{"id":345,"date":"2009-07-23T04:19:00","date_gmt":"2009-07-23T04:19:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/verastic.com.s96953.gridserver.com\/site\/?p=345"},"modified":"2009-07-23T04:19:00","modified_gmt":"2009-07-23T04:19:00","slug":"i-think-im-married","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/verastic.com\/site\/social\/i-think-im-married.html","title":{"rendered":"I Think I’m Married…"},"content":{"rendered":"

…. to my Mother!!!<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
Lately, Mom and I have been having couple fights. I’ve been trying to ignore them, but I cannot ignore then anymore. At this point, we just need to decide who will be the man between us. Mom has the bigger breasts. I have the bigger butt. Hmmph. This is not gonna be an easy decision.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Yesterday, she had a score to settle with me. I was about to leave the house in the morning when she decided to tell me what I had done.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Mom:<\/b> I need to talk to you.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Me:<\/b> Uh oh. What did I do?<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Mom:<\/b> There’s something you’ve been doing lately that I don’t like.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Me:<\/b> What is it?<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Mom:<\/b> Why is it that every time you use the toothpaste, you don’t cover it back? You did it with the last toothpaste and I didn’t say anything. Now, I have bought a new one, and you’re doing the same thing again. Why?<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Me:<\/b> Uhm…<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Mom:<\/b> Let this be the first and last time you ever do it again. (Why say “let this be the <\/i>first<\/i><\/b> and last<\/b> time…” when we know this wasn’t the first, and probably won’t be the last either).<\/i><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Me:<\/b> I’m sorry, Mom. Didn’t know I was leaving the toothpaste open. <\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Nawa ooo! This our relationship sha… What next? I’m squeezing the toothpaste from the middle instead of the bottom?? Well, I’ve got a few complaints of my own (although I did not bother to list them to Mom. She might have rewarded me with a classical Nigerian back-handed slap. I’m not too old to receive a slap from my Mom).<\/i><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Complaints:<\/b> Mom leaves her magazines littered all over the living room – even though she knows she’s done with them. Why not just put them in the trash as soon as she’s done? She’s always printing something – whether it’s one page or one hundred pages. They are always crap to me. When the trash can is three-quarter full, I’m ready to take it out. Mom, on the other hand, will keep putting stuff in it until it becomes too heavy for me to carry out. I’m not a weight lifter.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
She’s always jamming the shredder. I keep telling her not to put so many papers in it. If she buys one more Obama magazine, we’re gonna have a problem. She does not put enough pepper in her food. She says I eat too much pepper like Yoruba people, and one day, all my front and side hairs will fall off like Yoruba people. Mom’s theory of the correlation between pepper and scanty hair remains to be proven. Funmi’s and Busola’s hair is full. Come to think of it, Funmi’s and Busola’s hair is chopping<\/i> in front and on the sides. Hmmmm. Could Mom be right?<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Last but not least, can somebori please tell my Mom that a du-rag is not a scarf. A scarf is not a du-rag! If I catch that woman wearing a du-rag outside one more time, there is no telling what I will be compelled to do to her and the du-rag. I can’t have my Mom looking all gangster when she’s outside. What next?? She’ll soon start blasting rap from her speakers and smoking blunts as she drives. Oh, LORD!!! <\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
There are many other complaints, but these will have to suffice for now. Meanwhile, I have to find us a divorce lawyer because with the way things are going, we’re headed straight for divorce court! <\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
P.S. Don’t forget Verastically Speakin’ airs on Saturday (July 25th) @ 10:00 AM U.S. EST\/3:00 PM Naija time. We’ll be talking about the importance (or lack of importance) of the size of certain<\/i> body parts. Yum! To listen to it on Saturday, just click HERE<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/b><\/span> (or call 1-646-929-1905 to listen in and\/or join the conversation).<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

…. to my Mother!!! Lately, Mom and I have been having couple fights. I’ve been trying to ignore them, but I cannot ignore then anymore. At this point, we just need to decide who will be the man between us. Mom has the bigger breasts. I have the bigger butt. Hmmph. This is not gonnaRead More<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"rop_custom_images_group":[],"rop_custom_messages_group":[],"rop_publish_now":"initial","rop_publish_now_accounts":{"twitter_14738191_14738191":""},"rop_publish_now_history":[],"rop_publish_now_status":"pending","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[],"tags":[6,164,5],"class_list":["post-345","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","tag-funny","tag-marriage","tag-mom","entry"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nI Think I'm Married... - Verastic<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/verastic.com\/site\/social\/i-think-im-married.html\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Vera Ezimora\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/verastic.com\/site\/social\/i-think-im-married.html\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/verastic.com\/site\/social\/i-think-im-married.html\",\"name\":\"I Think I'm Married... - Verastic\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/verastic.com\/site\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2009-07-23T04:19:00+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/verastic.com\/site\/#\/schema\/person\/2c1b7969fbea03a45b97d54a5228cc1a\"},\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/verastic.com\/site\/social\/i-think-im-married.html#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/verastic.com\/site\/social\/i-think-im-married.html\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/verastic.com\/site\/social\/i-think-im-married.html#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/verastic.com\/site\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"I Think I’m Married…\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/verastic.com\/site\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/verastic.com\/site\/\",\"name\":\"Verastic\",\"description\":\"Recklessly authentic.\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/verastic.com\/site\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/verastic.com\/site\/#\/schema\/person\/2c1b7969fbea03a45b97d54a5228cc1a\",\"name\":\"Vera Ezimora\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/verastic.com\/site\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/f6c1e19c23a08351aab97f35d3ca650f0b87e7e96937f85baf0faf6e0834bc51?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/f6c1e19c23a08351aab97f35d3ca650f0b87e7e96937f85baf0faf6e0834bc51?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Vera Ezimora\"},\"description\":\"I mean, I'm a lot of things - a Writer, Blogger, Speaker, Vlogger, Content Creator, Storyteller, Truth-Sayer, Milk-Lover, Yogurt-Addict, Entrepreneur, Daughter, Wife, Mom, & Nwa Jesu. 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