Funmie says I need therapy. She’s probably right. I should probably be exploring mental health support. So much has happened in the past few years, but losing my mom tops them all. My mom passed away in April 2022, and then, the rest of the year just became busy with other changes and realities in my life. Planning a funeral, for example, was a reality I was not ready to face. I did not think I was old enough or experienced enough to be burying a parent. But I did.
Exploring mental health support is one of those things I have privately and publicly championed. I was all for exploring mental health support, and although I never got around to doing so for myself, it was something I thought I’d do one day when it was convenient for me. I would lie down on someone’s deep, comfortable couch and tell them about all my pains, worries, hopes, and dreams. I’d tell them about my childhood and about motherhood and everything in between. I did not anticipate I’d be living through a loss and needing to talk to someone about it, no I did not plan on having a new pain to discuss, you know? I was just going to talk about the old stuff.
Then, of course, there are days that I ask myself, “Do I really need to talk to someone?” I mean, I have Jesus, right? He did say that all who labor should come to Him, right? Do I need a human being to listen to me? I don’t know if these thoughts were compelled by pride or humility. Or maybe fear. Pride because I have too much God in me to need a mere mortal. And humility because I recognize that I cannot do it on my own and that God uses humans to help humans. But also fear because what if I talk to the wrong person? What if I talk to a textbook therapist who has no compassion, no Jesus, no emotional intelligence, and no tact? Sure, I could just get a new therapist, but now, the tactless therapist knows my stuff. Oh, what if the therapist is a distraction from the devil? Or maybe I’m just overthinking, as usual. I’m probably overthinking.
By the time 2023 rolled around, I was just existing. I was functional, but I was not functioning. Does that make any sense? It took me weeks to write this because writing about my mom is hard work. Somehow, though, I feel better every time I do. I did not even start this post with the intention of talking about my mom. I just wanted to come in and say hello.
Picture taken on one random Sunday evening in my bathroom
Grief is weird. You’re going around, drinking your water, and minding your business, and it hits you in the face. Hard. I am not crying right now, I promise, but I was crying in the first several paragraphs, which is why it took me so long to write this post. I am okay now.
Yesterday was Easter, and it was nice. In the weeks before Easter, I read many arguments online about whether “Easter” is pagan or not. There were also arguments about whether Good Friday should be celebrated or not because it is ominous to celebrate death. I did not partake in any of these arguments because I found all of them to be utterly ridiculous. I will not say that I have figured out everything about Jesus Christ – because I haven’t, and I think it is impossible to figure out everything – but I think these arguments are mere distractions from the issue on ground: He died for us, and He is risen. Calling it Easter or Resurrection Sunday does not matter as much as your relationship with Him. Of course, I have completely gone off track.
How have you been? How was your Easter? And what kind of mental health support are you receiving, if any?
Hi Vera
Happy Easter to you and Ada.
I’ve practically asked myself all these questions about therapy and seeing a therapist .but I end saying I’m going to wing it.
Anyway, I pray you keep finding strength as you navigate through this.
❤️❤️
Chizzy, it’s not an easy path to walk on. So many questions. I always say I’ll wing it, too, but I keep coming back to the questions, so maybe I need to stop trying to wing it. Lol. Thank you for the prayer. 🙂
Hello Vera.
My mantra has always been “take your time”. Take as much time as you need to grief. I lost a very good romantic relationship in 2020 and i am still grieving four years after. That was just a relationship that lasted all of 3 years but yours was your mother so i can understand if you are still in grief. Its hard Vera but lean on everything else that gives you joy. We are always here for you.
Give Ada Verastic our warmest regards.
I’m reading, replying, and wiping tears from my eyes because you people leave comments here that pierce my heart – in a good way. Thank you. I appreciate it. I’m sorry you lost your relationship. Grief is a bastard. I’m taking my time, but sometimes, I feel like I have taken too much time. Still, I won’t force anything. I’ll take it easy.
You made my medical school days so worthwhile. I always look forward to reading your posts. Now, a doctor and anytime I reminsinsce about my undergraduate days, I was glad I was in your corner( an avid reader and follower ).
I am so sorry about your loss. This was exactly how I felt when my marriage ended in 2020…. I was breathing, but felt breathless….
The love I got from my siblings and parents made up for all the pain I experienced in the marriage. I spoke to a mental health therapist ( she’s my aunt)…, we had lots of conversations that was quite beneficial for me.
I spoke to a couple of women that have gone through the same experience. I also found my way back to your blog think a year ago( I went solo nd just disappeared from everything when the marriage crashed., it was too much for me to handle at that time ), and was glad to see how you walked through a similar ordeal better and stronger !
Healing is in layers and takes time… The death of a loved one can be devastating. Give yourself time and I think you should explore the mental health support path !..
Happy Easter to you and cute Ada
Kemi, I become a bit tearful every time an “old” reader shows up and comments. Life was so much simpler then. I’m sorry you went through a divorce. I definitely know what that feels like. What’s funny now in hindsight is that the pain of the divorce was nothing compared to the pain of losing my mom. In fact, the divorce pain is always laughable to me at this point. I need to stop asking God for strength. I think He’s misunderstanding the assignment. Lol.
Sorry you had to go through the pain of losing a parent. I lost my dad in 2018 unexpectedly and theost shocking thing to me is how the world did not pause. Still shocks me. I also separated in 2020 and divorce finalized in 2022. Therapy has been invaluable to me and I actually want to get my 6yr old into therapy as well as she struggles with not seeing her dad who has chosen to ghost the kids probably to punish me. Hugs to you.
THIS.
I am yet to write about it. I’m glad that you got some therapy and it made a difference. I am encouraged. As for men who think they’re punishing their ex-wives by abandoning the children, that is a story for another day. Please get her into therapy. I pray for healing for all.
What i found is that the pain never goes away, you just sort of adapt to it – in the various ways via which we humans cope with pain.
I don’t believe in therapy myself and that is largely because as a long compulsive highly intelligent overthinker, I think (or at least hope i do) have a good grasp of where i am f(&d up and how to un-fxk myself. I also have a good network of likeminded self aware people i talk too.
T, I agree with you on the pain never going away. Initially, I was in a hurry to “get over” the pain, but I have found that there is no such thing. The grief just takes a nap occasionally, but it always wakes up – sometimes more aggressively than before it slept. I believe in therapy, although I am yet to experience it.
Hi Vera
Easter was ok for me ,just getting myself through pain of marital woes but therapy I tell myself is good, one day I will speak to someone.
But am sending you a Massive Hug and asking God to comfort you always. xx
Rachael,
I’m so sorry, darling. You know I know what that feels like lol. If you ever need to talk/vent, I’m here for you. ***Massive hugs right back at you***