It’s not my Dad’s birthday today, but I just feel like blogging about him. Let’s say I want you to know a bit about the man whose loins I have made proud (eww). Maybe I’ll blog about my mom next time.<\/p>\n
In my XX years on earth, I still think my dad is the funniest man ever. He says and does the silliest things. He says & does things that really make me stay up late @ night & ponder about his sanity. Like…<\/p>\n
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When he farts (and I mean long, loud, stinky farts), he forces us (including my mom) to all hail him, “Ogbuefi!” I think that is the silliest thing ever. It’s bad enough that you have farted; now you want me to praise you on top of it?<\/em><\/p>\n ***<\/strong>He won’t let us leave the room when he farts. We must inhale the bomb.<\/p>\n ***<\/strong>He has an unnatural love for cashew nuts, and I think I love them just as much. Only thing is that I’m afraid of pimples.<\/p>\n ***<\/strong>He’s late for EVERYTHING. If he weren’t his own boss, I’m sure he would have been fired for lateness.<\/p>\n ***<\/strong>When I was in Naija, we used to go late to church for the dumbest things. Usually, it was because my dad was fascinated by the hens & cocks that were perambulating our compound. So instead of getting ready for church, he’d sit outside and watch them. The funny thing is, I became fascinated by them too. I used to just sit outside & watch them @ odd times.<\/p>\n ***<\/strong>Dad would miss church sometimes and tell us to go ahead, claiming that he would stay home and pray the rosary instead. When we’re leaving the house, dad would already be on his knees reciting the thing. When we come back almost two hours later, the man will still be in the same position – except this time his eyes will be red. But he’ll claim he wasn’t sleeping oh. It’s just that he decided to pray the rosary more than once. Yeah, right! lol.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n ***<\/strong>He has a remarkable ability. He can tell the resemblance between a human being and almost anything. He told some lady that she looked like a maggot. Honestly, she really did look like a maggot. I have come to realize that people often look like weird things to me too. Like this very handsome guy friend of mine who looks like cabin biscuit. I also know someone who looks like a carrot. And I know this man who looks like a cat. But don’t misunderstand me; they’re not ugly @ all oh. They just look like other things to me.<\/p>\n ***<\/strong>My dad always gets confused on those roundabout things on the road. He never goes around them once. He must go @ least twice.<\/p>\n ***<\/strong>He’s very, very careless. Every time we give him the keys to the house, he loses them. We stopped giving them to him.<\/p>\n ***<\/strong>My dad swears that snails look like vajayjays. I don’t eat snails, but the fact that he even said they look like vajayjays makes them even less appealing. Yuck!!! But he eats them oh. He eats anything. <\/p>\n ***<\/strong>He’s a meat lover. He says, ‘the maggot in a fish is the meat, so eat them all.’<\/p>\n I could go on & on about this man, but how much time do you have? I look very much like my father, and we get along pretty darn well. He calls me, ‘mummy’ coz his mom has gone to a better place (I never met her). I think I blush when he calls me that. lol. Needless to say, I treat the man like my baby. When he falls asleep on the couch, I cover him up. I dust his shoes for him, I eat with him, I sit on his laps… I do everything. So anyway, maybe it’s because of him I am ‘weird.’ I got my weird genes from him. He got them from his mother. He looks a lot like her. Her name was Susan. He was gonna name me Susan….but Vera happened. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"