It does not matter what you decide to call yourself: girl, lady, woman, female, spinster, damsel… we all still want the same thing. We want that man that will sweep us off our feet and carry us to the land of forgotten troubles, which is why it’s a tremendous pain in the rear end when you meet a man who is a man, but isn’t quite the man. How many times have you had to start over because you had to accept the fact that “it’s just not gonna happen”? I know I’ve had to do so plenty times. As always, I will put my attention on Nigerian men because they are the ones I know. I have come to realize that [relationship-wise] there are three kinds of men: the stick, the worm, and the wormy stick. For most, if not all Nigerian women, we want the latter, the wormy stick, but of course, we are stuck with either the stick or the worm.
You go to Cynthia’s house and you meet Peter; you have a lengthy and interesting conversation with him, and at the end, he asks for your number. You give it to him, but he never calls. You run into him at the grocery store and exchange pleasantries, after which you ask ‘how come you never called me?” He says “I’m sorry, you look familiar, but I cannot quite remember where we met” even though he’s been blowing Cynthia’s phone up trying to ask about you. He’s the stick. He’s the man that will go above and beyond to prove that he’s tough and no feline can ever cut through him. He wants to make you work extra hard for everything, including things you don’t even give a flying boot about. He’s the man that will purposely forget your birthday and claim he “forgot” even though you spoke to him the day before. He’s the man that will tell you how troublesome women are, and how he can do perfectly fine without them. Like hell, he can! Let’s ask his mother. He’s unable to show emotions, unable to accept responsibility for his actions, unable to apologize, unable to say “I miss you” without breaking a sweat, unable to say “you look gorgeous” without loosing some hair, unable to say “I love you” without cracking a tooth or more, unable to make love, and unable to cuddle after ‘sex’ because he is not a “p*ssy”. He’s the stick; he’s inflexible.
You go to Funmi’s house and you meet Lanre; you have a lengthy conversation with him, and at the end, he asks for your number and you give it to him. You have to leave Funmi’s house for another engagement, and as soon as you step your foot outside the door, your cell phone rings. You pick it up and it’s Lanre; he says “I miss you already, baby.” He’s the worm. Now, what are you supposed to say in response to that? “I miss you too, pumpkin”? The worm is needy and sometimes insecure. He wants to so desperately please you that he ends up repulsing you. He will call eleven times in ten minutes, and if you dare not pick up your phone, he will show up at your door because he was worried about you. On your first date, he will tell you he loves you and talk about marriage and even kids you will have for him. He will tell you how important you are to him and how he never wants to lose you. After about a week of knowing him, he will start attaching his last name to your name. In all honesty, for a man to consider you to be the one to bear his last name and have his children is an honor, but when you consider who the man is, it leaves you in a less than comfortable position. The worm is the man that will never give you a chance to miss him; “do you miss me?” he will constantly ask, and deep in your guts you want to say “you mean in the five seconds that I walked from your couch to your door? Urh…not really.” The worm wants to be at your side 24/7 and never gets tired or bored. I’ll share a personal experience of this particular day that I was in my friend’s house with blood-shot eyes and was aching to put my head on a pillow. There I was barely falling into the beta phase of sleep, and this guy (whose name I will not mention in order not to get beaten) was right next to me yelling on a cell phone. I decided to leave the leaving room couch and move to the bedroom, but he followed me (still on the cell phone). I moved back to the living room, but he followed me again; one last move to the bedroom, and guess what? He’s right behind me. What’s a girl to do in such a situation (apart from screaming at the top of her lungs)? And they ask me why it did not work out.
Now, you go to Vera’s house and you meet Toby. You have a lengthy conversation, and at the end, you exchange numbers. He asks you the best time to call you and you tell him anytime from 7pm. He calls you at 9pm and you talk for about an hour about nothing intimate, but just a little history on you both (like place of birth and middle name). He calls the next day and you talk for about two hours this time, and at the end, he asks you about your marital status. You tell him you’re single, and he says he’s single too. He calls you the next two days and asks you out on a date. He decides to take you to a pool parlor since you said you did not know how to play pool and would like to learn. The pool parlor would provide an opportunity for you two to talk, yet have fun. It will give him the right to intrude on your personal space without being an intruder. He compliments your outfit by saying “you’re really wearing those jeans”; it’s a light but appreciated compliment. He’s the wormy stick. You go on dates for about a month after which he makes his intentions known to you. He tells you he wants to have a relationship with you; you agree and you both put all (or at least, most) of your cards on the table and pray to God that everything goes well, and the ending is happy. He compliments you reasonably, not when you look tore up from the flo’ up and he knows it, but he lies through his teeth and says “baby, you look absolutely beautiful” (the worm); or when you look like a million dollars, he says “well, you hair is a little messed up, but you look alright…I guess…” (the stick). The wormy stick is the guy who knows the beauty and magnificence of boundaries. It does not mean he is perfect, it just means that his imperfect days are way lesser than his perfect days. He gives you time to feel something that he feels instead of trying to force it on you, or pretend it isn’t there. He always wants you two to be on the same page; he’s always by your side, not in front of you or behind you.
Women also fall into the same three categories, which is why everyone should hook up with his/her own type. A stick should be with a stick, a worm with a worm, and a wormy stick with a wormy stick, so that way both parties receive as much as they give, and everyone one is happy. Some men see the obvious differences, but they choose to disavow the warning bells. For example, when you ask a woman “you missed me, didn’t you?” and she replies with “ok”, that’s not a good sign. It means she did not miss you, but she does not want to make you feel bad. If you tell a woman “I love you” and she replies with “thanks”, it means she does not quite feel the same way and/or is not comfortable with you telling her you love her. And if she says something along the lines of “really? Aww, that’s so sweet”, what she’s really saying is “you what? You must have lost your damn mind.” Or as a typical Nigerian woman would think “you’re in love with who? See this fool that thinks he can get into my pants with this 3rd century lie. What year does he think this is?” I remember when a friend of mine (whose name I will not mention, but she knows herself) went on a date which started out nice, but at the end, she was not feeling him at all (you know how that goes). He asked her if he could give her a kiss, and she said “no, thank you.” What do you interpret this answer to mean? Well, it means “no, I’ve had enough of you already, but thanks for offering me more nuisance.” Without being told, you know he is definitely a worm. Nigerian men tend to misread every single vibe that a woman is sending. You should know when she’s into your conversation, and when she isn’t. If she’s constantly looking around and checking her time or giving her cell phone that “please ring” look, then you know you’re boring her. And no, telling you that you’re obnoxious does not interpret into “you’re a really cool guy; I want to get to know you better.” And “I have a boyfriend who I’m committed to” does not interpret into “I have someone I’m talking to whom I’m willing to leave as soon as you chase me harder.” Get this: unreturned phone calls mean “I don’t want to talk to you; you’re bothering me, so please refrain from dialing my number.” If you have fallen in love with her before you even met her, please don’t tell her that on your first, second, third or even tenth date; it reduces the weight of “I love you” from 1000kg to 1 once, and that is a massive loss. Give her time to like you; make her want you; make her appreciate every single second she spends with you.
I cannot help but talk about this foolishness of Nigerian men: do not ask her very personal questions in the beginning, if at all. Do not ask questions like “are you a virgin?”, “how much do you weigh?”, “what’s your favorite sex position?” Those are the wrong questions, and God help me, I do not believe there is really ever a wonderful time to ask such questions, that is, until you know her better; as in, until you actually begin a relationship. If you’re the kind that likes to spend on your woman, then read this properly: START SMALL. Some men are so eager to impress a woman that they go in dept, and I mean serious debt. Start by buying her flowers, or maybe her favorite ice cream or candy…just be creative. Ibo people say it’s little by little that you lick hot soup, so please start small. Do not under any circumstance promise her more than you can give her; you want a woman to love you for who you are, not what you are or what you can do for her. Do not tell her that you’ll take her to a big fancy restaurant where you’ll have a candle lit dinner and end up taking her to TGIF. Now, that’s something that does not look good on your credit record of relationships. And get this, girls talk. When you do nice things for them, they tell their friends, and when you go wrong, you better believe your behind is being roasted, so when you get that funny look from her friends, you know what it means. When you do go on a date, do not spend the whole time talking about yourself, your accomplishments, and yourself. If I’m right, she probably stopped listening after your third sentence that started with “I…”. Ask her about herself, but do not be too personal, and do not press her for answers when she already said “I don’t want to talk about it.” Be a thoughtful man and open the door for her, pull her sit out for her, and if you’re dining out, please don’t place her order for her; that’s the first sign that you must be a control freak. When you go out with a woman, she has a mental list in her head and she is watching your every move, and of course you know we are better listeners. And do not do that thing where your head practically wants to break off because your eyes are following another woman; that counts for three strikes, and if you get three strikes on one date, that means you get dropped. Breaking your neck because you are looking at another woman takes you from the list of A-Active to C-Inactive, and it will take the Grace of God to get you back on even A-Inactive; being back on A-Active will only be a figment of your imagination. Finally, please, please, please and please, be sensitive to the vibes she’s sending. If she wants to be kissed, you will know. Do not spring a kiss on her lips when she is not looking or least expecting it; it’s neither cute nor sexy. It’s disgusting and repulsive. If I may, I’d call it a lip-rape, and as soon as the congress passes it as a law, I’ll be sure to put all you lip rapists behind the bar.
I could go on and on and on about all the wrong things Nigerian men do, but frankly, I neither have the stamina nor the desire to do so, but with the little I have written, I wish everyone a happy dating life, and I pray to God that you meet that special someone one day (preferably before menopause and before you start receiving senior discounts at the local grocery store), Amen.