. I reckon he had lots of fun. Many more years to him
Confessions of a London Girl: Thanks, babe. Papa Vera will hear.
Beyond: AMEN! Thanks a lot, honey.
Just Doyin: LOL. I'm glad you found it so funny. Hehehe. He's definitely a pleasure to be around. What can I say? I thank God.
Remi: Thank you, my darling!! Nne, I don't know how he thought the goat would recognize him, but as it turned out, the goat didn't recognize him. Either that or we were in the wrong market. Shoot, the goat might have already been in someone's soup sef. lol. Don't get the bread & egg thing either. AMEN OOO. He musto see my children, their children, and their children's children.
Disguised Feelings: Awww. Thanks, boo. I'm glad you liked the post. My dad will hear.
Miz Cynic: Believe it oh. The man no dey shame @ all.
Folake: Thank you, darling. He'll appreciate the kisses. Apparently, he likes them.
Omo Oba: Awwwww!!! You should see me blushing here ooo. I rock someone's world. Go Vera! Hehe. Thank you, my dear. U equally rock my world with your generous words. Maybe my dad has a twin and doesn't know it oo.
Kenny: Thank you!! Nawa oo. You're making my head swell here, but I don't mind sha. hehe. LOL @ your proverb. Abi oh. Kedu ife mmadu g'eme? Na so we see am. Thank you!!! Really, thank you, Kenny.
ChiefO: If not that it's my father's birthday ehn, I would have said thunder should fire you. Who even said I'll be breastfeeding my own children sef?? LOL.
Nice Anon: Thank you ooo. He sure did have (and still has) a lot of fun. He's something else.
Vera, na today I confirm your igbo origin!!! 😀
May Vera’s Papa Live Long!!
Ogbuefi Nnanyelugo!!
LoL @ the fart therapy and multiple tongues 😀
you are most certainly your father’s daughter!!!Hppy Birthday Popsi Vera!!!
Aww happy birthday to him. Did the conversation go as you predicted?
Ur daddy sounds a funny dude. Hope daddy gets to read this dedication and our comments too.
But the farting thing, count me out…I might strangle my own dad if he does that.
happy birthday to your dad. now we know where you verasticity (hmn, grammar!) comes from!
This post is extra funny…..but happy belated birthday Papa Vera. Long life and prosperity.
P.s:- My Dad is not as old as yours yet he forgets everyone’s birthday including his.
Daddy Vera, happy happy birthday to u!
Ur dad should meet mine, I wonder who will win the farting competition,the meat-nicking competition and the humor competition! they are so alike…lol. my dad remembers EVERYONE’s birthdays!
Chineke God, this insight on your pop expains a million thingz…but the guy no well sha.LOL…truth be told, you should feel very glad that you have a dad that can make you laugh on a daily, with his mischevious ways & thingz…sorry about the goat, but good for the Rev.Sister…LMAO
aww this was so cute…!
happy birthday to Papa Vera
Happy Birthday, Baba Vera!
hope you bought him a range rover!
Happy bday daddy vera.
How will you go home when your dad told a Rev Sis she doesnt look good, even Rev Sisters want to be beautiful.
lol,
Happy birthday papa vera
Ochuko: LOL. I’m glad my Igbo origin has been confirmed. E get as e for be oh. My father is priceless.
Shona Vixen: Thank you, darl!! Yes, I am my father’s daughter. If not for anything, we look alike a lot, so there is no denying me.
Rayo: Yes, it most certainly did. He said, “Ehn ehn, you know you’re right. Today is April 4th. So I turned plus one today?” LOL
Kenn-Knotty: LOL. You think you will strangle your dad. If he does it and forces you to hail him, you’ll have no choice. He’ll read the dedication some day… maybe I’ll have to print it out cause there is no way I’ll let him visit my blog! LOL
Bumight: Thank you, my darling. I have always wondered why they didn’t name my dad “Vera.” That way, I woulda been junior. LOL
Lisa: Thanks, love. I doubt if forgetting birthdays is an age thing for these men; I think it’s more like a culture/upbringing thing. Birthdays are not important – so they think.
Smaragd: I know one thing for sure: I will not be present while they’re doing their fart competition. I will be inside air tight box watching them. The combination of both farts might be lethal.
Baroque: LOL. It explains a millions things ehn? Like what exactly? Pray, do tell! You’re mean oh; you said good for the Rev. Sister ehn? LOL. But what about me? I’m the one who suffered what my dad said. I didn’t get to go home. Anyway, I’m grateful to have him as a father. He’s too funny.
Aloted: Thank you, darling. Papa Vera will hear.
Omohemi: Buy him a range rover ke? No oh! I’m still his UNMARRIED daughter, so if anyone should be buying any range rover, it should be him… for me.
Jayla: Thank you!! Papa Vera will hear.
awwwww, u’re too cute vera
Happy belated bday to ur dad – we actually share the same day. enjoy the rest of ur week and love ur blog!!!
You are trully the daddy’s girl I tell ya