So, there I was minding my business. You know I’m always minding my business. A Facebook friend sent me a message via Facebook (totology?) and she directed me to an article that related to my six inch penis post. By the way, she warned me not to mention her name, so henceforth, we shall refer to her as my Facebook Penis Friend. I’m sure she’d like that a lot better.
So I read the article on a Ghanaian website, and I was stunned! According to the new penis atlas of the world – yes, there’s such a thing, and no, it was not done by Ghana – Ghanaians have the third largest penis in the world. What!!! Their penis size averages around 6.7 inches. Republic of Congo has the largest penis in the world. Their average length is just over 7 inches. What!!!!!! [Although the Ghanaian website states that Ghana has the second largest, they are actually wrong. Ecuador has the second largest at 6.9 inches, and Ghana and Colombia both take third place at 6.7 inches. Yes, I went through the entire list. Don’t judge me!]. Now, I know what you want to know: what about Nigerians? Well, Nigeria and its penis sizes are not on the list. On that note, I have come up with my own Verastic conclusions. You may disagree, but my mind is made up.
- Since Nigeria isn’t even on the list, there technically isn’t any proof that Ghana and the Republic of Congo have bigger penises than us.
- There’s only one reason why Nigeria isn’t on the list: our men are too hung to be on the list. Gbam!!!
- I have a Ghanaian friend and a Congolese friend, and until I see their penises AND measure them to be at least 6.7 inches and 7 inches respectively, I refuse to believe this atlas!
That said, I do have a few questions:
- Why is there a Penis Atlas?
- Who funded or funds this project?
- Who benefits from these results?
- Who are the men that were measured?
- Who measured these men?
- Seriously, why weren’t my Nigerian men measured?
So, I composed the entire post above and then, I decided to revisit the map ….just in case I missed something. It appears that Nigeria is in fact on the list, and we average a whopping 6 inches. What!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I demand a remeasure!!! This cannot be happening. Noooooooooo!!! I forbid it. I reject it. I refute it. I deny it. I revoke it. :'( We are too good, too bad, and too hung, darn it. Noooooooooooooo!!!! Ghana cannot beat us again. Why must Ghana beat us, even in penis size? What does Ghana have that Nigeria doesn’t have – apart from better footballers, constant light, better government, higher currency … and now, possibly larger penises? *INSERT DISTRESSED IGBO GIRL*
That’s it. I quit. A girl can only take so many heart breaks. It’s not like I care so much about the size. It’s just that I would like to boast of my men having it. At least, when foreigners say to my face, “Nigerians are scammers and liars…” I can say [with pride and a very wide grin, of course] “Yeah, well, we have the world’s largest penises.” But of course, that dream, too, has been taken away from me. It has been snatched! Aborted! Where is the love, people? Where is the love? To all Nigerian men, I suggest that you start eating whatever the Congolese people are eating. We must beat Ghana. If it takes you eating fertilizer, fresh out of the bag, then do it, darn it.
The funny thing is, I guess my friends and I hit the nail on the head when we talked about the six inch penis. From the looks of it, we wouldn’t have had the choice to go any higher anyway *INSERT VERY VIOLENT ROLLING OF EYES AT 300 MILES PER HOUR*
P.S. These are a few of our sister countries that beat us: Zimbabwe (6.1 inches), Zambia (6.2 inches), Sudan (6.4 inches), Jamaica (6.4 inches), Haiti (6.3 inches), Gambia (6.2 inches), Cameroon (6.5 inches), Burkina Faso (6.2 inches), Benin (6.3 inches), and Angola (6.1 inches)
P.P.S. In case you’re wondering, United States measures at 5.1, United Kingdom measures at 5.5, and Canada at 5.5 inches.
P.P.P.S. The map went online just this week, and since its debut, it has had 2, 435, 275 views. Clearly, this is a very important issue!
P.P.P.P.S. This Saturday, Rosie AKA Lucid Lilith will be co-hosting with me on Verastically Speakin,’ and we will be discussing Lost In Yankee. It’s a show that will discuss how people come to America with the best intentions, and then, somehow, they get lost: get into trouble, jail, homelessness, pregnancies, school dropouts, etc. I don’t know if stunted penis growth can be counted as one of the troubles that people get into in America (seeing as America is having quite a problem in that department. 5.1 inches???), but we shall figure that out on Saturday at 10am U.S. Eastern Time | 3p Nigerian Time | Call in: 1.646.929.1905 | Text: 1.443.934.9039 | E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org | Twitter: @verastic | Listen HERE