Two weeks ago, I had the pleasure of watching the Golden Globe Awards. While I enjoy watching almost most awards of this kind, I usually do not get to watch the red carpet. They’re just going to tell me what they are wearing, and since I cannot afford them yet, what does it matter?
But this time, I sat in front of my television at 6pm, searched for Channel E, and enjoyed the red carpet. From the red carpet to the actual award show, I could not help but notice some differences between Hollywood and Nollywood, and like the true observer that I am, I also could not help but note these differences. Dear Hollywood, please take note.
In no particular order, here are some lessons that Hollywood can learn from Nollywood.
1. Don’t just stand on the red carpet with no gadgets; it’s rude. Next time, bring your iPads, iPhones, Samsungs, and Blackberries. We, the people, need to know what gadget you use to communicate with the media gods.
2. Indulge us in a game of guess-the-event. Hollywood award shows tend to have a constant theme of glamour and elegance; this is boring and predictable. Do it, instead, like Nollywood where people wear anything and everything: jeans, lace, baseball caps, short knickers, miniskirts, leggings, kaftans, bathroom slippers, and Ankara.
3. Hire unique hosts and entertainers. You always tend to hire people who actually have something to do with Hollywood. Again, this is boring and predictable. Instead, be like Nollywood and hire people who have nothing to do with Nollywood, and may or may not have ever been to Nigeria. Like R. Kelly, Idris Elba, Chris Brown, and Morris Chestnut. For your convenience, I have gathered a list of people that may work perfectly for you: Jim Iyke, 9ice, Ramsey Noah (if you prefer them yellow), and of course, Mr. Ibu.
4. When accepting your award and giving thanks, do not limit it to just God, your family, your producers, directors, etc. Remember to mention the other people. In Nollywood, we never forget to mention the likes of Ndubuisi & Sons Nig. Limited, Eleganza Boutique, and To God Be The Glory Transportation Corporation.
5. Why do you only allow the celebrities on the red carpet? No, no, no. In Nollywood, everyone gets to be on the red carpet. From the producer’s niece, to the neighbors of the hall being rented, and even to the camera men. That way, they can all be recognized as “Guests” on blogs.
6. Nominate people for categories they are not fit for. Example, let an on-air personality be nominated for Best Television Presenter (and let this nominee win).
7. Find the worst possible outfit for the occasion and wear it.
8. Celebrities of Hollywood should quit hiring make-up artists. Instead, do your own make-up, and do it in the dark. Then, take pictures of it with your Blackberry (don’t forget to turn the flash on), and post the pictures on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. REPEAT.
9. If you are wearing red bottoms – as you should be – do whatever you need to do to strike a pose that will show these soles. Same applies to if you are carrying Louis Vuitton bags. If you have no knowledge of how to strike said pose, please see Yvonne Nelson for free tutorials.
10. Lastly, when interviewed and asked about actors and actresses that inspire you, do not mention anyone in Hollywood. Instead, mention the likes of Pete Edochie, Omotola, and Tonto. In Nollywood, we tend to mention Julia Roberts, Leonardo DiCaprio, and George Clooney – all people who have starred in multiple Nollywood blockbusters.
Believe me, Hollywood, you will thank me later. It may not be in this lifetime (or ever), but you will thank me. Eventually. Good luck.
P.S. Happy February!