How My Marriage Ended<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\nOh, yes, he heard it. But he did not believe in all that juju stuff, he said. And was I sure it was juju anyway? Because it sounded crazy that someone as enlightened as The Boy would bring juju. The Boy was formally educated, I told Paul, but it did not mean he was enlightened. Formal education and enlightenment can be mutually exclusive. “<\/em>But did you tell him not to hit you again?”<\/em> Paul asked. Now, this one made me erupt in a kind of ruckus laghter. Did I tell him not to hit me again, ke? (A)<\/strong> That’s not how this works, and (B)<\/strong> That’s not how this works.<\/p>\nOh, but it is! Paul argued. You just tell him to stop and he’ll stop. What I stopped was arguing with Paul because I quickly realized what a waste of my time it was. One of the many things I have learned from this ordeal is the importance of my story and the truth of it. Before I shared my story, I knew that not everyone would believe or support me, and I was perfectly okay with that. A person’s lack of belief, support, or understanding does not take anything away from me or my story. I said what I said, and I stand by it. Not everyone is meant to understand it, and that’s okay.<\/p>\n
On the issue of the juju, Paul tried to make me understand that even if The Boy brought juju, the thing was powerless, and the evidence was in the fact that I was doing even much better than before. I did not have to leave The Boy on account of the juju, Paul said. But when dining with the enemy, Paul reminded me that I needed to dine with a long spoon. My response was, how about I just don’t dine with the enemy at all? Why would I want to be married to someone I considered my enemy? And why would I continue to dine with said enemy? It is counter-intuitive and counter-productive to be married to an enemy. Now, those two are definitely mutually exclusive. You’re either a husband or an enemy, but you cannot be both.<\/p>\n
Let’s dissect this notion that women no longer know how to be married. They are not patient like our mothers and our mothers’ mothers. Anyone who thinks that a woman who chooses not to be tortured in the name of marriage does not know how to be married is a wild animal who needs to be locked up somewhere and not be allowed to procreate, lest he\/she birth more animals to carry on this ludicrous belief.<\/p>\n
Marriage is not easy, but it does not have to be as difficult as we make it. The reasons why our mothers stayed in their marriage were because:<\/p>\n
A)<\/strong> They did not have a choice. Or they did not know they had a choice.<\/p>\nB)<\/strong> They were completely dependent on their husbands for survival.<\/p>\nC)<\/strong> They cared what people would say if they left their marriage.<\/p>\nD)<\/strong> The men were different. They were assholes, but they were assholes that provided for their family. Today’s men are assholes who live off their women and expect their women to be grateful.<\/p>\nToday’s women are different. We know we have options, and we know what those options are. We are not dependent on our husbands for survival. We have jobs. We make money. We save money. Sometimes, we even make more than our husbands. If they don’t provide for us or our children, we will do it ourselves, and we will do it better and have some change left. I will not make a man feel that he isn’t needed, but should-in-case<\/em> he wants to find out, I will not neglect to show him how much he is not needed. Today’s women value their peace.<\/p>\nThese are not the rantings of an angry Black woman. I still believe in marriage, and I still want to be married some day. I’d like to do the life thing with a man I love who loves me right back. I still love men, especially Black men, and most especially, my Nigerian men. But I don’t love them more than I love myself. I don’t love marriage more than I love my peace.<\/p>\n
My belief in marriage has not waivered. Long before I got married, I believed that marriage was not by force, and that no man born of a woman will “suffer” me in the name of being my husband. Such a man has not been born. It will never happen. Not to me. He may try, but ultimately, he will be very quickly released from his husbandly duties. I’d rather be married happily ever after, but divorce is always an option. I-don’t-want-to-do-again is always an option.<\/p>\n
Now, more than ever, I simply cannot manage just any type of relationship. I want a relationship that I enjoy being in and one that will make me and my partner thrive. I want a relationship with a man who is not a fool and not as asshole. I want him to be a tall man with a bearded face, long fingers, and twins in his genes. And I want to have a kind of relationship with him that Ada Verastic can look up to and want for herself one day. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so, and I know he exists.<\/p>\n
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you need to save yourself.<\/p>\n