It does not matter what you decide to call yourself: girl, lady, woman, female, spinster, damsel\u2026 we all still want the same thing. We want that man that will sweep us off our feet and carry us to the land of forgotten troubles, which is why it\u2019s a tremendous pain in the rear end when you meet a man who is a man, but isn\u2019t quite the man. How many times have you had to start over because you had to accept the fact that \u201cit\u2019s just not gonna happen\u201d? I know I\u2019ve had to do so plenty times. As always, I will put my attention on Nigerian men because they are the ones I know. I have come to realize that [relationship-wise] there are three kinds of men: the stick, the worm, and the wormy stick. For most, if not all Nigerian women, we want the latter, the wormy stick, but of course, we are stuck with either the stick or the worm.<\/p>\n
You go to Cynthia\u2019s house and you meet Peter; you have a lengthy and interesting conversation with him, and at the end, he asks for your number. You give it to him, but he never calls. You run into him at the grocery store and exchange pleasantries, after which you ask \u2018how come you never called me?\u201d He says \u201cI\u2019m sorry, you look familiar, but I cannot quite remember where we met\u201d even though he\u2019s been blowing Cynthia\u2019s phone up trying to ask about you. He\u2019s the stick. He\u2019s the man that will go above and beyond to prove that he\u2019s tough and no feline can ever cut through him. He wants to make you work extra hard for everything, including things you don\u2019t even give a flying boot about. He\u2019s the man that will purposely forget your birthday and claim he \u201cforgot\u201d even though you spoke to him the day before. He\u2019s the man that will tell you how troublesome women are, and how he can do perfectly fine without them. Like hell, he can! Let\u2019s ask his mother. He\u2019s unable to show emotions, unable to accept responsibility for his actions, unable to apologize, unable to say \u201cI miss you\u201d without breaking a sweat, unable to say \u201cyou look gorgeous\u201d without loosing some hair, unable to say \u201cI love you\u201d without cracking a tooth or more, unable to make love, and unable to cuddle after \u2018sex\u2019 because he is not a \u201cp*ssy\u201d. He\u2019s the stick; he\u2019s inflexible.<\/p>\n
You go to Funmi\u2019s house and you meet Lanre; you have a lengthy conversation with him, and at the end, he asks for your number and you give it to him. You have to leave Funmi\u2019s house for another engagement, and as soon as you step your foot outside the door, your cell phone rings. You pick it up and it\u2019s Lanre; he says \u201cI miss you already, baby.\u201d He\u2019s the worm. Now, what are you supposed to say in response to that? \u201cI miss you too, pumpkin\u201d? The worm is needy and sometimes insecure. He wants to so desperately please you that he ends up repulsing you. He will call eleven times in ten minutes, and if you dare not pick up your phone, he will show up at your door because he was worried about you. On your first date, he will tell you he loves you and talk about marriage and even kids you will have for him. He will tell you how important you are to him and how he never wants to lose you. After about a week of knowing him, he will start attaching his last name to your name. In all honesty, for a man to consider you to be the one to bear his last name and have his children is an honor, but when you consider who the man is, it leaves you in a less than comfortable position. The worm is the man that will never give you a chance to miss him; \u201cdo you miss me?\u201d he will constantly ask, and deep in your guts you want to say \u201cyou mean in the five seconds that I walked from your couch to your door? Urh\u2026not really.\u201d The worm wants to be at your side 24\/7 and never gets tired or bored. I\u2019ll share a personal experience of this particular day that I was in my friend\u2019s house with blood-shot eyes and was aching to put my head on a pillow. There I was barely falling into the beta phase of sleep, and this guy (whose name I will not mention in order not to get beaten) was right next to me yelling on a cell phone. I decided to leave the leaving room couch and move to the bedroom, but he followed me (still on the cell phone). I moved back to the living room, but he followed me again; one last move to the bedroom, and guess what? He\u2019s right behind me. What\u2019s a girl to do in such a situation (apart from screaming at the top of her lungs)? And they ask me why it did not work out.<\/p>\n
Now, you go to Vera\u2019s house and you meet Toby. You have a lengthy conversation, and at the end, you exchange numbers. He asks you the best time to call you and you tell him anytime from 7pm. He calls you at 9pm and you talk for about an hour about nothing intimate, but just a little history on you both (like place of birth and middle name). He calls the next day and you talk for about two hours this time, and at the end, he asks you about your marital status. You tell him you\u2019re single, and he says he\u2019s single too. He calls you the next two days and asks you out on a date. He decides to take you to a pool parlor since you said you did not know how to play pool and would like to learn. The pool parlor would provide an opportunity for you two to talk, yet have fun. It will give him the right to intrude on your personal space without being an intruder. He compliments your outfit by saying \u201cyou\u2019re really wearing those jeans\u201d; it\u2019s a light but appreciated compliment. He\u2019s the wormy stick. You go on dates for about a month after which he makes his intentions known to you. He tells you he wants to have a relationship with you; you agree and you both put all (or at least, most) of your cards on the table and pray to God that everything goes well, and the ending is happy. He compliments you reasonably, not when you look tore up from the flo\u2019 up and he knows it, but he lies through his teeth and says \u201cbaby, you look absolutely beautiful\u201d (the worm); or when you look like a million dollars, he says \u201cwell, you hair is a little messed up, but you look alright\u2026I guess\u2026\u201d (the stick). The wormy stick is the guy who knows the beauty and magnificence of boundaries. It does not mean he is perfect, it just means that his imperfect days are way lesser than his perfect days. He gives you time to feel something that he feels instead of trying to force it on you, or pretend it isn\u2019t there. He always wants you two to be on the same page; he\u2019s always by your side, not in front of you or behind you.<\/p>\n
Women also fall into the same three categories, which is why everyone should hook up with his\/her own type. A stick should be with a stick, a worm with a worm, and a wormy stick with a wormy stick, so that way both parties receive as much as they give, and everyone one is happy. Some men see the obvious differences, but they choose to disavow the warning bells. For example, when you ask a woman \u201cyou missed me, didn\u2019t you?\u201d and she replies with \u201cok\u201d, that\u2019s not a good sign. It means she did not miss you, but she does not want to make you feel bad. If you tell a woman \u201cI love you\u201d and she replies with \u201cthanks\u201d, it means she does not quite feel the same way and\/or is not comfortable with you telling her you love her. And if she says something along the lines of \u201creally? Aww, that\u2019s so sweet\u201d, what she\u2019s really saying is \u201cyou what? You must have lost your damn mind.\u201d Or as a typical Nigerian woman would think \u201cyou\u2019re in love with who? See this fool that thinks he can get into my pants with this 3rd century lie. What year does he think this is?\u201d I remember when a friend of mine (whose name I will not mention, but she knows herself) went on a date which started out nice, but at the end, she was not feeling him at all (you know how that goes). He asked her if he could give her a kiss, and she said \u201cno, thank you.\u201d What do you interpret this answer to mean? Well, it means \u201cno, I\u2019ve had enough of you already, but thanks for offering me more nuisance.\u201d Without being told, you know he is definitely a worm. Nigerian men tend to misread every single vibe that a woman is sending. You should know when she\u2019s into your conversation, and when she isn\u2019t. If she\u2019s constantly looking around and checking her time or giving her cell phone that \u201cplease ring\u201d look, then you know you\u2019re boring her. And no, telling you that you\u2019re obnoxious does not interpret into \u201cyou\u2019re a really cool guy; I want to get to know you better.\u201d And \u201cI have a boyfriend who I\u2019m committed to\u201d does not interpret into \u201cI have someone I\u2019m talking to whom I\u2019m willing to leave as soon as you chase me harder.\u201d Get this: unreturned phone calls mean \u201cI don\u2019t want to talk to you; you\u2019re bothering me, so please refrain from dialing my number.\u201d If you have fallen in love with her before you even met her, please don\u2019t tell her that on your first, second, third or even tenth date; it reduces the weight of \u201cI love you\u201d from 1000kg to 1 once, and that is a massive loss. Give her time to like you; make her want you; make her appreciate every single second she spends with you.<\/p>\n
I cannot help but talk about this foolishness of Nigerian men: do not ask her very personal questions in the beginning, if at all. Do not ask questions like \u201care you a virgin?\u201d, \u201chow much do you weigh?\u201d, \u201cwhat\u2019s your favorite sex position?\u201d Those are the wrong questions, and God help me, I do not believe there is really ever a wonderful time to ask such questions, that is, until you know her better; as in, until you actually begin a relationship. If you\u2019re the kind that likes to spend on your woman, then read this properly: START SMALL. Some men are so eager to impress a woman that they go in dept, and I mean serious debt. Start by buying her flowers, or maybe her favorite ice cream or candy…just be creative. Ibo people say it\u2019s little by little that you lick hot soup, so please start small. Do not under any circumstance promise her more than you can give her; you want a woman to love you for who you are, not what you are or what you can do for her. Do not tell her that you\u2019ll take her to a big fancy restaurant where you\u2019ll have a candle lit dinner and end up taking her to TGIF. Now, that\u2019s something that does not look good on your credit record of relationships. And get this, girls talk. When you do nice things for them, they tell their friends, and when you go wrong, you better believe your behind is being roasted, so when you get that funny look from her friends, you know what it means. When you do go on a date, do not spend the whole time talking about yourself, your accomplishments, and yourself. If I\u2019m right, she probably stopped listening after your third sentence that started with \u201cI\u2026\u201d. Ask her about herself, but do not be too personal, and do not press her for answers when she already said \u201cI don\u2019t want to talk about it.\u201d Be a thoughtful man and open the door for her, pull her sit out for her, and if you\u2019re dining out, please don\u2019t place her order for her; that\u2019s the first sign that you must be a control freak. When you go out with a woman, she has a mental list in her head and she is watching your every move, and of course you know we are better listeners. And do not do that thing where your head practically wants to break off because your eyes are following another woman; that counts for three strikes, and if you get three strikes on one date, that means you get dropped. Breaking your neck because you are looking at another woman takes you from the list of A-Active to C-Inactive, and it will take the Grace of God to get you back on even A-Inactive; being back on A-Active will only be a figment of your imagination. Finally, please, please, please and please, be sensitive to the vibes she\u2019s sending. If she wants to be kissed, you will know. Do not spring a kiss on her lips when she is not looking or least expecting it; it\u2019s neither cute nor sexy. It\u2019s disgusting and repulsive. If I may, I\u2019d call it a lip-rape, and as soon as the congress passes it as a law, I\u2019ll be sure to put all you lip rapists behind the bar.<\/p>\n
I could go on and on and on about all the wrong things Nigerian men do, but frankly, I neither have the stamina nor the desire to do so, but with the little I have written, I wish everyone a happy dating life, and I pray to God that you meet that special someone one day (preferably before menopause and before you start receiving senior discounts at the local grocery store), Amen.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"