I consider myself a sensitive person. I don’t mean that I am overly sensitive to what people say or do to me, but that I am sensitive to people and their situations, and I try to be mindful of what I say or do, knowing that I don’t know everyone’s story. But recently, I have felt insensitive.
So the other day, I met a beautiful black lady and we struck up a conversation when I complimented her [dread] locks. You know I have been fantasizing about shaving my hair off and/or locking it. Because of my current feelings about locks, I have been seeing locks everywhere.
While talking to this lady about locks, she also told me that her husband was Nigerian. So, of course, I became even more animated — as if I’ll get a royalty for meeting the wife of a Nigerian man.
Back to the conversation about locks, she urged me to stop dreaming about it and go ahead and do it. I told her that I recently shaved my entire hair off (I know I haven’t mentioned it here, but yes, I shaved my hair off!). She asked me why I did that, and I told her that after I had my baby, my hair changed. Not only did it refuse to grow, but it was also falling off everywhere, so I shaved it all off.
She went on to tell me about the time – years ago – when she shaved all her hair off, and without letting her finish what she was saying, I asked, “Why? Did you have a baby too?” I meant no harm by it, but when she answered, “No,” there was no hole big enough to swallow me.
It was not what she said that gutted me; it was how she said it. There was sadness in her eyes, and I immediately felt like the biggest jerk ever. I don’t usually make mistakes like this. It’s Funmie who usually does things like this (sorry Funmie!). It’s possible, of course, that I am overreacting and being hypersensitive, but I usually make fun of people who say insensitive things, and here I was committing the same crime.
Obviously, I could not have known anything before speaking to her, and even now, what I assume to know is really just that: an assumption. Still, I scolded myself. I should have used my tongue to count my teeth before speaking, instead of just opening my mouth and saying the first thing that came to my mind.
The good news – if you can call it that – is that I did not see her “alleged” sadness and respond (like my fellow Nigerians) by saying, “Don’t worry, your own too will come!”
Do you think I’m overthinking it? Or am I right to scold myself?
I would have felt bad too
but don’t worry you meant no harm
Chei. That was a mess up sha.
That’ interesting about your personal cares whether on baby or adult. Are you saying that people must make it a must to shave their hair. ? we must all imbibe good moral hygiene as Nigerians. The country itself is not clean; is because most of us are not clean internally. That is why the environment is dirty. who is that shining black damsel? Her face look familiar on Instagram. his she in the United states? l will like to know her. How is Maryland? I changed my mind of traveling to New York? l prefer Atlanta the air fare is better to renew my passport. take care
Vera, where are you? Come and answer these questions o.
Loooooool. Manny, please just leave me alone oh. See how you’re finding trouble.
Joseph, I don’t even know how to begin to respond to your comments, so I’ll just say, OKAY.
If only I had a nickel for every time I made this mistake. 😁😁
It’s okay! Once you know better, you do better 🙂
I hate “Don’t worry, your own too will come!” With a passion. As a 30-something, yet-to-be-married, yet-to-be-a-mother Nigerian woman, I hear this way too often. It’s condescension disguised as concern
Oh Tayo, seems like we’re kindred spirits. I get/got that so often I had to cut off some people. Very condescending
Chei. On behalf of our people, I apologize to you and Tayo.So crazy.
I completely agree!!! Also, it assumes that the person actually wants whatever it is you’re telling them will come. Not everyone wants to be married with children or whatever the situation. But yeah, condescension is a great way to describe this act.
It was an honest mistake Vera, don’t take it to heart. Good thing you realized that and hopefully not make that same gaffes in future.
My dear, I will definitely be very, very careful! I got carried away this time.
I’m noticing women shave their heads after traumatic events. Don’t beat yourself up, it’s not like you asked her about pregnancy out of the blue– it’s human nature to assume she meant that she had the same reason for shaving her head.
Anyways, hope you are doing OK Vera, I don’t know you, but I can read between the lines.
Belle, God bless you. Thanks a lot for your comment. To be completely honest, I have definitely gone through some things. 2017 was a difficult year, but I know that in the end, it happened to save my life. That said, although I shaved my hair off, I did it long before the events occurred. Unless I was seeing into the future and being proactive. Lol.
How are you? what is the latest. ls that on the cover page your staff.
Joseph, I’m good. Thanks.
Lol! I know how you feel. I have done this a couple of times.
One the I asked a woman how her kids were. I honestly thot I had seen her with kids b4. Didn’t know she was waiting.I felt so bad and started praying for her from that day. The good news is, not long after she had a baby.
Countless times I have said things I wish I could take back, many time innocently. I know the feeling
Chei. Well, like you said, the good news is that she has had a baby now.