So much has happened in 2020. The pandemic. George Floyd (and many others). Black Lives Matter protests. The looting and violence thereafter. End Sars. Nigeria’s missing president. Nigeria’s military killing its own people. Andrew Gillum coming out as bisexual (as if he’s telling us something he did not already show us). Kobe Bryant. Kobe’s daughter, Gigi. The Black Panther is gone. Rest in peace, Chadwick Boseman. Wakanda Forever!
Then there’s the Meghxit of Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan. Gwyneth Paltrow and her vagina candle (which sold out in minutes, by the way). Then Australia practically burned to the ground. And what about Iran issuing a warrant for the arrest of the sitting president of the United States? I know I already mentioned the pandemic, but seriously, Cororavirus! COVID-19! Sometimes better known as the Chinese Virus. And what are they eating over there in China? Oh, the job losses. So many people out of work. People have exhausted their unemployment.
Masks are the new fashion statement now. You can get them in every color and print. Hand sanitizers can be given as gifts. Clorox and Lysol wipes still haven’t made a full recovery. One time, America almost ran out of bathroom tissue, and we were close to wiping our asses with newspaper. Or leaves. Oh, baby wipes were gone, of course. Harvey Weinstein happened too. Aunt Jemina left the syrup bottle. Then there were locust swarms in East Africa. Chris Oyakhilome used mathematics to predict rapture. Yes, people are still going to his church. He also said that Coronavirus is a way for the Antichrist to dominate the world via 5G. Seriously, people are still going to his church. Daddy Freeze is also still fighting with Pastors (and he’s doing it with the bible). Countries shut their borders for months. And these are not even everything that has happened so far in 2020!
So, in light of that, I figured that me becoming a lesbian would probably not be any stranger than the occurrences of 2020. The thing is that, in the past couple of months, I have gotten to know a couple of lesbians (Ruth and Uju, both of African descent), and they are pretty damn cool. But it was not until Ruth told me that lesbians average about 56 orgasms per month that I really began to think about my own life. I have never had 56 orgasms in a month. Or in two months. Or in three months. Or even in six months. In fact, I cannot say that I have definitely had 56 orgasms in a year. Meanwhile, the lesbians are smiling.
As one who also likes to smile, I am now wondering how much wider my smile can be. I do face the stumbling block of not actually being attracted to women. So, a different idea has popped up. Maybe I can be popularly known as the lesbian who doesn’t do anything, kind of like in Vegetales where they have the pirates who don’t do anything.
I am reminded at this time of the lesbian coworker who liked me and wanted to flip me over like a biscuit. I still don’t know what that means. But if I am going to be the lesbian who doesn’t do anything, then should I not at least turn this into a money-making venture and a side hustle? The average millionaire, they say, has about 7 streams of income. Perhaps, I could become a non-lesbian lesbian hugger, giving lingering hugs to all (lesbians and otherwise). Or maybe I could be a celebrity non-lesbian lesbian, paid lots of money for appearances and photo ops.
Today’s election weighs heavily on my mind right now, and it has surely played a role in inspiring this post. I do not know who will win today’s election, nor do I know the America we will be living in tomorrow or if I will have to turn this hustling idea into a reality. My pastor has told us several times that neither republicans nor democrats can save America, so while I intentionally avoid the news today, I’ll go to bed early remembering that no one can save me. And no matter who wins, lesbians still have about 56 orgasms a month.
Oh, and this picture, it was taken in 2014. My cousin recently told me that I look like a lesbian in it, hence its appearance in this post. Can the real lesbians please confirm? Also, I should have prefaced this post by warning Aunty Chinelo not to read it. It speaks of two things she does not like to discuss: lesbianism and orgasms. I don’t know why she does not like to talk about orgasms. Although, I don’t want to talk to her about orgasms either.
Again, lesbians = 56 orgasms a month. Vera = non-lesbian lesbian. Also, also, this is 2020.
My chwest!ππ
I just ‘kent’
Mama Ada don’t ever off your mic ooo because hilarious is your middle name.