Who are these people? “my enemies,” Busola, and Funmi.
Gala Mania: I have been practically harrassing Tayo Odukoya for the longest time because I found out that his office is close to gala. I love gala!! Every time someone is going to Naija, I make sure I ask for gala, but somehow, they come back without it. In December of last year, Uju went to Naija for Xmas, and I made sure to warn her to bring back lots and lots and lots of gala. Can you believe the gal came back with only two?? I vexed oo! I raked for her properly. In short, if not that I was being held ehn, I for panel beat her face well well. So I finally took my gala home, and you shoulda seen the speed at which I opened one of it. I took one bite and…
It is with a heavy heart and deepest sorrow that I regret to announce I have fallen out of love with gala. What the hell happened?? All it took was one bite and I wanted to spit it out. This falling out of love with gala is not natural oo, ah ah! Our relationship did not die a natural death. Someone must have played a hand in it. My enemies must be after me again. They want to see my downfall, and they have attacked me through my love for gala. How else do you explain the sudden demise of my hyperactive taste buds for gala? I have been craving this thing for years!! I finally got it and I could hardly swallow the first bite. Chei! Helplessly and hopelessly, I watched as my one and three-quarter packs of gala entered my mother’s mouth and got churned and swallowed. I never even bothered telling Uju what happened. How could I?
Message to my enemies: You may have won the battle, but the war is mine!! I will never, ever, ever stop loving buttermilk shortbread!! And I will never stop loving Eclairs candy either!!! If you don’t believe me, send me a box of each.
Busola: Make una see me see wahala oo! This so-called friend of mine (Busola) is determined to ruin my very good reputation. Can somebori tell me why my Facebook profile says I’m married to Busola? Which day did this one happen? I remember being her maid of honor (which was an honor to her, of course), but which one be marriage again? What if a potential suitor sees my profile and moves on to someone else ehn? Tufia kwa! Busola, get thee behind me! I rebuke you!
Busola edited the details on how we know each other, and then she signed into my Facebook and accepted them. So now, according to my Facebook profile, we are married. The whole thing is just funny. The other day, one of my readers sent me an email congratulating me on my wedding. He said he loved my wedding pictures. That’s great, of course. The problem is that I neither had a wedding nor do I have any wedding pictures. The reader saw pictures of Busola and her husband, and he thought I was Busola and Busola’s husband was Busola. LOL.
Only our mutual friends and acquaintances will know that the whole marriage thing is just a joke. People that know me and do not know Busola will think I am really married to a man called Busola, and they will see that picture and think the man in the picture is Busola. Of course, it goes vice versa for Busola’s profile. People that know her and do not know me will think I am the man in the picture. Which kin nonsense be this? LOL.
People will really think I’m married to one betta person not knowing it’s just one small-breasted girl in PG county of Maryland. I have told the girl to stop wearing bra, so that we can see if there is hope for her tatas to grow, but mba, she insists on stunting their growth. They have been the same size for over a decade now. Nawa o. One day now, her husband will vex and just start playing with his own breast. They’re almost the same size anyway.
LOL. I can foresee Busola calling/texting me to tell me I’m a big fool for writing about her again. But I cannot help it now. She keeps blushing every time she sees me. Her week is just not the same without me. LOL. Could this be love? Oh yeah, it’s definitely love.
Funmie: The other person that wants my downfall is Funmi. Funmi also has the password to my Facebook account. She does not have a Facebook account and has refused to get one. Why? She claims that getting a Facebook account will make her be on Facebook all the time. The reason why this is such a silly excuse is that she is already on Facebook all the time! The only difference is that she does it with my name. Imagine the konkobility! (I don’t know what konkobility means; I learnt it from a Naija movie). It is because of Funmi that I receive text messages at three in the morning from friends asking me why I am still on Facebook. Meanwhile, my laptop is off and I am deep in sleep oo! LOL. People send me emails on Facebook expecting me to respond immediately because my Facebook profile says I’m online. Meanwhile, the real culprit has her eyes glued on her laptop screen spying on people who don’t know they are being spied on. Honestly, I dunno where I get my friends from.
Speaking of spying on people, Funmi has this chic she does not like. I’ll call the chic ‘Miss A’. So what did Funmi do? She added Miss A to my list of friends, so that she can properly spy on her. So now, Funmi signs in as Vera to spy on Miss A. I have told her several times that she has a lot of time on her hands. My question is…could this be madness? Yes oooo. Na so craze people dey start. One day now, I’ll see Funmi walking naked on the street.
Update: Funmie just joined Facebook, albeit she claims she only did it to join her Naija High School group. Sure, Funmi!
I just wrote a new article. Check it out. This Marriage Thing Sef. Don’t forget to leave comments oooo! I will quiz you later.
**I know this is totally unrelated, but permit me to whine about the Baltimore weather. Just two days ago, it was warm and sunny. It was 78 degrees, and I was almost getting baked, but I didn’t complain ooo. Yesterday, it was cold. Today, it’s even colder. To make it worse, it has been raining since morning. You know that kind of rain that won’t rain heavily, yet refuses to stop falling? Yeap, that’s the one. I’m ready for the flip flops, the sunglasses, and the skirts. I’m ready to – - – in fact, I dunno what I’m ready for, but I know I’m ready.