I met my husband when I traveled to Nigeria some years ago. We fell in love and dated via telephone and internet. You know how that goes. We dated this way (and saw each other twice during the relationship) before we finally got married in Abuja in August of 2013. Yes, we have been married for less than a year.
I started filing for him in January of this year, but I’m still waiting to hear from Immigration. You know how long it takes them to do things. About a week after I submitted the application, a guy that I used to know came into my life again. I’ll call him John. I have known John for about 17 years, and we have always had that off and on attraction to each other. We have never dated, never had sex, and never even kissed, but there’s always been that vibe. We have always had each other’s numbers, but our conversations are here and there. We may talk everyday for one month and then no communication for the next 6 months.
Until this recent reconnection, I have never thought too much about John. This time, I cannot stop obsessing over him. I’m constantly thinking about him and getting sexually aroused at the thought of him. We still have never had sex or done anything close to it, but for the first time ever, John and I are actually being verbal about our feelings.
My best friend is the only one who knows what’s going on, and she has advised me not to sleep with John, no matter what. She says that I should not cheat, but that if I must, I should not do it with John. She is convinced that whatever I feel for John right now is only temporary, and I don’t even think she takes my obsession with John seriously. She thinks I only want to sleep with John because my husband isn’t here, but she couldn’t be more wrong.
Because I spend all this time talking to John, it’s making me question my marriage. Did I do the right thing? Did I marry the right person? Did I move too fast? Should I have waited to marry him? What if John is the one? Do I just want him because I have never had him — and it’s taboo to have him now? Ultimately, what I want to know is should I cheat my husband?
Ann
My response:
Dear Ann,
Unfortunately, I cannot really answer your questions about whether you married the right man or whether you rushed into marriage with him because there are details that we obviously don’t know. I don’t know if what you feel for John is love or infatuation, but I will not advise you to have sex with him under any circumstance. See, whether you married the right man or not does not change the fact that you are married, so sleeping with another man should not be an option. You need to decide who you want: your husband or John. You cannot have both. The answer to your ultimate question is, no, you should not cheat on your husband.
If you’re reading this post, please contribute your opinion, too.
Read more Dear Vera posts here.
There are 3 ways to submit questions to Dear Vera:
1. E-mail me directly blog@verastic.com
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3. Ask me a question via my ask.fm page. Truly anonymous, but it only allows 300 characters, so if your question is longer than 300 characters, you may need to revert to option 1 or 2 above.
Dear Vita,
Why must you guys always use John everytime you don’t wanna put up the wwhosoever name? Now many people reading this would think it’s me…abeg oo.. my girl is a quick temper person.
Back to the story.. dear aspiring cheater, did you ever told John you are married? By the way is he single? However whatever the answer is…..It doesn’t make sense cheating on your husband.
*Tell John…
Na wa oh! People now ask for permission to cheat. Dear Ann it doesn’t matter what we tell you to do or not do on here because you will go right ahead and do what YOU think is right because ultimately the final decision lies with you. So my question to you is this do you or don’t you want to cheat on your husband? Answer that and then take it from there…
I wonder what the writer expected. Like Vera would be like….”my dear, long distance is not easy, so it’s okay to help yourself as long as your husband doesn’t know….blah blah blah”
The long distance isn’t really an excuse. From what you wrote, the relationship had always been that way. If you considered all that and still went ahead with the marriage, then you might as well remain faithful.
A cheating spouse would find a way to cheat regardless of where the significant other is located. That means even if your husband is physically with you, the way you feel about John wouldn’t necessarily change unless you deal with it.
If you’ve made up to mind not to cheat, I’d suggest you tell your husband about this guy (you don’t have to go into the full details about how you feel towards him). I think that’d be a good way to keep you accountable.
Nice topic Vera. Your response was point as well 🙂
Lol! Vera would never advise such. She is nice, not stupid. Love your comment, Man.
*Smiling* I quite understand our dear Vera is being nice. The thing is, we all make a lot of decisions, and a whole lot are hasty.
If there is something obvious throughout the text, it is how hasty everything is. Even the text is hasty, leaving so many key points untouched.
You met someone in Nigeria during one of your visits, got into a relationsnhip somehow, met twice and decided to marry. And all these happened within the confines of a “couple of years.” I’d say 2, max, but I would not judge.
You got married and, within a year, a person you had an “on-and-off” attraction for came into the scene. You knew him for almost a decade and forgot him during the relationship between your man and you.
Now he is back and you suddenly became more “verbal” with your feelings”. You now question your marriage.
Your Friend thinks it is not serious, but you believe she could not be “more wrong”. For once you are right; This is serious. Can you see what I am seeing?
Haste! Haste! Haste!
Everything from the beginning of the story is hasty. So hasty, it bothers me. No, I am not judging. Wait, we all do this same thing some times.
Here is my advice: The new sex thing you are anticipating is another haste, and trust me, This is not the kind of haste of which you would be able to ask Vera for Advice for when the Consequences come.
You have made mistakes in the past. Time to settle down and make the mistakes right. Please, do not commit another.
I am sharing this on my blog though. This is quite a thing! Permission To Cheat, Lol!
The whole Naija long distance thingy just amazes me mahn. You mean to tell me that in the whole USofA, you couldn’t find just one guy for you? SMH!!! As a guy, I advise you to do you. Your husband in Nigeria is 98% not faithful to you, abeg do you.
Your first mistake, marrying in Naija. Second, you are not a fun person ( U probably spend your time in your Naija church and never goes out).
My advise, go and fun with John jare, your husband is having fun with Nike as we speak…
@Uche …There’s nothing really wrong with long distance relationships. I’m in one right now going on three years ..and yes I can tell u in the whole of Baltimore..I havent found a guy just like my boyfiriend..
Really though? People are now asking these types of questions though? I dont know you probably never really loved the guy. you’ll meet lots of guys like the one who’s currently making you think of cheating..it’s up to you to be strong and committed to the person you married
woow.. this is serious.
should you cheat on your husband, the obvious and true answer is NOOOOO.
17 years tho? thats a lonnnnngggg time to have feelings for someone without “verbalizing” it. John is probabaly not worth it… worth you. some people are just really better as friends.
I think people should endeavour to be less judgemental…. i know i tend to jump into conclusions based on my own point of view, but i am working on that….. Ann has only asked a question, she didnt say she slept with the guy, well at least not yet… lol
Dear Ann, DO NOT sleep with John ooo… abeg.
@Uche… i am in a long distance relationship too… i’m sure it has its negatives, just as the “regular” relationship. LDRs are way more complicated tho, i agree. But they are not totally bad as you stated.
Non, mon amour je ne peux pas envoyer ce soir parce que je n’ai pas de photo de mon téléphone maintenant et je suis sur mes vêtements de nuit déjà celui que j’utilise dans skype. Il ne sera pas facile pour moi maintenant. S’il vous plaît mon amour permet de laisser pour demain. Et je vous remercie de votre compréhension pour envoyer € 700. 300 pour Dr Okosu et 400 pour moi. Merci beaucoup mon amour doux “étreintes” Vous êtes un chouchou. Je t’aime Jérôme et je vais toujours aimer et vous respecter. mmwwaahh