Dear Saint Valentine

Dear Saint Valentine,

I have a problem. A BIG problem. Your anniversary is on a Saturday. A Saturday! For the past few years, I have been able to come up with the perfect excuse for why I did not do anything special i.e. romantic on Valentine’s Day: it was a week day; I was busy. I was on the phone with a friend the other day and she happened to mention that Valentine’s Day was on a Saturday, to which I answered – without thinking obviously – “Oh, that’s great!” Then it struck me. What was so great about Valentine’s Day being on a Saturday? The mere thought of it makes me feel like I am breaking out in shingles.

Some years ago, Valentine’s Day was on a Monday. As usual, I had no plans, and I did not feel bad either – thank God for the huge exam I had that morning. As far as I was concerned, the only reason why I was not out having a lovely moment with a loved one was because it was a Monday. Who cared if there was no loved one to actually have a lovely time with? No one had to know the truth. But I came home that day overwhelmed by all the love-struck people I saw along the way. People had huge red and pink balloons in their cars, blocking their vision – and mine. The cold weather did not deter lovers from standing at bus stops and swapping spit, all in the name of kissing. God, I wished I was swapping spit with someone.

Desperate times have always called for desperate measures, so in my loneliness – dare I say, desperation – I did the unthinkable. I sent a ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ text message to a little coward who appeared in the form of a human being and called itself a man. I did not know then what I saw in it. Now that time has passed, I really, really do not know what I saw in it. It is amazing the heights a girl will climb to avoid loneliness on Valentine’s Day. My love for meat made me call a cow my brother, but you see, it just goes to show that your anniversary does bad things to good people. I needed company (even if it was on the phone), dear Saint Valentine, so please do not judge me. Alright, fine. You can judge me. I made a dumb move. If I could do it all over again, I would rather count the hairs on my head than send that text message. But I digress.

I was wondering if you, dear lovely Saint Valentine, could talk to the people – whoever they are – who made the calendar and have them do one of two things. They could either reschedule your anniversary for another day (like Monday, and this time, I promise not to do anything foolish), or they could assign you a completely new anniversary date (although I do love your anniversary being exactly one month after mine). Another option – one that I actually prefer – is for you to find me something fun to do – with someone, that is.

If there were a way for me to avoid going to stores like Wal-Mart where aisles and aisles are coated with pink and red – all things Valentine, I would. I am not quite sure how you intended for people to celebrate your anniversary, but newsflash…only the passionate lovers get a kick out of it. In spite of what the Hallmark and Mahogany cards may want us to believe, your anniversary is not a day for brotherly and sisterly love to be rewarded and/or exhibited. Your anniversary has little to no tolerance for agape love. It is all about passionate, romantic love – an area where I am currently dangerously deficient in.

If you know as much about love as history portrays that you do, then you should know that being deficient in passionate, romantic love can lead to destructive behaviors – like texting certain people one would otherwise not have texted. Other adverse effects of not having this type of love on Valentine’s Day include clutching one’s stuffed animal a little too tightly, crying for every movie, commercial, and greeting card, seriously envying every couple, eating a whole bucket of ice cream, and worst of them all, calling that person you swore you would never call unless hell froze over and the angels used it as a skating ring.

But come the morning of February fifteenth, one begins to bombard herself with the what-have-I-done question. She knows what she has done; she just wishes it was a nightmare. But alas, it is not. It is then she realizes that on the fourteenth of February, she sunk to rock bottom. And then, she sunk some more. That is what happens when one does not have love on Valentine’s Day. Yes, she begins to send text messages to people that go against her natural gradient – a perfect recipe for a future disaster, I tell you.

I could tell you that I do not care if I celebrate the day alone, but I would be lying to you. I could tell you that I would love to spend the day with family and friends, but that would be a big, fat lie too. Should I tell you then that I would rather spend it with someone but not just anyone? I guess I could tell you that, but you should know that already by now, dear Saint Valentine.

Valentine’s Day is a day meant for lovers. We may kid ourselves all we want and say otherwise.
We may say, ‘Why do I have to pick a special day to show my love? I show my love everyday.’ That may be so, but we are humans. We need special days in our lives. That is why Sunday is the Sabbath day. Does that mean we do not praise God every other day? That is why we have our birthdays. Does that mean we do not grow old every other day? And what about Christmas? Does that mean Christ’s birth is not celebrated every other day? So you see, special days are important because sometimes we forget and get carried away. The special day reinforces what we already know. Who does not need a little reinforcement in the form of a hand-written love note? Yummy.

That being said, I would prefer spending Valentine’s Day loving and being loved. The alternative is organizing and attending a solo event which will be called the Singles Awareness Conference – just in case you have forgotten you are single, let this day serve as a reminder. My friend, Funmi gladly suggested that we should stay home and order some pizza, after which we would head to Cold Stone Creamery to have some creamy ice cream. I sternly declined her offer. I refuse to spend this Valentine’s Day with her – especially at Cold Stone where love-struck couples will stand in line for some heart-shaped cakes while they nibble on each other’s lips, suck on each other’s tongues, and whisper sweet nothings into each other’s ears – to my detriment. No way. I would rather watch a tree grow.

So you see, Saint Valentine, I need your help. It is not as if I have ever asked you for anything before – except for that time I asked you for a nice, honest man. Come to think of it, that was the year you sent me that counterfeit, the one that downed kegs of Guinness Stout every day and prided himself in his alcohol tolerance, only to end up driving recklessly and acquiring two speeding tickets in one night. Ah, common sense is not so common after all. What a waste of my time that was. Did I mention that already? But everyone deserves a second chance, so I will give you a second chance to prove yourself, Saint Valentine.

Dear Saint Valentine, what I am asking is that you should make my Valentine worthwhile. Make it unforgettable. Make it pleasant. Make it fun. Make it Verastic.

P.S. In spite of what I might have said about Wal-Mart, I actually love those dancing, singing stuffed animals. Too cute.

P.P.S. The singing cards are especially adorable. Especially the big Hallmark one that sings, “Wild thing! You make my heart sing…!”

P.P.P.S. I may have thought about it, but I have never, ever stoned a couple that I have seen locked in a passionate kiss. I have only wished to be locked in one too.

P.P.P.P.S. If you decide to be kind to me and send me someone to give me a Verastic Valentine, please make sure he gets the memo: I do not care to receive a box of chocolates.

P.P.P.P.P.S. But if he really, really likes chocolate, then who am I to say no? I shall oblige him – even if for a day.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Do people still send hand-written love notes? If they do, have him send one to me. I would love to reply. I happen to have a nice, readable hand-writing – if I do say so myself.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. The thought of swapping spit with someone, having my lips nibbled on, my ribs tickled, my neck sucked on, and my body being engulfed in one’s warm embrace is not repulsive at all – neither does it make me break out in a rash. If anything, I welcome it.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I really do love Valentine, dear Saint Valentine.

vera@verastic.com

P. O. BOX 7893

Essex, MD 21221

United States of America

443-934-9039

www.verastic.com

Subscribe or I will not sleep at night. Ever.

Comments

  1. K says

    Ah my darling I truly hope St V can help you…I just fired him. I hope he reads my blog before Saturday…don’t want him working over time for nothing..lol

  2. Temite says

    oh pele. You will be all right. St Valentine is a lazy good for nothing idiotic saint. of all the saint, I bet even the G himself will fire him. The Man is such a slacker. I mean fine girl, no pimples like you no fit find man on valentine. Chei It will better o.

  3. Afrobabe says

    hahahahhahah…it is well my sis…Me sef no get voice for this vals again, cant wait for the silly day to pass and all the yeye shop people to pack their unsold red and black stuff but to valentine hell..mchewwww

  4. Femi B says

    na wa oh, I wonder how may letters Saint valentine would be reading and answering this year especially during these recession times

  5. Funms-the rebirth says

    i do hope he responds to u……. im staying off the day and i’d be home all day listening to depressing songs and reminiscing about last yr vals day which happened to be great….

  6. LoloBloggs says

    Love this post, my sentiments exactly!

    The only thing is I’m not holding my breath for ole St Valentine….me thinks he’s been on sabbatical for a while!

  7. OluwaDee says

    i'm sure st valentine, will enjoy reading this.

    I'll be delivering cakes, visiting halls & checking out vendors on saturday. my hubby is working, till sun.

  8. Writefreak says

    Dear St valentine, i really hope you read this…and that you send some love miss Vera’s way…
    Happy valentine’s day dearie!

  9. Vera Ezimora says

    Funmie: You’re shameless. You just couldn’t let someone else come first??

    Shona Vixen: I hope so too, darling! I surely do hope so. And technically, you’re first. Don’t mind Funmie.

    The Experiences Of An Achiever: Will do!! I will tell plead with him on your behalf.

    K: Baby, why now??? LOL. You fired a whole Saint?? Babe, you get liver oo! LOL.

    Temite: Hahahaha. All those insults for St Val?? I’m starting to feel bad 4 him sef. It’s all good sha; e go better.

    Rita: Amen ooo!! I surely do hope so.

    FluffyCuteThing: LOL. I’m assuming blogger messed up and posted your comment thrice…abi did you really feel that much awww for me? lol

    Buttercup: You’re welcome, darling. What are friends for? I can’t help but make you aware of your inner emotions. Hehehehe. Whatever tha heck that means.

    Luscious Ron: Thank you, baby. Yes, you’re officially in top ten. I agree with you. :)

    Afrobabe: Hahahaha. Valentine hell ke? Ha! Baby, no oh! No Valentine hell. I know what the problem is. You don’t have me there to keep you company. Just say the word and I will be there live and direct. Just say the word, ma!

    Femi B: Plenty oo! Me sef, I no dey ask for anything from Jared (although I won’t mind, of course). I dey ask for simple company (of someone with some sense). U know now!

    Funms: LOL. The only thing that’s worse than not doing anything on Val’s Day is staying home, listening to sad songs and living in past glory. Hahaha. Babe, I better pass you oh. And that makes me feel so much better. Hahahaha.

    LoloBloggs: You’re right. I think he’s been on sabatical, but that’s why I’m telling him to act now b4 I vex kpata kpata. So, what are you gonna be doing by the way? Educate me abeg.

    OluwaDee: Well, that sounds like fun. At least you and hubby will celebrate it on Sunday. We wey no get hubby for Sunday….lol.

    Write Freak: Thank you, love. I hope dear Saint Valentine reads this and responds pronto!

  10. kuesooM says

    Great post. I esp loved the “Singles Awareness Conf” bit…..cracked me up..dont worry next yr will b a Sunday and we will add a special thxgiving to the day!

  11. Spicytee says

    Dont worry babes.. St Val is working on ur case right away..
    This is lovely and make me realise how lonely val day is going 2 be without someone and imagine its my bday too..Vera u re goin 2 make me cry.

  12. zara (my alter ego) says

    st valentine better hear this…that line bout the box of chocolates was really funny…i dont care for them either..not as a gift i dont.

  13. Nefertiti says

    Awww Vera. St Valentine is an evil lirrule morrasucker. And what is it with chocolates on Vals day. I hate it. Anyone who gives me chocolate don jonz finish. That’s a sure sign u won’t be getting any.

    Dear Valentine,
    You berra read this and send some love Vera’s way. If you don’t I’ll fly over to you cloud and kick ur ass.

    Signed,
    Nefertiti

  14. Original Mgbeke says

    Nna mennn. This St. Valentine na serious yeye person o. Saturday ke? at least if it was on a Monday or Tuesday, man pikin fit hide out for work, put in overtime self. LOL, God dey sha!

  15. AustynZOGS says

    Happy Valentine’s day to Vera and all who won’t stop enjoying the verastic stuffs.Just keep the faith that by Feb 14th some years to come we shall be celebrating St VeraEZIMS Day!

  16. StandTall-The Activist says

    Now I am back. I asked you not to fake illness cuz I know that cupid will call and overwhelm you with a lot of love and affection.

    Did it happen my way? Hope u had a swell 14th. This day shall be knowing as Vera-Val’s day

  17. Kafo says

    hmmm happy V day in aries
    i disagree tho with the whole logic of we have Sabbath to praise God and so we need V Day for lovers

    i don’t think so, Sabbath was
    instituted as a day of rememberance of Creation for community between God and Man, as a day of rest. but each day adam and God were still in constant communication in the garden of Eden and had fellowship.

    the problem with V Day is that we have so commercialized it and set arbitrary rules that it has become a burden to men to try and please women and women expect to be pampered.

    i don’t know
    i’ve been boycotting it since i came to america 10 years ago and having a wonderful man in my life still hasn’t change my belief that it is more hinderance than good

    okay
    i’ll stop ranting now

    oh i loved all the PSSSSS stuff
    funny

  18. doug says

    LOL! Well as it just so happens, I WAS working on Vals day. How cool is that???!!! Hehehe! So how did you manage now? Or is that a topic for another post?

  19. Uzezi says

    shit. shit shit shit shit.

    im really really really sorry.

    St V did send me to you but i delivered him to the wrong address
    p.o.box 8793
    essex, md 21221
    USA.

    can u get him from her?

  20. Geebee says

    Now, I wish Saint Valentine could really do all these stuff just like Santa Claus does at Christmas, then he’s have been better known as Santa Valentine. Usually, we never get all we desire even when we desire them so much but nonetheless, it is very much okay to hope. I can see Saint Valentine proved himself to you on his second chance by making the day a great one with the ‘he’ who appeared from the blues. I read your other blog.

  21. Olufunke says

    Just read this after I read your Valentine’s day’s post.
    God really answered your prayers.
    I dotn knowwhat to say
    The day your wrote this, did you have an idea that something was going to happen for you on valentine’s day?……………So glad for you. I am encouraged

  22. Vera Ezimora says

    Standtall: I wouldn't dare!! As you know, I jejely prepared for the day.

    KuesooM: LOL @ the thanxgiving. I sure don't mind. In fact, I claim it in Jesus name. Why shall I shy? lol.

    SpiceyTee: No oh!! Abeg no cry. That is not my intention. I want you to read, laugh, and reflect. Crying is not allowed. Fine dey o

    Zara: St. Valentine is a kind & smart man (or whatever he is). He heard and he delivered in a grand style. lol @ the chocolates. Oddly, I loved the ones I received.

    Nefertiti: LOl @ the person not getting some 4 giving you chocolates. Well, it's not that xtreme 4 me. I'm just not crazy about chocolates. However, I would eat them to please someone. As you already know by now, St. Valentine did not disappoint.

    Original Mgbeke: Nne, I no come know ooo! But anyways, I no longer regret Valentine being on a Saturday. lol. U know now…!

    AustynZogs: Ah, amen ooo!!!! So be it. God don hear. So shall it be.

    Standtall: My dear, you are good ooo! How you take know? This Valentine was just too good to be true. Yet, it was true.

    Kafo: I didn't say we have sabbath to praise God oo! lol. My point basically is that we have special days because we can get carried away. We have special days to do things especially well – so to say. Val's day is commercialized for people that wanna commercialize it. U could just spend the day with ur boo doing nothing but reminising on old times, and that'd be great too. Abi maybe it's just me sha…

    Doug:I can tell from your tone that you're wishing I had a horrible day abi? LOL. E no go work 4 u oh! I had a fab time. But I know you know that already.

    Uzezi: The only reason why I'll forgive you is because the Valentine you were gonna send is probably not half as good as the one I actually had. So you're forgiven. I won't even bother going to get the man back from her. lol.

    GeeBee: Yes, indeed. St. Valentine managed to not only impress me, but also shockprise me. I have never been this positively surprised in my life. We thank God.

    Olufunke: Indeed, God really answered my prayers. And no, I had no clue @ all that this was gonna happen. I was pretty sure that I was gonna stay home the entire day and watch Naija flicks. That was my only plan. I didn't wanna hang out with Funmi and/or Busola, so I was home bound with nothing 2 do – or so I thought. But this God sha…!

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